Friday, May 21, 2021

Bitter Medicine

Today is Robyn and I's 10 year wedding anniversary.

Today I took Emmy to get her second covid vaccine.

A little less than a month ago, I got my own second vaccination. An event that I cried with sheer relief about and went out of my way to do something I hadn't done in over a year: knit a shawl for an actual occasion.

It felt like a momentous occasion that needed something pretty to celebrate.


In fact, we took these pictures the same day as my vaccination appointment.

I was relieved, grateful, and hopeful. I thought things were finally, FINALLY changing for the better. I thought my dearest friends and I were somehow going to make it through this.

We were going to be together soon. We'd be able to laugh and hug and be grateful that we could do that.


A little less than a month ago, my world was ripped apart. My heart shredded to pieces.

I lost my best friend, my Bethany.

She died from covid.

She was a month older than me. A month.

I'm not ready to talk about it. I can't.

And today has been a bitter reminder of everything I have that she never will.

She was beautiful. And so fucking clever and witty. And always on board with whatever mad schemes I could come up. Or eagerly recruiting me for hers.

I'll never forget the entire day we spent together speaking only in British accents. And I could always rely on her to join me in International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

She was one of the first people I told about actually starting Black Goat Fibers. And she was so amazingly supportive and always asking how it was going, cheering me on and encouraging me when things were overwhelming.

I knit my shawl for my appointment out of yarn I dyed myself. Yarn that wouldn't exist without Bethany's love and support.

It's not fair.

A childish statement, I know.

But it's not and my heart can't accept it.

It's not fair that I am here alive, breathing, making beautiful things, loving and loved so dearly, and my best friend is gone.

I survived this fucking pandemic and she didn't.

I was able and allowed to get my vaccine. She couldn't.

Bitter fucking medicine indeed.