In Sheep's Clothing

Do you ever have those moments where you look at your work, those thousands of hours dedicated to your craft, and find yourself absolutely disgusted?

Why are you bothering?

Why do you try so hard?

You aren't shit.

I'm dealing with this hard right now.

I'm looking at my lace work and questioning why I knit.

I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves with other people. We should be proud of what we as individuals can accomplish. But I follow so many accounts on social media just absolutely filled with folks seemingly churning out colorwork sweaters, socks, and other garments at a frightening pace.

It seems every week these folks have new projects falling off the needles.

And I'm sitting back here, hoping to finish one project in less than 2 months.

How do you push yourself through this?

I'm trying hard to be realistic. Most of these people are half my size, which means half the work to do. So even if I could knit as fast as they do, I still couldn't do the work in the same amount of time.

I also can't financially afford to knit sweaters often. It's the same principle as the time cost. Bigger person = more yarn needed. A shawl is much less of a material cost (most of them at least).

Glancing through the worsted weight sweaters in my ravelry favorites, none of them use less than 1500 yards for someone with my bust size.

So let's do some fun math and assume 1 skein of indie dyed worsted yarn retails for $25 and has at least 200 yards. I need 8 skeins, which means that knitting that sweater is going to cost me $200 in materials straight off the bat.

How about something more affordable like Knit Picks' WotA? It retails for $3 a ball, but only has 110 yards per ball. I need 14 balls. That's $42. A wee bit better, true, but now my color selection is limited, plus I don't get to support the people I really want to.

So it's better for me to just support indie dyers and showcase the smaller quantity of yarn used in projects like my shawls, right?

But am I growing stagnant by focusing on just lacework and shawls specifically? Shouldn't I challenge myself and always push myself to do bigger and better things?

I like the look of color work, but I HATE doing it. Absolutely loathe it. It slows me down considerably, I get frustrated when my yarn gets tangled, and I'm always so anxious that my floats are too tight.

Lacework, though... lacework I can do in my sleep.

It's fierce joy and revelation watching the pattern emerge from just a series of seemingly random holes and decreases.

And I think I'm decently good at lacework.

But I'm playing it safe, aren't I? I've pushed myself into a box that I'm unwilling to come out of.

I feel like an imposter. Like a little kid who finds themselves at the table with much more capable adults. Getting little pats on the head and a, "Good job, sweetie! You'll make real projects when you grow up!"

And I don't know what to do about these feelings.

I know this is all on me (and my ridiculous brain) because my friends are nothing but supportive and lovely.

But I just can't shake it.

I don't have any solutions, no hopeful observations.

I guess I just sit quietly with it and keep knitting.

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Threadbare

I'm tired, y'all.

Exhausted.

Worn out and worn thin.

And I owe all of you an apology.

When I started writing this blog, my only intention was to share my knitting.

Over the years, though, it became not only that, but an extension of my soul. Of all my thoughts and feelings, as well as my crafting accomplishments. A way for me to connect and share with all of you.

But these last 6 months or so (maybe longer) I haven't been honest with you. I've just been plastering on a smile and repeating the mantra that I've forced myself into for so long.

"It's fine... everything is fine."

It was easier.

It was so much easier to just listen to that little voice in the back of my head...

"Just share the good things here! No one actually cares about how bad things have deteriorated inside your head. They're only here to see your ridiculous projects and if you don't have anything good to share, what use are you?"

My goal became to just shove everything down in and survive. I didn't have the energy to focus on myself because I was also trying to help my spouse through their own deteriorating mental health.

Yeah, that's been great, let me tell you, having to somehow learn how to help each other get through the times that our bad days overlap.

We're probably both better off dealing with this than some other people might be because we've been navigating my mental illnesses for 14 years together, but it hasn't been easy. My instinct is to only focus on them, damn everything else.

I almost lost other relationships because of this. I missed the signs of someone close's depression worsening. And while I am already working on fixing these problems, I'm still angry with myself for letting it happen in the first place.

And with me shoving everything down as far as I could and focusing on anything but myself, I ended up having two very bad (for me) suicidal episodes at different points this year. Not to mention a return of the days of all day anxiety. Being terrified to go to bed. Depression days so bad I could hardly breathe.

I thought I'd finally improved enough to not have to deal with these anymore. Or at least not as much as I have in the past. Finding out that's not the case has been soul-crushing.

I just feel so utterly lost right now. I've barely been knitting. Everything I've cast on has been thrown to the side soon after with disgust because NOTHING feels good in my hands. Or I would make a mistake that previously probably wouldn't have bothered me, but now I just can't live with it.

I even tried crocheting again, hoping to bring back the spark of passion with wool. I couldn't even get past the first 4 rows without frogging it.

I had planned on having some new craft goal for 2020, but I don't think I can. I don't even know what my creative abilities are going to look like at the end of the next 12 months.

At this point, I'm just taking things day to day to see what I feel like doing. A lot of that time has been drowning myself in books. I'm on my 14th book since January 1st already. I can lose myself in my stories and try to live through another day.

And while it's been nice to do so, I miss *making*.  I miss the feelings of accomplishing things. I need a goal again. Something to work towards. But I don't know what. I hope Henry comes back to me soon and grants me his favor again.

Until then, I guess I just keep cautiously moving forward in the fog.

As for the blog, I still have a few things in reserve to talk about, including the shawl I finished at the end of last year. So I'll do my best to get those out soon.

But after? I only ask for your patience as I try to find myself again. But this time, I promise I'll be honest about how I'm feeling. I owe it to you.. and to myself.

So, onwards we go, friends.

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A Quiet Pause

This is it.

The last breath before the chaos.

I'm sitting here in the library, curled up on the loveseat, with Bee at my side.

Cozy in my Gryffindor sweater, I'm drinking tea sweetened with honey I helped harvest.

It's snowing.

It's so quiet.

Watching the snow swirl through the light from the street lamps is mesmerizing and so utterly calming.

I feel the tension that has been strung through me for weeks start to loosen and fade.

I can breathe again.

All will be well.

The Final Countdown

Welp, we're down to just a mere 8 days before the vow renewal.

And I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.

I feel like I have nothing under control, despite making checklist after checklist

I haven't even finished writing the damn thing.

Yep, that's right!

I haven't even finished like THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS WHOLE THING!

*sigh*

So instead of working things like I should be doing...

I started a new shawl.

Panic knitting is clearly the answer here, right?

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Pause

John and I have this new thing we've been doing a couple nights a week.

While he is driving home from work, I am heating up water... picking out cups... laying everything out just so.

Brewing tea for him, making coffee for me, and putting it in individual tea pots.

I make sure the sugar bowl is filled and my creamer is out.

The curtains between the dining room and living room are closed, giving us the illusion of privacy... at least until the cats start darting through said curtains, chasing each other.

We sit at the dining room table, phones down, and we just put everything else on pause.

It gives us a chance to talk about how we're feeling...really check in with each other. And lately, we've been needing it more than ever.

It's also been a great way for me to refocus my brain when I've had a really shitty day. The routine of making everything and setting everything out keeps my mind busy and slowly my anxiety and/or depression lessen enough for me to handle it.

I know that most of you can use a break, too. So consider this blog post your own chance to pause, to check in, to take a breath. To join us in the partaking of your favorite hot beverage and letting the burdens you bear lessen for just a moment.

You know me, I'm always here for support. And we'll always have a cup waiting for you.

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The F Word

Let's get something straight here.

I am fat.

This is an objective fact.

I'm not "curvy" or "husky" or any of your other empty platitudes.

I am fat.

Don't tell me I'm not. And don't immediately follow it up with "you're beautiful!"

I. Am. Fat.

And I am beautiful.

One does not preclude the other.

My body is large and round and soft.

It has carried me through nearly 29 years of existence.

It has been broken. And hurt. And told over and over again that it's somehow worth less than someone who has a smaller body.

My body requires more fabric to clothe it.

And as a knitter, a maker of things, I have had to learn how to change and adapt my craft to accommodate me.

Because designers don't care to include people with bodies like mine in their works.

So when you marvel at how easily I seem to be able to magically make what I want appear off my needles, know that it's from years of tears and frustration and looking longingly in the distance at the straight sized bodies on parade with their perfectly fitted garments.

I don't love my body every day.

Sometimes I hate it.

Because I've been told since I was seven years old that I needed to be skinnier. That I needed to diet. That because I didn't want to be in sports, I was useless.

And gross.

And deserved to be ridiculed.

I've only been taught to hate myself.

Never to love myself.

By family. By friends. By strangers.

Don't think I've forgotten about the mother and daughter who laughed at me openly when I dared to look at a shirt in the straight sized section.

Or the kids on the playground who would run away from me because my fat body was an object of disgust to them.

Or the caregivers who tried to starve me into acquiescence of their designs for my person.

A lifetime of these stories and experiences.

You tried to shape me into a ball of loathing and disgust.

You tried to beat my spirit into the ground.

But in the dirt is where life grows.

You told me I'd never bloom into anything beautiful, but I defied you.

I grew into a vibrant and untamed bed of wildflowers.

I am all of the beauty that the sad and barren dirt patch of a heart you have wishes it could be.

And spare me the bullshit of "but your health!"

I don't owe you my health.

I don't owe you anything.

I am not your before picture, your dieting failure, your bad example, your cautionary tale.

I am a person.

I am a human being.

With thoughts and feelings and a thousand different dreams.

And none of those dreams include you and your ignorance.

I have had to fight so hard to love myself.

A veritable gauntlet of education, self-reflection, and conquering my inner-hate.

Of tears, and self-harm.

Of looking at myself and wanting to rend the very flesh from my bones.

But now, when I look in the mirror, I don't see the monster you have so long claimed me to be.

I see me.

All of me.

All of my wonder and beauty and creativity and intelligence.

Shining out from this body of mine.

And if we are all stardust, comprised of the universe...

Well, that would mean my greater concentration of mass makes my star outshine all of your loathing and hate.

I am me.

I am worth everything.

I am fat.

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Run Down and Run Over

Y'all, did you know that home repair is FUCKING STRESSFUL?!

Who would have thought?!

As such, I'm bloody exhausted. Especially because I dealt with a supremely bad panic attack over the weekend.

So, instead of trying to be my usual chatty self, it's going to be a list post.

1. We hosted a dinner party for Renee, Kevin, and Nancy (Kevin's mom). I've never cleaned this house so much in preparation. But I wanted the place to look good. I was super proud of how the dining room turned out, especially the table.

2. I made just a little bit of soup for them, too, since they had family coming into town.

And yes, that's a rolling pin that I had to stir the pot with because I didn't have a spoon long enough to reach the bottom.

That problem, however, has been solved by my awesome new kickass adoptive aunt (and Kevin's sister), Jeaninne.

Oh yeah, this witch has new cauldron stirrer.

3. The weekend after that, we decided to redo the dining room. I had some grand plans originally, which got tossed out in favor of even grander plans.

John got to pick out the color and he did a fabulous job.

We still have to paint the ceiling and get a chandelier (which I have some exciting plans for), but I LOVE how it looks so far.

4. Yes, we're totally doing a Steampunk themed room. As such, I want any metal in here to have some good aging to them, so I got to play with some paint. And I'm SUPER PROUD of how my outlet covers came out.

I also redid a mirror in the same style.

It's behind the bar and it looks so good.

5. The new curtains have completely transformed this room.

6. We also made our hallway purple by mixing in some leftover colors together.

7. The day we were painting, I made some new friends!

8. I'm finally on the last chart of my Quiet Queers Craftalong project.

I'm so ready for it to be done, let me tell you. Nearly 600 stitches per round is a little tiring. But it's going to be amazing when it's done.

9. I have a new bag to carry it in, though, and that's helping with the motivation.

The bag is from MinnieMoonSewing on etsy. And I'm in love.

Yes, yes, I know that it's not green, but I do love the yellow.

AND NOW I HAVE AN AWESOME PLACE TO KEEP ALL MY FANCY PINS!

So we have:

Woolsabi pin from Nerd Bird Makery

Just One More Spinner pin by Twill & Print (gifted to me by my lovely Makenna <3)

Destination Yarn Logo pin from Destination Yarn (not currently on the site. I purchased mine at GLFS)

Larissa Brown Yarn Ball Moon Pin from Twisted Yarn Shop

The sheep pin was purchased at Great Trails a few years ago and I don't have the maker's name.

10. The bathroom has gone from this:

To this:

We got the hardest of it done. Hoping to finish it this weekend coming up. Still have to install fan and lights and finish fixing the wall. AND we have to replace the friggin drain under the sink now because of course we do.

Oh, and paint. That would also be helpful.

Quick shout out to Kevin and Renee for being willing to help us do all of this. There was no way we'd have been able to fix this on our own and we certainly couldn't afford someone else to come in and fix it. Not to mention their generation pieces and parts donations as we realized that we didn't have everything we needed.

11. To try and keep myself calm and relaxed during all the renovations, I started a new improvised scrap shawl.

And it's like the exact opposite of everything I like. But I'm also in so totally in love with it. I don't quite understand why, but *shrug*.

Look at how fun all those colors are. And it's mostly random scraps and minis I had laying around (a lot of them from Mikayla's destashing, so thank you dear) held with just bare ivory yarn. And it's absolutely magical.

Like I said, it's totally not my colors, but this is all I want in my life now.

In fact, I love it so much that I started a second one using black as my base color.

I *may or may not* have a bunch of neon minis now in my posession to add to these..

With more on the way...

12. I may release this as a pattern eventually, if anyone would be interested? It's a great scrap user-upper. Like, I have a bit of yarn in here that was only like a yard long and it just WORKS.

13. I'll leave you off with my beautiful face because I had some really good selfies recently.

And just for John.

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Like my writing? You can help support me and future writing projects directly by donating through the links below!

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