The Beginning, The End

For the first time in almost 7 months, I did my full makeup.

I put on the dress that I was supposed to wear to Christmas last year.

I put on the shawl I had finished a few days ago.

Robyn and I walked to the small patch of woods where we take pictures of my finished shawls.

Half of it is gone now. Burned down and ripped out by the town.

I was anxious.

Nervous.

I couldn't remember how to hold my hands. Do I smile for these?

It slowly came back to me.

The last time we were here was May 30th. We took pics of Bright Tomorrow.

The first time we came here this year, we were taking pictures of Orchid Thief, a project that brought me my first guest blog post.

I am six months an owner of my own business.

This shawl was made with yarn I dyed myself in the first iteration of my second most popular colorway.

The pattern is Sunshine and Pinwheels. The very first knit shawl pattern I ever made.

The beginning of my love affair with knit lace.

I knit this pattern last year, too.

I don't want to think of the numbers. Of the days and days and days and days and weeks and months of being locked inside.

I don't want to deal with the fear. The anxiety of losing your breath. The suspicion and terror of being close to any human outside of your bubble.

I don't want to acknowledge the grief, the loss, the pain.

Don't think, don't think, don't think.

I've knit 7 shawls this year.

I have worn them nowhere.

I have turned 30.

I have opened my business.

I have been married to Robyn for 9 years.

I have been with Lily for 4 years.

I have celebrated none of these.

I have hugged three people outside of my family in 10 months. 

I miss friends.

I miss people.

My heart hurts.

I will end this year as I have spent this year: quiet and sad.

I have no resolutions, no other hopes or dreams for this upcoming year. I just want to survive.

Colorwork-ful Revelations

Yes, friends, it's true.

I think I've FINALLY discovered a type of colorwork that I enjoy.

Why didn't anyone tell me about mosaic knitting sooner?!

I started this last year as a knit along with Mikayla. Neither one of us really committed to it, so it was kind of a off-and-on project. Especially because I kept switching colors.

Like, oh my god, I changed my mind A MILLION GODDAMNED TIMES. And ripped it out again and again as I had new ideas.

But when my mom asked for a shawl and this one was already so far along, I finally committed and got it done.

Mostly...

See, this should have a whole other repeat of the brown and white design, buuuuttttttt I screwed it up. I added an extra color in because I didn't think I'd have enough of the white and it would have screwed up the whole pattern if I tried to do the last repeat. So I said fuck it and just moved onto the ribbing.

The important thing is that my mom loves it and it's perfect for her to use when she's relaxing on her porch or around their firepit. 

The other important thing is now I have a deep urge to make ALL THE MOSAIC THINGS!

Which is a bit of a problem since Christmas is only 34 days away. 

Hmmm... gift cards for everyone and just knit for myself is the obvious solution to this.

Reversible Decisions

Clear back in June, I had a vague idea of wanting to do something Pride related. 

T'was the season and all. 

But I also was inspired by a friend's recent FO, a giant, squishy grey shawl. 

Soooo.... I combined the two!

No real pattern. I just knew that I wanted a triangle shape with a cabled spine.

I had some lovely yarn in my stash that was grey with a small pastel rainbow section. I started with a plain grey, faded into the pastel, and then decided that I didn't like the last color I had picked out, so attempted to dye myself something that would work with what I had.

And if that wasn't enough, I also decided near the end that I liked the back of the shawl better than the front. Which meant that I had to drop the spine clear back to the beginning, flip the shawl over, and knit everything back up.

There was a lot of cursing involved, but I did it, damnit.

It was totally worth it.

I wish I could say that it's one of my favorites in my collection, but somebody stole it right from me. 

Good thing I love you, Robyn. 

Dawning

There have been 3 distinct moments on this journey that have triggered my "oh-my-god-this-is-actually-real-holy-shit" reaction: when I got my bank card with the business name on it, seeing my tags hanging on my yarn, and photographing the first project using my yarn.

In my previous post, I introduced you to the 3 colors that I'm starting my repeatable color catalog with. As we got closer to the initial opening date, I had an "oh shit" moment when I realized that I didn't have a sample actually showing said colors. 

It was actually super hard finding a pattern that fit my requirements. I needed something with a lot of lace (since that's what I feel a lot of my yarn is good for), used 3 colors, and could be done relatively quickly. 

There were a LOT of 3 color shawls out there, but most of them were shapes I don't generally like to wear (sorry, asymmetrical triangle fans, but they're not for me) or didn't actually use all 3 colors for the lace parts.

I ended up finding a Boo Knits pattern (Bright Tomorrow) and diving in.

And, HOLY HELL, is it fucking nerve-wracking knitting with something you've dyed. The whole time, all I could think was that it was going to bleed all over my hands, or that I'd damaged the yarn during the dyeing process somehow.

I don't think I breathed until it was done, washed, and on the bed, blocking.

But the results are fucking PHENOMENAL.

LOOK AT IT! 

I DID THAT!

I DYED THAT!

And it's not just a one-off for me!

I can make these same colors again and again and send them out to other yarn friends to enjoy!

I am so dang excited to see others working with these yarns, these colors. Creating their own magic.

We're almost there, my friends. Are you as excited as I am?

An Introduction

Well, July is here.

And with July comes the looming opening date of my yarn shop. (The 17th... mark your calendars)

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified. Being someone with anxiety, my brain is constantly trying to undermine me and tell me that everyone is going to hate my yarn and that I'll be stuck with a whole bunch of stash that I'll never be able to get through. Not to mention all the money I'm out.

But I can't sell yarn if I don't, y'know, show it off...

But I've still been weirdly reluctant to write this post... to introduce y'all to my yarn. Even though I adore it all. Like REALLY love it.

So, I'm going to fight against my instinct to apologize for it all and instead just show you what I have to offer.

Without further ado, here are Black Goat Fibers official repeatable colors.

For the initial launch, I'm offering three repeatable colors and a whole butt-load of one-off's. Like a TON of them.

But let's just focus on the three.

First up is Moonwashed Lavender.

It hovers between silver and purple, depending on lighting and what you pair it with. 

I accidentally created this color when I was just chucking random dyes together to see how they worked and absolutely fell in love. 

This is shown on my lace weight base, Omen.

Next up is probably my favorite name so far, Goat Feathers.

This is cooler than a celery color, but more green than sea foam. Not quite mint, either. 

But it's A Good Heckin' Green, if I do say so myself.

This is on Familiar, a fingering weight merino/nylon base.

And lastly we have Cloaked.

A very deep cool grey, Cloaked is a great neutral and pairs well with practically everything. Especially with the other two colors in the collection.

I don't want to overwhelm y'all with everything I have, so I'll leave this here for now.

This is also on the Omen base. I do have one other base, but I haven't gotten those photographed yet.

Good lord, there's still so much to do...

*panic intensifies*

Anyway, next time I'll show you the shawl I made with these three colors and share what it felt like to actually make something with my own products.

For now, here's a teaser.

Cheers!

Friends

I didn't meet Morgan by pure happenstance early last year.

In fact, it was a deliberate choice on my part.

I remember getting the email from Harps and Thistles about an upcoming trunkshow with Knitcraft and Knittery, their first in the US. And my little heart was all aflutter with the chance to meet them because, duh, new yarn friends!

What I didn't expect was just how important of a person Morgan would end up being in my life.

As we've gotten closer over this last year or so, I've been privileged to see just how incredibly generous and passionate of a person Morgan is, always going out of their way to not only help others, but to fight for and lift up others' voices, too.

Morgan, for me, has been the cheerleader, supporter, and mentor that I never knew I needed.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a clear, reachable goal ahead of me (global pandemic aside) and I WILL get there.

None of that would have been possible without Morgan guiding and helping me, with a smile and a "You've got this!"

Last Saturday, we were supposed to go to the Pittsburgh Creative Arts Festival together (which has obviously been cancelled), a rather big thing for me as I am not used to going so far away from home without Robyn.

But with Morgan's reassurance, plus the generous offer to change their own plans to better suit my anxieties, I was excited to go.

I had knit this shawl (Softsweater's Authenticity) to wear, specifically to showcase the new Targhee/Columbia base Morgan's now selling.

I used Sandilocks for the body and Kat-ctus for the edging.

But what Morgan didn't know, was that I was always planning on gifting this to them as a thank you for everything they've done for me.

To be clear, I told them I was doing this right after finishing the damn thing, because I am HORRIBLE at keeping secrets.

But I figured I should show y'all before I pass it on.

So thank you, Morgan, you wonderful, amazing, smart, talented, hilarious, beautiful soul, for everything you've done and are doing.

Love you, bud.

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This Is A Lot

There is just Too Much going on right now to try and write a cohesive post, so it's time to bring back an old favorite... the list post!

1. First and foremost, the world is a terrifying place right now. Coronavirus is in our area and things are looking grim.

They've shut down our schools for the next 3 weeks, which means some of our kids are going to be going hungry because school was the only place they got consistent meals.

People are selfishly hoarding everything, which means that lower income and disabled folks aren't even to get the bare necessities.

And because of fucking capitalism, this virus is going to spread through the masses as we've created a system where missing a single day of work is the difference between surviving and complete ruin for a lot of folks.

I personally am terrified for a few family members who are older and/or immunocompromised.

I can't really do much other than offer to listen if you need someone to unload your anxiety on to, but know that I'm here if that's the case.

2. It's been said a million times in a million other places, but please minimize your contact with others as much as possible. Frequently disinfect communal surfaces. Keep away from family members and loved ones who are more susceptible to illness. AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS!

Seriously, I don't fucking care if you think this is "no big deal" or that "I'll survive it fine." Think about someone other than yourself for once and realize that NOT EVERYONE CAN AND WILL BE OKAY! And do you want to be the one responsible for someone else getting ill AND POTENTIALLY DYING because you can't pull your head out of your own ass?

Do your research. Listen to ACTUAL SCIENTISTS AND DOCTORS. Not your bullshit consipracy-esque facebook memes.

3. Sorry, I'm a wee bit frustrated with Certain People at the moment.

4. Because of the virus, huge events are being cancelled everywhere. This is going to severely impact and hurt a lot of indie dyers, artists, and other content creators who rely on these events to make a living.

So if you can, try to support them as much as you can. Order from online shops, donate money, sign up for folks' Patreons... whatever you can do to help make this time less stressful for others.

5. I was actually supposed to be going to the Pittsburgh Creative Arts Festival next weekend with Morgan, but it's been postponed.

Which means that this shawl that I started last Thursday...

And finished yesterday (a mere week later) with the intention of wearing it to said event...

 Doesn't really have a purpose.

Which means three out of the last four shawls I've made have earned that designation.

Maybe I should stop making shawls for events...

6. We know that isn't actually going to happen.

7. Speaking of Morgan, we've been hanging out a lot and it's been AMAZING.

Mostly because they're just an awesome person and the extrovert writing this has sorely needed some human interaction.

But also because they're teaching me to dye yarn.

Which leads me to...

8. I may actually soon be in a position to sell my own hand dyed yarn, something I've literally dreamed about for YEARS.

Morgan has literally thrown open the door to a path that I never thought I'd get close to. (Seriously, I've cried several times over the last few days because of how grateful I am and how overwhelmingly happy I am that I get to do this. And even saying that isn't really a good description for my current emotions.)

I am SO EXCITED to share the plans and schemes I have soon. I think my fellow lace knitters will be happy in particular.

It'll be awhile before anything is finalized and fully set up, but keep an eye out.

9. And if that wasn't enough excitement, I also GOT ASKED TO BE A GUEST BLOGGER FOR YSOLDA TEAGUE!

Apparently, her and her team loved my giant friggin Orchid Thief and would like to feature it.

I'll share a link when it comes out.

But y'all, WHAT EVEN IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?!?!

10. And on top of all that, I'm ALSO working on writing up a worsted version of my Rainbomb pattern with the intent of selling it.

I'm making the sample in all affordable yarns, too, so anyone will be able to make it.

I'm not sure exactly when it will be out, because pattern and testing and such, plus trying to figure out the whole yarn business thing, but I promise it WILL be out sometime this year.

11. Is that still not enough? Because guess what?

I ALSO have found my passion for painting again.

One of my favorite artists released a how-to-ish video for watercolor, making this piece at the end.

View this post on Instagram

HAPPY LITTLE TREES! This is the final product from my most recent art tutorial over on YouTube. I had no idea what it was going to be. Still don't know. NAME THE CREATURE IN THE COMMENTS! #watercolor #colorfulpaint #painting #oddart #creatures #howtoart #creativeinspiration

A post shared by Mary Doodles (@marydoodles) on Mar 1, 2020 at 8:27am PST

And I was so firggin inspired that I whipped out my own paints and made this.

I loved that little creature so much that I also made this.

And I started a new Henry piece.

I feel like I'm waking up and living again. I WANT to make stuff. I'm excited to.

I've missed that.

Of course it has to be while the rest of the world is burning down around me, but I guess I'll take the wins I can.

12. And to round us out (and because it wouldn't be a good post without some yarn porn)...

Why hello, there.

This is Serendipitous Wool's Vajra yarn in Forbidden Forest.

And y'all, I've got SOME PLANS for this.

Which I should probably get to.

So I'll catch up with y'all later and leave you once again with this:

WASH YOUR GODDAMNED HANDS!

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Like my writing? You can help support me and future writing projects directly by donating through the links below!

Ko-fi link: ko-fi.com/blackgoatknitting

Paypal: https://www.paypal.me/blackgoatknitting