One Year, One Sweater

A year.

We've been at this for a whole year. 

It's been forever.

It's been no time at all.

I remember casting this on because I needed something to do to try and keep myself calm and grounded. 

Shawls felt useless. Where would I wear one to? There weren't any events for the foreseeable future, so why bother making lace and pretty things?

No, what I wanted and needed was something I could wrap myself up in and hide away.

So I cast on Writer's Block.

I'd already planned on making it at some point and already had most of the yarn, so why not?

I just needed two more skeins of the Malabrigo Rios I used, so I ordered it from Harps and Thistles. 

It felt so weird, to order yarn from them online. Every other time, I'd happily go to the shop to get what I needed. Just so I could spend an hour or two with my fellow yarn friends. 

Cindy brought my yarn out to the car. No going in, no chatting or browsing.

That's actually the last time I've been to the shop in a year. 

I can't even begin to describe how much I miss it. And the people. Oh god, do I miss the people.

I've caught myself crying quite a few times when I start thinking about all the pj parties we've missed.

I haven't gotten to share my accomplishments with them, the new things I've made. Instead, I only see the social media posts of others. 

No chatting or discussing, really. No in-depth back-and-forth conversations about what went right, what went wrong, laughing and joking and actually TALKING.

I crave that human interaction. Especially because just seeing and sharing strictly through social media can make me doubt myself and my talents. I rely on the social cues from person-to-person interaction to understand and make sense of myself. To help combat the voice in my head, telling me that I am somehow lesser.

Watching other knitters crank out sweater after sweater after sweater during the lockdown made me feel inadequate. Like my knitting skills weren't up to par. 

But time seems to be irrelevant now. It's no longer linear. Things ebb and flow in different ways for different people.

I thought this sweater took me a year. 

Cast On Date: March 26th, 2020

Cast Off Date: February 9th, 2021

Finished Date: February 12th, 2021

But in actuality, this sweater only took me 47 days to knit. 

Perspective can really change things, can't it?

That's what I'm trying to hold on to. That looking at all this from a different view can help me make sense of the world. To not fall completely to despair.

Isolation and distancing have been hell.

But it's also forced me to change perspective.

I have learned and changed and grown and discovered just how strong I actually am.

I have learned secrets about myself, wonderful revelations that are shaping me into who I am supposed to be.

I've learned what I can actually accomplish if I am given the tools and resources I need.

We're not out of this yet.

Not even close.

But I feel a little more hope than I have in quite a while.

Guess I just needed to change my view a bit.

The Beginning, The End

For the first time in almost 7 months, I did my full makeup.

I put on the dress that I was supposed to wear to Christmas last year.

I put on the shawl I had finished a few days ago.

Robyn and I walked to the small patch of woods where we take pictures of my finished shawls.

Half of it is gone now. Burned down and ripped out by the town.

I was anxious.

Nervous.

I couldn't remember how to hold my hands. Do I smile for these?

It slowly came back to me.

The last time we were here was May 30th. We took pics of Bright Tomorrow.

The first time we came here this year, we were taking pictures of Orchid Thief, a project that brought me my first guest blog post.

I am six months an owner of my own business.

This shawl was made with yarn I dyed myself in the first iteration of my second most popular colorway.

The pattern is Sunshine and Pinwheels. The very first knit shawl pattern I ever made.

The beginning of my love affair with knit lace.

I knit this pattern last year, too.

I don't want to think of the numbers. Of the days and days and days and days and weeks and months of being locked inside.

I don't want to deal with the fear. The anxiety of losing your breath. The suspicion and terror of being close to any human outside of your bubble.

I don't want to acknowledge the grief, the loss, the pain.

Don't think, don't think, don't think.

I've knit 7 shawls this year.

I have worn them nowhere.

I have turned 30.

I have opened my business.

I have been married to Robyn for 9 years.

I have been with Lily for 4 years.

I have celebrated none of these.

I have hugged three people outside of my family in 10 months. 

I miss friends.

I miss people.

My heart hurts.

I will end this year as I have spent this year: quiet and sad.

I have no resolutions, no other hopes or dreams for this upcoming year. I just want to survive.

Colorwork-ful Revelations

Yes, friends, it's true.

I think I've FINALLY discovered a type of colorwork that I enjoy.

Why didn't anyone tell me about mosaic knitting sooner?!

I started this last year as a knit along with Mikayla. Neither one of us really committed to it, so it was kind of a off-and-on project. Especially because I kept switching colors.

Like, oh my god, I changed my mind A MILLION GODDAMNED TIMES. And ripped it out again and again as I had new ideas.

But when my mom asked for a shawl and this one was already so far along, I finally committed and got it done.

Mostly...

See, this should have a whole other repeat of the brown and white design, buuuuttttttt I screwed it up. I added an extra color in because I didn't think I'd have enough of the white and it would have screwed up the whole pattern if I tried to do the last repeat. So I said fuck it and just moved onto the ribbing.

The important thing is that my mom loves it and it's perfect for her to use when she's relaxing on her porch or around their firepit. 

The other important thing is now I have a deep urge to make ALL THE MOSAIC THINGS!

Which is a bit of a problem since Christmas is only 34 days away. 

Hmmm... gift cards for everyone and just knit for myself is the obvious solution to this.

Reversible Decisions

Clear back in June, I had a vague idea of wanting to do something Pride related. 

T'was the season and all. 

But I also was inspired by a friend's recent FO, a giant, squishy grey shawl. 

Soooo.... I combined the two!

No real pattern. I just knew that I wanted a triangle shape with a cabled spine.

I had some lovely yarn in my stash that was grey with a small pastel rainbow section. I started with a plain grey, faded into the pastel, and then decided that I didn't like the last color I had picked out, so attempted to dye myself something that would work with what I had.

And if that wasn't enough, I also decided near the end that I liked the back of the shawl better than the front. Which meant that I had to drop the spine clear back to the beginning, flip the shawl over, and knit everything back up.

There was a lot of cursing involved, but I did it, damnit.

It was totally worth it.

I wish I could say that it's one of my favorites in my collection, but somebody stole it right from me. 

Good thing I love you, Robyn. 

Dawning

There have been 3 distinct moments on this journey that have triggered my "oh-my-god-this-is-actually-real-holy-shit" reaction: when I got my bank card with the business name on it, seeing my tags hanging on my yarn, and photographing the first project using my yarn.

In my previous post, I introduced you to the 3 colors that I'm starting my repeatable color catalog with. As we got closer to the initial opening date, I had an "oh shit" moment when I realized that I didn't have a sample actually showing said colors. 

It was actually super hard finding a pattern that fit my requirements. I needed something with a lot of lace (since that's what I feel a lot of my yarn is good for), used 3 colors, and could be done relatively quickly. 

There were a LOT of 3 color shawls out there, but most of them were shapes I don't generally like to wear (sorry, asymmetrical triangle fans, but they're not for me) or didn't actually use all 3 colors for the lace parts.

I ended up finding a Boo Knits pattern (Bright Tomorrow) and diving in.

And, HOLY HELL, is it fucking nerve-wracking knitting with something you've dyed. The whole time, all I could think was that it was going to bleed all over my hands, or that I'd damaged the yarn during the dyeing process somehow.

I don't think I breathed until it was done, washed, and on the bed, blocking.

But the results are fucking PHENOMENAL.

LOOK AT IT! 

I DID THAT!

I DYED THAT!

And it's not just a one-off for me!

I can make these same colors again and again and send them out to other yarn friends to enjoy!

I am so dang excited to see others working with these yarns, these colors. Creating their own magic.

We're almost there, my friends. Are you as excited as I am?

Friends

I didn't meet Morgan by pure happenstance early last year.

In fact, it was a deliberate choice on my part.

I remember getting the email from Harps and Thistles about an upcoming trunkshow with Knitcraft and Knittery, their first in the US. And my little heart was all aflutter with the chance to meet them because, duh, new yarn friends!

What I didn't expect was just how important of a person Morgan would end up being in my life.

As we've gotten closer over this last year or so, I've been privileged to see just how incredibly generous and passionate of a person Morgan is, always going out of their way to not only help others, but to fight for and lift up others' voices, too.

Morgan, for me, has been the cheerleader, supporter, and mentor that I never knew I needed.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a clear, reachable goal ahead of me (global pandemic aside) and I WILL get there.

None of that would have been possible without Morgan guiding and helping me, with a smile and a "You've got this!"

Last Saturday, we were supposed to go to the Pittsburgh Creative Arts Festival together (which has obviously been cancelled), a rather big thing for me as I am not used to going so far away from home without Robyn.

But with Morgan's reassurance, plus the generous offer to change their own plans to better suit my anxieties, I was excited to go.

I had knit this shawl (Softsweater's Authenticity) to wear, specifically to showcase the new Targhee/Columbia base Morgan's now selling.

I used Sandilocks for the body and Kat-ctus for the edging.

But what Morgan didn't know, was that I was always planning on gifting this to them as a thank you for everything they've done for me.

To be clear, I told them I was doing this right after finishing the damn thing, because I am HORRIBLE at keeping secrets.

But I figured I should show y'all before I pass it on.

So thank you, Morgan, you wonderful, amazing, smart, talented, hilarious, beautiful soul, for everything you've done and are doing.

Love you, bud.

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