The Beginning, The End

For the first time in almost 7 months, I did my full makeup.

I put on the dress that I was supposed to wear to Christmas last year.

I put on the shawl I had finished a few days ago.

Robyn and I walked to the small patch of woods where we take pictures of my finished shawls.

Half of it is gone now. Burned down and ripped out by the town.

I was anxious.

Nervous.

I couldn't remember how to hold my hands. Do I smile for these?

It slowly came back to me.

The last time we were here was May 30th. We took pics of Bright Tomorrow.

The first time we came here this year, we were taking pictures of Orchid Thief, a project that brought me my first guest blog post.

I am six months an owner of my own business.

This shawl was made with yarn I dyed myself in the first iteration of my second most popular colorway.

The pattern is Sunshine and Pinwheels. The very first knit shawl pattern I ever made.

The beginning of my love affair with knit lace.

I knit this pattern last year, too.

I don't want to think of the numbers. Of the days and days and days and days and weeks and months of being locked inside.

I don't want to deal with the fear. The anxiety of losing your breath. The suspicion and terror of being close to any human outside of your bubble.

I don't want to acknowledge the grief, the loss, the pain.

Don't think, don't think, don't think.

I've knit 7 shawls this year.

I have worn them nowhere.

I have turned 30.

I have opened my business.

I have been married to Robyn for 9 years.

I have been with Lily for 4 years.

I have celebrated none of these.

I have hugged three people outside of my family in 10 months. 

I miss friends.

I miss people.

My heart hurts.

I will end this year as I have spent this year: quiet and sad.

I have no resolutions, no other hopes or dreams for this upcoming year. I just want to survive.

Cold Hollywood

So I had started this week intending to write a blog post about some of the stuff I was currently working on, including the shawl I was making to wear to the formal Christmas party with Kevin and Renee.

See? This was taken Monday.

I procrastinated my writing and in the meantime and, uhhh..... I finished the knitting.

Seriously, I bound it off Thursday. So I decided I might as well wait until the weekend to make the post.

It would be better, right? I could put on some pretty clothes and show y'all something awesome.

I even posted some teaser pics on my instagram stories to get the hype up.

And because I needed validation after sewing nearly 40 of those goddamned beads to the points of this thing.

ANYway, I woke up this morning with every intention of going out and taking fancy pictures of this beauty, but then I realized I just didn't want to.

I didn't sleep well last night, I didn't feel like making myself look all fancy... and it was cold. Like REALLY FUCKING COLD. Cold enough that I did NOT want to stand around in just a dress to make things pretty.

So instead, you get these super quick shots out front.

This is yet another Sunshine and Pinwheels, the same pattern I made for my family member back in August. I even used the same yarn (Malabrigo Mora) but in a different color.

It's really hard to tell in pictures, but this is the color of antique linens. Y'know that wonderful brown patina they get? Yeah, that's what this looks like.

And of course as you already saw, I had to go full Extra Mode and not only add beads in the pattern, but also sewed on those teardrop crystals on the points as well.

It gives the whole thing an Old Hollywood feel. And it looks FABULOUS with the emerald green velvet dress I have to wear.

But if you feel like you're missing out on my beautiful face in this post, well, I don't want to leave my dear readers disappointed.

So here you go: Me in all my hair-blowing-pj-wearing-no-makeup-or-bra glory.

I even took some Moody Selfies.

A special thank you to my long-suffering spouse who hates being cold with a passion that rivals my hatred of being hot.

Love you babe!

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Steady On

When we last left off, I was a mere 6 rows and a picot bind-off away from finishing my vow renewal shawl.

I'm happy to report that it is, in fact, finished.

Even though the bind-off did its best to kill me. It took me 15 hours to do...

Yeah...

Anyway, I don't have any finished pictures yet because my skin decided that a giant friggin zit ON MY LIP of all places was what I needed. And I don't really want that in my photos with such a gorgeous shawl. So instead you can just have this teaser of the pre-blocked beauty.

As for everything else relating to the vow renewal, things are steadily moving forward.

We're working on getting the Christmas decorations up, which are also the deorations we're using for the ceremony.

The mantle is done.

Some of the garlands are up.

I've started on the tree.

But I do need to go buy more decorations for it because it's just *slightly* bigger than we anticipated.

Even all this isn't enough.

But I am fond of how the top is shaping up.

Speaking of this tree, this is the one I bought when Pat Catan's was going out of business earlier this year. I paid a whopping $36 for it.

Want to know the original price?

Yep.

A $700 tree for $36.

This is probably my best buy to date.

On the knitting front, I've started a new shawl to wear for Christmas itself.

It's another Sunshine and Pinwheels in Malabrigo Mora. I made one in August for my cousin and I loved how it looked in this yarn so much that I HAD to make one for myself.

This color totally reminds me of antique linens, which is delightful. I think it'll be lovely with my emerald green velvet dress.

I'm considering adding jet black crystal beads to the points, too. Because why make life easier for myself?

I've also knit a couple of hats for John and myself.

No formal photos yet, but here you go.

This is just an improvised design, but I DID write it all down, so I'll probably throw it up on here eventually as a free pattern.

I especially love the giant pom-pom on mine.

I also have some knitting-to-be in the form of the Anthophila Sweater.

It has bees on it. How can I not?

I'm thinking ivory body and gold bees.

Wouldn't that be stunning?

This will probably be my January/February project. An indulgence of selfish knitting after the holiday rush.

Because yes, I AM ALSO KNITTING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

I *obviously* don't have enough to do.

But going back to the selfish knitting, I was kinda maybe considering hosting a craft-along around that theme? Some self-care crafting at the start of the year for everyone who needs it. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in? Let me know!

For now, though, I need to get back to work. Today's goals were to write this and finish painting our upstairs hallway. And sadly, I haven't completed my painting robot, so I guess that's on me to do.

So, I'll leave you with our color inspiration for this space.

Cheers!

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Quiet Gifts

Sometimes projects are a long slog to get through them.

Others... well, they just kind of fall of the needles quietly.

Such was the case with my most recent finished shawl.

I wanted to make something for a family member, and quickly settled on Sunshine & Pinwheels. (Coincidentally, the very first lace shawl pattern I ever tried to knit... but that's for another post.)

I had some Malabrigo Mora mulberry silk yarn in my stash and thought it'd work up nicely in this pattern.

I was right, of course. And in just two weeks, I was finished.

I didn't really have time to go take proper pictures, so you'll have to excuse just these quick snaps.

There's just something so satisfying about a good white yarn and a simple lace pattern.

I added just a touch of pizzazz with some beads in the edging.

I wrapped it up, gave it to my family member, and moved onto my next project.

Quietly made, and quietly given.
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Like my writing? You can help support me and future writing projects directly by donating through the links below!

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