The F Word

Let's get something straight here.

I am fat.

This is an objective fact.

I'm not "curvy" or "husky" or any of your other empty platitudes.

I am fat.

Don't tell me I'm not. And don't immediately follow it up with "you're beautiful!"

I. Am. Fat.

And I am beautiful.

One does not preclude the other.

My body is large and round and soft.

It has carried me through nearly 29 years of existence.

It has been broken. And hurt. And told over and over again that it's somehow worth less than someone who has a smaller body.

My body requires more fabric to clothe it.

And as a knitter, a maker of things, I have had to learn how to change and adapt my craft to accommodate me.

Because designers don't care to include people with bodies like mine in their works.

So when you marvel at how easily I seem to be able to magically make what I want appear off my needles, know that it's from years of tears and frustration and looking longingly in the distance at the straight sized bodies on parade with their perfectly fitted garments.

I don't love my body every day.

Sometimes I hate it.

Because I've been told since I was seven years old that I needed to be skinnier. That I needed to diet. That because I didn't want to be in sports, I was useless.

And gross.

And deserved to be ridiculed.

I've only been taught to hate myself.

Never to love myself.

By family. By friends. By strangers.

Don't think I've forgotten about the mother and daughter who laughed at me openly when I dared to look at a shirt in the straight sized section.

Or the kids on the playground who would run away from me because my fat body was an object of disgust to them.

Or the caregivers who tried to starve me into acquiescence of their designs for my person.

A lifetime of these stories and experiences.

You tried to shape me into a ball of loathing and disgust.

You tried to beat my spirit into the ground.

But in the dirt is where life grows.

You told me I'd never bloom into anything beautiful, but I defied you.

I grew into a vibrant and untamed bed of wildflowers.

I am all of the beauty that the sad and barren dirt patch of a heart you have wishes it could be.

And spare me the bullshit of "but your health!"

I don't owe you my health.

I don't owe you anything.

I am not your before picture, your dieting failure, your bad example, your cautionary tale.

I am a person.

I am a human being.

With thoughts and feelings and a thousand different dreams.

And none of those dreams include you and your ignorance.

I have had to fight so hard to love myself.

A veritable gauntlet of education, self-reflection, and conquering my inner-hate.

Of tears, and self-harm.

Of looking at myself and wanting to rend the very flesh from my bones.

But now, when I look in the mirror, I don't see the monster you have so long claimed me to be.

I see me.

All of me.

All of my wonder and beauty and creativity and intelligence.

Shining out from this body of mine.

And if we are all stardust, comprised of the universe...

Well, that would mean my greater concentration of mass makes my star outshine all of your loathing and hate.

I am me.

I am worth everything.

I am fat.

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Run Down and Run Over

Y'all, did you know that home repair is FUCKING STRESSFUL?!

Who would have thought?!

As such, I'm bloody exhausted. Especially because I dealt with a supremely bad panic attack over the weekend.

So, instead of trying to be my usual chatty self, it's going to be a list post.

1. We hosted a dinner party for Renee, Kevin, and Nancy (Kevin's mom). I've never cleaned this house so much in preparation. But I wanted the place to look good. I was super proud of how the dining room turned out, especially the table.

2. I made just a little bit of soup for them, too, since they had family coming into town.

And yes, that's a rolling pin that I had to stir the pot with because I didn't have a spoon long enough to reach the bottom.

That problem, however, has been solved by my awesome new kickass adoptive aunt (and Kevin's sister), Jeaninne.

Oh yeah, this witch has new cauldron stirrer.

3. The weekend after that, we decided to redo the dining room. I had some grand plans originally, which got tossed out in favor of even grander plans.

John got to pick out the color and he did a fabulous job.

We still have to paint the ceiling and get a chandelier (which I have some exciting plans for), but I LOVE how it looks so far.

4. Yes, we're totally doing a Steampunk themed room. As such, I want any metal in here to have some good aging to them, so I got to play with some paint. And I'm SUPER PROUD of how my outlet covers came out.

I also redid a mirror in the same style.

It's behind the bar and it looks so good.

5. The new curtains have completely transformed this room.

6. We also made our hallway purple by mixing in some leftover colors together.

7. The day we were painting, I made some new friends!

8. I'm finally on the last chart of my Quiet Queers Craftalong project.

I'm so ready for it to be done, let me tell you. Nearly 600 stitches per round is a little tiring. But it's going to be amazing when it's done.

9. I have a new bag to carry it in, though, and that's helping with the motivation.

The bag is from MinnieMoonSewing on etsy. And I'm in love.

Yes, yes, I know that it's not green, but I do love the yellow.

AND NOW I HAVE AN AWESOME PLACE TO KEEP ALL MY FANCY PINS!

So we have:

Woolsabi pin from Nerd Bird Makery

Just One More Spinner pin by Twill & Print (gifted to me by my lovely Makenna <3)

Destination Yarn Logo pin from Destination Yarn (not currently on the site. I purchased mine at GLFS)

Larissa Brown Yarn Ball Moon Pin from Twisted Yarn Shop

The sheep pin was purchased at Great Trails a few years ago and I don't have the maker's name.

10. The bathroom has gone from this:

To this:

We got the hardest of it done. Hoping to finish it this weekend coming up. Still have to install fan and lights and finish fixing the wall. AND we have to replace the friggin drain under the sink now because of course we do.

Oh, and paint. That would also be helpful.

Quick shout out to Kevin and Renee for being willing to help us do all of this. There was no way we'd have been able to fix this on our own and we certainly couldn't afford someone else to come in and fix it. Not to mention their generation pieces and parts donations as we realized that we didn't have everything we needed.

11. To try and keep myself calm and relaxed during all the renovations, I started a new improvised scrap shawl.

And it's like the exact opposite of everything I like. But I'm also in so totally in love with it. I don't quite understand why, but *shrug*.

Look at how fun all those colors are. And it's mostly random scraps and minis I had laying around (a lot of them from Mikayla's destashing, so thank you dear) held with just bare ivory yarn. And it's absolutely magical.

Like I said, it's totally not my colors, but this is all I want in my life now.

In fact, I love it so much that I started a second one using black as my base color.

I *may or may not* have a bunch of neon minis now in my posession to add to these..

With more on the way...

12. I may release this as a pattern eventually, if anyone would be interested? It's a great scrap user-upper. Like, I have a bit of yarn in here that was only like a yard long and it just WORKS.

13. I'll leave you off with my beautiful face because I had some really good selfies recently.

And just for John.

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The Gift of Knowing

It's no secret that I have a love affair with anything knit and lacy. I'm known for making shawls. And I have made *a few* over my years as a knitter.

But I quickly found myself with a dilemma.

I have SO MANY shawls that I simply cannot wear and love them all as they deserve.

I had toyed with the idea of selling them, but it just didn't feel right to me.

I don't bemoan or look down on other fiber crafters who sell their wares. If that's what you want to do, I support you 100% and will happily direct customers your way!

But for me, selling my knitting isn't an option I'm willing to consider.

My knitting is my joy and my gift. It's my way of bringing something beautiful into the world.

It's given me a community, a place to belong, to learn and grow and explore. And not just about knitting and other fiber crafts. But about identity, diversity, and learning how to step up and fight for others.

And a sense of accomplishment, of drive to always chase the next goal. The rush of elation when you conquer something that was troubling you before.

And a voice. A way to speak about what has been trapped inside for so long.

With as much happiness and love that my crafting has brought me, I feel it's only right to give it right back.

So, I've been slowly whittling down the collection.

It's a very gradual process because I have to wait until the shawl lets me know where it should be.

Yes, yes, I know. It seems rather silly.

But these shawls are a part of me. Something I've crafted with my hands, pouring love, joy, time... and yes, anger, sadness, and frustration, too... into them. They each have their own creation stories, with roadblocks, funny anecdotes, sad tales woven in. I am them and they are me. We are each others stories.

Finding the proper stewards for these pieces of my soul isn't something to be rushed.

And let me tell you something...

I haven't been wrong yet on who to give them to.

It's another gift.

A gift of knowing who needs a shawl, a tangible gift of love and comfort, the most.

Last week, I passed Mojito on to its new steward.

It had been fidgety here. All the feelings and realizations that happened while making and wearing it were still there, clinging to the yarn. This was a shawl that needed to move, to travel, to be allowed to be shown to the world.

So I gave it to someone who is going to do exactly that.

In fact, I've been informed that Mojito will be going to Canada very soon, after first heading to its new home in Colorado.

So goodbye, you beautiful creature. And thank you for the lessons you taught me. Fly free.

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