Bitter Medicine

Today is Robyn and I's 10 year wedding anniversary.

Today I took Emmy to get her second covid vaccine.

A little less than a month ago, I got my own second vaccination. An event that I cried with sheer relief about and went out of my way to do something I hadn't done in over a year: knit a shawl for an actual occasion.

It felt like a momentous occasion that needed something pretty to celebrate.

In fact, we took these pictures the same day as my vaccination appointment.

I was relieved, grateful, and hopeful. I thought things were finally, FINALLY changing for the better. I thought my dearest friends and I were somehow going to make it through this.

We were going to be together soon. We'd be able to laugh and hug and be grateful that we could do that.

A little less than a month ago, my world was ripped apart. My heart shredded to pieces.

I lost my best friend, my Bethany.

She died from covid.

She was a month older than me. A month.

I'm not ready to talk about it. I can't.

And today has been a bitter reminder of everything I have that she never will.

She was beautiful. And so fucking clever and witty. And always on board with whatever mad schemes I could come up. Or eagerly recruiting me for hers.

I'll never forget the entire day we spent together speaking only in British accents. And I could always rely on her to join me in International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

She was one of the first people I told about actually starting Black Goat Fibers. And she was so amazingly supportive and always asking how it was going, cheering me on and encouraging me when things were overwhelming.

I knit my shawl for my appointment out of yarn I dyed myself. Yarn that wouldn't exist without Bethany's love and support.

It's not fair.

A childish statement, I know.

But it's not and my heart can't accept it.

It's not fair that I am here alive, breathing, making beautiful things, loving and loved so dearly, and my best friend is gone.

I survived this fucking pandemic and she didn't.

I was able and allowed to get my vaccine. She couldn't.

Bitter fucking medicine indeed.

One Year, One Sweater

A year.

We've been at this for a whole year. 

It's been forever.

It's been no time at all.

I remember casting this on because I needed something to do to try and keep myself calm and grounded. 

Shawls felt useless. Where would I wear one to? There weren't any events for the foreseeable future, so why bother making lace and pretty things?

No, what I wanted and needed was something I could wrap myself up in and hide away.

So I cast on Writer's Block.

I'd already planned on making it at some point and already had most of the yarn, so why not?

I just needed two more skeins of the Malabrigo Rios I used, so I ordered it from Harps and Thistles. 

It felt so weird, to order yarn from them online. Every other time, I'd happily go to the shop to get what I needed. Just so I could spend an hour or two with my fellow yarn friends. 

Cindy brought my yarn out to the car. No going in, no chatting or browsing.

That's actually the last time I've been to the shop in a year. 

I can't even begin to describe how much I miss it. And the people. Oh god, do I miss the people.

I've caught myself crying quite a few times when I start thinking about all the pj parties we've missed.

I haven't gotten to share my accomplishments with them, the new things I've made. Instead, I only see the social media posts of others. 

No chatting or discussing, really. No in-depth back-and-forth conversations about what went right, what went wrong, laughing and joking and actually TALKING.

I crave that human interaction. Especially because just seeing and sharing strictly through social media can make me doubt myself and my talents. I rely on the social cues from person-to-person interaction to understand and make sense of myself. To help combat the voice in my head, telling me that I am somehow lesser.

Watching other knitters crank out sweater after sweater after sweater during the lockdown made me feel inadequate. Like my knitting skills weren't up to par. 

But time seems to be irrelevant now. It's no longer linear. Things ebb and flow in different ways for different people.

I thought this sweater took me a year. 

Cast On Date: March 26th, 2020

Cast Off Date: February 9th, 2021

Finished Date: February 12th, 2021

But in actuality, this sweater only took me 47 days to knit. 

Perspective can really change things, can't it?

That's what I'm trying to hold on to. That looking at all this from a different view can help me make sense of the world. To not fall completely to despair.

Isolation and distancing have been hell.

But it's also forced me to change perspective.

I have learned and changed and grown and discovered just how strong I actually am.

I have learned secrets about myself, wonderful revelations that are shaping me into who I am supposed to be.

I've learned what I can actually accomplish if I am given the tools and resources I need.

We're not out of this yet.

Not even close.

But I feel a little more hope than I have in quite a while.

Guess I just needed to change my view a bit.

Fifteen

Today is Robyn and I's 15 year anniversary.

It was a weird day.

We had plans on spending the day together. They had the vacation time, so they were going to take the day off.

Instead, they spent the day finishing up their last tasks for work because they were let go.

It's been terrifying. I now find myself as sole income for our household. Which means I spent the day sitting at the computer, trying to get a shop update out. To try and sell more yarn. To try and keep us afloat. I ended up with my third headache in two days.

We laid on the couch and cuddled as they clocked out for the last time. They ended up falling asleep on the couch, worn out from the emotional nuclear bomb the last couple months have been. 

I made us dinner. Not anything special like I wanted. But it was good at least.

And now we're sitting at our computers, doing our usual Friday night routines.

They don't know I'm writing this. 

This is actually my first post of 2021.

I hope you don't mind the rambling. Words are hard anymore.

We've reached the point where we've been together for so long that I have trouble remembering things from the beginning of us.

Life has blurred so much of it together.

But what I know is that I love Robyn more now than I did at the beginning.

I love how we've grown together. I love how comfortable we are with each other. I love our easy companionship and wordless understanding. \

And I love how much we still make each other laugh.

Today was a weird day. 

But at least we got through the weird together.

The Beginning, The End

For the first time in almost 7 months, I did my full makeup.

I put on the dress that I was supposed to wear to Christmas last year.

I put on the shawl I had finished a few days ago.

Robyn and I walked to the small patch of woods where we take pictures of my finished shawls.

Half of it is gone now. Burned down and ripped out by the town.

I was anxious.

Nervous.

I couldn't remember how to hold my hands. Do I smile for these?

It slowly came back to me.

The last time we were here was May 30th. We took pics of Bright Tomorrow.

The first time we came here this year, we were taking pictures of Orchid Thief, a project that brought me my first guest blog post.

I am six months an owner of my own business.

This shawl was made with yarn I dyed myself in the first iteration of my second most popular colorway.

The pattern is Sunshine and Pinwheels. The very first knit shawl pattern I ever made.

The beginning of my love affair with knit lace.

I knit this pattern last year, too.

I don't want to think of the numbers. Of the days and days and days and days and weeks and months of being locked inside.

I don't want to deal with the fear. The anxiety of losing your breath. The suspicion and terror of being close to any human outside of your bubble.

I don't want to acknowledge the grief, the loss, the pain.

Don't think, don't think, don't think.

I've knit 7 shawls this year.

I have worn them nowhere.

I have turned 30.

I have opened my business.

I have been married to Robyn for 9 years.

I have been with Lily for 4 years.

I have celebrated none of these.

I have hugged three people outside of my family in 10 months. 

I miss friends.

I miss people.

My heart hurts.

I will end this year as I have spent this year: quiet and sad.

I have no resolutions, no other hopes or dreams for this upcoming year. I just want to survive.

Harbinger of Loom

Okay, listen. There really isn't any weaving content in this post, but I HAD to make that pun. 

Like, legally obligated.

Let's just move on to the yarn, shall we?

That's right!

I'm adding a BRAND NEW YARN BASE to my line up!

And, y'all... I AM SO IN LOVE WITH IT!

Introducing Harbinger, a DK weight yarn made up of the same superwash BFL as my Omen lace base.

It's 245 yards of pure bliss. 

Seriously. I've barely taken my hat off since I finished it.

I'll have a very limited quantity going up in the shop this Friday, December 4th at 3pm Eastern.

So be ready to snatch it up!

See you Friday.

Colorwork-ful Revelations

Yes, friends, it's true.

I think I've FINALLY discovered a type of colorwork that I enjoy.

Why didn't anyone tell me about mosaic knitting sooner?!

I started this last year as a knit along with Mikayla. Neither one of us really committed to it, so it was kind of a off-and-on project. Especially because I kept switching colors.

Like, oh my god, I changed my mind A MILLION GODDAMNED TIMES. And ripped it out again and again as I had new ideas.

But when my mom asked for a shawl and this one was already so far along, I finally committed and got it done.

Mostly...

See, this should have a whole other repeat of the brown and white design, buuuuttttttt I screwed it up. I added an extra color in because I didn't think I'd have enough of the white and it would have screwed up the whole pattern if I tried to do the last repeat. So I said fuck it and just moved onto the ribbing.

The important thing is that my mom loves it and it's perfect for her to use when she's relaxing on her porch or around their firepit. 

The other important thing is now I have a deep urge to make ALL THE MOSAIC THINGS!

Which is a bit of a problem since Christmas is only 34 days away. 

Hmmm... gift cards for everyone and just knit for myself is the obvious solution to this.

Reversible Decisions

Clear back in June, I had a vague idea of wanting to do something Pride related. 

T'was the season and all. 

But I also was inspired by a friend's recent FO, a giant, squishy grey shawl. 

Soooo.... I combined the two!

No real pattern. I just knew that I wanted a triangle shape with a cabled spine.

I had some lovely yarn in my stash that was grey with a small pastel rainbow section. I started with a plain grey, faded into the pastel, and then decided that I didn't like the last color I had picked out, so attempted to dye myself something that would work with what I had.

And if that wasn't enough, I also decided near the end that I liked the back of the shawl better than the front. Which meant that I had to drop the spine clear back to the beginning, flip the shawl over, and knit everything back up.

There was a lot of cursing involved, but I did it, damnit.

It was totally worth it.

I wish I could say that it's one of my favorites in my collection, but somebody stole it right from me. 

Good thing I love you, Robyn.