A Most Important Note

(Just FYI, I have full permission to share this.)

My most darling spouse has updated their pronouns to they/them and I will be using those going forward.

And for the record, darling...

I'm pretty dang proud of you.

And I can't wait to see what these changes will mean for your confidence and happiness in the future.

Love you, nerd.

<3

Queer Pi for the Fat Bi

This is proving to be a hard one to write, y'all. I had hoped that this was going to be a bright and happy post. Something to celebrate an accomplishment.

My heart and head just hurt. I'm just exhausted from... well, everything.

But I'll try my best to bring some love and light to you, my dear readers. Because maybe a rainbow is exactly what we need right now.

Back in June, a craftalong arose on instagram that I felt I had to take a part of.

It came out of the desire for a digital knitting group for those of us in the queer community who are not as comfortable at the typical Pride celebration. Large crowds and loud noises are not our jam. It was also geared towards those of us who maybe still trying to learn how to be comfortable with our queer identities.

As it started growing and changing, it was decided that not only would this serve as a way to bring the crafty queer folks together, but also as a way to celebrate queer dyers and pattern designers. Participants were encouraged to use yarn and/or patterns specifically from queer folks.

Thus, the Quiet Queers Craftalong was born.

I knew from the beginning that using Morgan's yarn from Knitcraft and Knittery was the only option for me. I ended up using their merino fingering weight in a deep charcoal black called My Sister's Soul.

As for the pattern, I decided to bite off more than I could chew challenge myself by picking a circular shawl by Frenchie of Aroha Knits. Because, y'know, it only took me A YEAR to knit my last circular shawl...

Caim Shawl called to me. So, I purchased the pattern, got my yarn, and got started...

And then IMMEDIATELY decided to add misery for myself another challenge by incorporating beads into the increase rounds. Did I mention they're in rainbow order?

Y'all, I STRUGGLED with this one. I struggled hard. I knit all of my anger and frustration and hurt into this shawl. And I just couldn't finish it properly.

My heart and my hands hurt so much that I ended up binding off 48 rows early.

Yes, my friends. I made a shawl smaller than the pattern called for again. That should tell you how much I was dealing with in my head while making it.

My mental health was in the worst place it'd been in two years. Plus, we were dealing with having to fix our bathroom. And that was just personal stress. That's not counting the absolute burning shithole the world in general is at the moment.

Even so, it came out the size that the pattern listed the final dimensions to be, so could you even imagine how big it would be if I would have finished those last two repeats?

We had planned on taking pictures this last weekend and I was struggling to decide what to wear. ("Struggle" seems to be the name of the game lately...)

And that's when I had yet another bloody awful brilliant idea to wear not just one outfit, but six of them.

Yes, in rainbow order... on a ridiculously hot day where all of my makeup would melt off.

Because if we're going to show off our queer pride, why not go all out?

It probably comes as no surprise that I have enough dresses to wear the whole rainbow.

I'm someone who loves wearing colors across the whole spectrum.

And I know that this is supposed to be about the shawl and the craftalong, but as I'm writing this, I'm realizing just how much my style has changed over the last couple of years.

It's evolved into something that feels right... feels wholly ME.

And it's not just my outward styling, but my whole identity.

I'm finally embracing all the different factions and parts that make up me.

My bisexuality, my polyamory, my knitting, my mental illnesses, my drive to make things, my trauma, my fears, hopes, and dreams...

The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, it all swirls together and has formed me into the person I am today.

And knowing who you are, where you belong in this world, is such a gift.

I've fought so hard to get to this place for myself.

And you know what?

I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud of who I am.

And I know that even though I will stumble and make mistakes, as long as I keep moving forward, I'll be pretty dang proud of who I am in the future, too.

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Erasing : Me : Redrawing : Myself : Finding : I

Another conversation took place last month in the online knitting community, this one on the use of the term "bistitchual" and how it can be considered bi-erasure.

A topic that I, as someone who identifies as bisexual, have a valid opinion on. So when I saw the discussions taking place... I kept silent.

This post isn't about that discussion.

No, this is about me and confronting myself. Forcing myself to actually take the time and unpack the thoughts and feelings I've had swirling in my head for years.

I've never felt like I belonged in the LGBTQIA community. No matter how many memes and pictures and articles and affirmations I share, I have never felt queer enough to belong. 

From the outside, my primary relationship looks like a cisgender, heteronormative one. And most people don't know we're poly. So even though I have a girlfriend, everyone just assumes I'm a straight woman married to a straight man. 

And because I didn't really figure out my sexuality until John and I had been together for a while, I never went through the whole "experimentation phase." I didn't deal with being in the closet my whole childhood and adolescence. I was 19 when my brain suddenly lit up and went, "Girls? Yes, girls. We like them, too."

I actually remember the moment it happened, too. It was December 17th, 2010. John and I were laying in bed together in our second apartment, watching Lar DeSouza, one of our favorite comic artists, work on a new pin-up design. 

It was a female Krampus piece. And something about her made my little heart just start a'beatin and a'flutterin. It was less like a bright light bulb going off and more like a tiny candle being lit. Not an earth shattering revelation, but something that I just accepted. Just an, "Oh, okay. This is who we are now." And at the time, I thought it didn't really matter since I was already in a committed relationship. 

As for family acceptance, it wasn't really a big deal. I think I may have casually mentioned it to my mom and grandparents. None of them had a problem with it. It was more just like, "Oh, okay." 

In regards to the rest of my family, it doesn't really matter. They have no dealings with my day to day life, so it's of no concern to them. I haven't gone out of my way to tell them, but I don't hide it either.

And my in-laws... since they dislike me already, I definitely have no interest in talking to them about my sexual orientation. Unless, of course, I really want to just piss them off. Which I'm not above doing.

Do you really need to ask about my friends? Almost all of them are queer themselves or allies. We're all wrapped up in this giant rainbow flag.

So, I've never really experienced the harassment and hate that so many others have. And though it's completely ridiculous and something I would chide someone else about, because I haven't "suffered" for my orientation, I don't feel like I am allowed to claim it. 

And it is SO HARD to get over that mindset.

I just recently started using the queer knitters hashtag on instagram and even doing that caused me anxiety. My brain started telling me that I was appropriating it. That I was going to be called out and publicly shamed because I wasn't "allowed" to use it. 

But I want to be more visible. I want to openly share my experiences. To let other bisexual people know that they're allowed to exist and be happy and be themselves. 

And to do that, I need to accept that I am queer enough. I am a part of the LGBTQIA community. I am allowed to claim that identity.

So, hi. My name is Ashtan and I am openly, unabashedly, and proudly bisexual. And I am enough.

The Battle Begins

Alright, y'all.

It's that time of year again.

Unending dinners with family members who are closed minded and bigoted at best, and LITERAL FUCKING NAZIS at worst.

Some of us are in the position to be able to fight against them, to call them out, damn the repercussions. To cut them out of our lives entirely with nary a moment of regret.

And some of us, unfortunately, are not.

This is for you in that position. When family members won't use the right pronouns, refuse to acknowledge your partners, tell you that you're "crazy"... all the bullshit we face. And we're just expected to take it because FAAAAAAMMMMMMILY!

Fuck That.

You. Are. Valid.

You. Are. Worth. Everything.

You. Deserve. Happiness.

Respect.

Love.

You will always have a safe place here.

So, if things get bad today, tomorrow, whenever... You are ALWAYS welcome here. Reach out on Instagram, Twitter, wherever and talk to me. I'll be your support, your champion. I'll be the Best Mom Friend you've ever had.

I love you all so much!

Good luck out there. We'll get through this because we've got each other.

"Courage, my dear lion."

Listing to One Side

I have so many things I'm juggling right now that if I were to try and write them in a coherent fashion, I'd be chained to this laptop for a week.

Sooooo......

LIST IT UP, BEFORE I GO GO-back to working on this massive list, like, gaddamn.

1. I hit a hundred posts on here! Well, really this one makes 104. I'm really bad about stuff like this, people. I missed my 8k view mark by over 100 views...

2. We went to Cleveland Pride a few weeks ago and it was an amazing and fun experience (minus the sunburn). I REALLY want to take the time to write a proper post about this, but I honestly probably won't get to it until after Ren Faire (WHICH IS IN TWO WEEKS OH MY GOD SO MUCH TO DO)

For now, just have a couple of pics.

3. I actually managed to finish a project!

It was a small one, but still.

I had won a skein of Plymouth Gina in a contest years ago. I had started the Deep Sea Flower Dice Bag pretty early on in my knitting career, but never finished it.

I had pulled it out of the bottom of the WIP basket and was horrified by just how bad it looked. So, a quick rip later, and I was ready to try again.

Much better this time.

I fiddled with the sizing and pretty much doubled the number of stitches. I wanted to make sure this thing could hold my entire collection plus more. Because, let's be honest, hoarding dice is *almost* as much fun as hoarding yarn.

I fiddled with the color repeats to get the look I wanted.

And used almost the entire skein. I had so little left over that it wasn't even worth keeping.

I love the way it sits open, too.

Sadly, though, my bag is now severely lacking in the dice department. It doesn't have that nice full heft to it.

See?

Such a pitiful amount. John probably wouldn't care if I ordered a set... or five.

4. Mikayla, the absolute darling, gifted me with a wonderfully squishy skein of Malabrigo.

It's just begging to be made into a cowl or something equally as charming and delightful that lays right next to your skin.

5. Mermaid Lair has been started.

I'm through the first three charts and have just started the repeatable lace section.

6. What you don't see is the additional 4 to 5 hours worth of work, with a whole big stinking heap of frustration added in. 

I'm working on this using my tablet for the pattern rather than a physical copy out of sheer laziness and/or wanting to get started and not having access to a printer at like midnight when I started this thing for environmentally friendly reasons.

And this is how it normally looks when I have it zoomed to a comfortable level for me.

Which was fine until I get to Fancy Lace Chart 2.

See this part?

This section caused me to knit the whole damn chart TWICE, with major hair pulling out, crying, and major tinking.

Have you spotted what could have possibly thrown me off?

Yes, those are two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STITCHES!

That bloody little "3" made me want to set fire to the whole damn thing.

Things seem to be smooth sailing from here, aside from the ridiculous amount of beads.

7. Well, they would be smooth sailing if I was actually working on this shawl.

But I'm not.

I'm cheating. I'm cheating hard.

And I'm, once again, putting myself in the predicament of having to get some major things accomplished in a very short amount of time. 

Our Ren Faire date is in less than two weeks. July 22nd, to be exact.

And I have a boatload of costume things to get done. 

I refuse to list them all here because I'm just going to make myself cry.

AND we're finally getting a dumpster to clean out the junkyard that is our garage this week. Which means major hours devoted to cleaning.

So what better to do than add in KNITTING A WHOLE BLOODY SHAWL in this timeframe?

Well, what can I say? I'm a sucker for heaping enormous amounts of pressure on myself.

8. Assuming that I do get this done, and then get Mermaid Lair done in the following six weeks, it will make my last blog post and subsequent freakout null and void.

9. That's really bloody annoying to think about.

10. I may be a little bitter.

11. Damnit.

Travel, Transphobia, and Too Many Colors

I've been wrangling with myself on how exactly to organize this post.

Do we do the usual and go chronologically, which means tackling a heavy topic in the middle of the post? Or do I handle that first? Or do I wait until the end?

I suppose chronological has served me well so far and will do so again.

So, going back two weeks ago, we had a special birthday party to attend. John's grandma was turning 102. I wasn't exactly thrilled about going because the majority of that side of the family... let's just say that stating that they "dislike" me is putting it mildly.

Quick aside, ever wonder why this blog is called "Black Goat Knitting"? Well, John and myself are kind of considered to be black sheep of the family due to our atheism. We've also been accused of being Satanists. Which, according to the highly reliable source of the "Satanic Panic" during the 80's means sacrificing goats or some other such nonsense. Put two and two together and there you have it.

Anyway, off to the party I went, if only to support my husband.

It did give me a chance to give my mother-in-law her birthday present.

Say hello the the Golden Tree Shawl.

Made with Malabrigo Worsted in colorway Butter. The pattern is the Lonely Tree Shawl on Ravelry.

This shawl is quite significant to my knitting skills in two ways. 1.) I finally learned and mastered the damn picot bind off.

And 2.) I knit the pattern exactly as written. No modifications whatsoever. It was scary.

At the party, things were going alright at first. I was being mostly ignored, just as I had hoped. I was giving off a "don't really want to talk to you" vibe and I think they got that. It just so happened that the party was same day as the Pulse tragedy, so we were weary of snide comments being made about "them damn homos and filthy Muslims." (That part of the family is just filled with the kindest people!)

Well, just as bigots are want to do, two of John's aunts started a discussion bashing transgender people and how horrible having to be politically correct is.

I looked at John, he glared right back. We both stood up and went to confront them.

I couldn't tell you exactly what I said. I don't think it was particularly coherent. As much as I'd like to think that I'm good at handling confrontation in person, it's much better for me to be able to write my thoughts out before presenting an argument. No such luxuries in this case! I do remember saying the phrase, "It's not being politically correct! It's being right!"

John spoke much more clearly and did a friggin amazing job. We shut the whole room down. Once we had spoken our piece, we turned and walked away.

We left not too long after that. We both were rather drained, disgusted, and wanting to get back to our home. Our safe place.

I doubt we've heard the end of it, but for now I'm proud that we stood up against these people.

On Wednesday, the lovely Allen came over for a dinner visit. Seriously, I cannot tell you how friggin jealous I am of their style. They were rocking this polkadot dress number that had me three shades of envious.

This past weekend, John and I went to Origins Game Fair. The original plan was to go Friday through Sunday, but the universe laughed at us and said no. We ended up just driving down on Saturday for a day trip. It ended up coinciding with the Columbus Pride Parade.

We decided to watch part of the parade before heading in to the convention. Rather than overload everyone with a bunch of pictures from it, you can check out my (terrible) photos HERE.

We were a little hesitant to attend due to recent events, but I'm so glad we did. Besides a few of the usual religious zealots swearing up and down we'd all burn in hell, the general atmosphere was one of happiness and oneness. There was the understandable sadness and anger as well. We didn't stay for the whole parade, seeing as it lasted for 3 hours. But I was happy to see what we did.

We had a great time at the convention. One of my dear friends was a volunteer, so we hung out with her quite a bit. I blew most of my portion of the fun budget on one thing. No regrets.

We picked up:

- The Sherlock Holmes RPG (that's where my money went) and it included the core rule book, a DM screen, a book of additional scenarios, case log notepads, and two special dice for the game.

- Playmat for Boss Monsters

- 6 new minis including a griffin, a dragon tortoise, a bulette, and a Cthulhu-headed shark

- A mini Om Nom from Cut the Rope

- A new dice set that I created

- A d30

- The commemorative Origins 2016 d6

- The expansion for a game that we went to buy, but was sold out

Not pictured:

- Said game that the maker ordered a copy off of amazon and had shipped to us

- My big ol' Bulbasaur plush

- The D&D tote bag that Kayla snagged for us the next day

We also had the absolute pleasure of meeting Mr. Chris Perkins, principal storywriter for Dungeons and Dragons.

He signed our Player's Handbook and we had an absolutely lovely chat. It wasn't until later that I realized that we forgot to ask for a picture with him. Oh, well.

Saturday was also Worldwide Knit in Public Day. I had packed my sock into my bag, but when I went to pull it out, I discovered to my horror that I managed to break one of my damn needles.

Here's a WIP shot of them, though.

I'm REALLY loving knitting these things. I already have plans for another dozen pairs.

I had John pick out some yarn from Destination Yarn since I promised that he gets the next pair. This is what he chose.

This is the colorway Desert Night. I'm excited to see what it works up like.

Until my new replacement needle comes in (shout out to Mikayla, who is an absolute dear and bought it for me because I was having a down day) I'm itchy to work on something else. Browsing through my favorites on Ravelry, I stumbled upon Foxy Paws.

Now, I haven't done a lot of colorwork, but there's something about this pattern that is just screaming my name. And the best part is I can do it all from stash yarn.

But that's the problem.

And where I need your help.

See, I've got too many awesome colors to use. And I need help picking out what combo to ultimately work with. Below, I'll show you the base colors I've picked and the colors I'm also considering adding. Please leave a comment below with your favorite. Whichever ends up with the most votes will be what I end up using!

Here are the BASE colors:

OPTION ONE:

OPTION TWO:

OPTION THREE:

OPTION FOUR:

So once again please leave a comment below with BASE, ONE, TWO, THREE, or FOUR below. Think you have a better idea? Tell me in the comments!

And do so soon. My hands are itching for some fun.

Orlando

Just fyi, this is more of a brain dump than a well thought out and reasoned post. I apologize for a lack of eloquence on my part. It's hard to write when your heart and head hurt.

I'm sure that all of you are already aware of the tragedy that occurred at the Pulse gay nightclub early this morning in Orlando, Florida. More than 50 people dead and just as many injured. Committed by a man with a vendetta against anyone who considers themselves a member of the LGBT+ community.

Senseless violence.

Wasted lives.

Just because you dare to love someone.

Or be someone different.

Or don't subscribe to antiquated notions of orientation or gender identity.

Or hell, even just allying yourself with these people.

How fucked up is that?

I won't even pretend to know exactly what it's like to be hated, shunned, and potentially harmed over my sexual orientation.

On the surface, I present to the world as a heterosexual person in a long-term, committed relationship with a man.

I didn't really come to terms with my bisexuality until a few years ago. And seeing as I've only ever really had one long term relationship and that is with my husband, I never had to go through bringing home a partner of the same gender.

But I am out as bisexual to most of my family. They have been accepting of it. Going so far as to say that as long as I was happy, that was all that mattered.

Sometimes I wonder if that would have been the case if I would have fallen in love with someone of the same gender instead. But my heart tells me that they would have loved me (and her) all the same.

I am extremely lucky in that regard.

But what if I hadn't been born into such a loving and accepting clan?

It's not too hard to imagine.

I've seen the news articles about the discrimination. The hatred. The violence.

I've heard the stories, told by survivors, some barely understood as they sob and choke on their words.

Others, spoken in a dead voice, with a long stare off into a terrifying memory.

And still others having to have their stories told by others, because their own voices have been forever silenced.

People have been thrown out of their homes.

Disowned by their families.

Lost jobs, lost friends.

Been threatened, been beaten.

Been driven to self-harm and suicide.

Been murdered.

For being themselves.

I could have been one of those people, if born in a different time or place.

By a fucking quirk of being born into the family I have, I have never experienced any of this firsthand.

And that is a sobering thought.

I don't have my usual light-hearted quips to try and help people smile through the pain.

I can only offer this perspective.

I'd like to think that this upswing of bigotry and violence are the death throes of a vile and dangerous ideology.

That maybe, just maybe, our generation can be the one to tell our grandchildren that we fought for and won equality for our LGBT+ brethren.

Then they can laugh at their silly old grandparents who knew people who actually thought that just because you were a different race, orientation, or gender meant something.

It's a very small, very tiny little light of hope.

To those of you who stand, once again, on the wrong side of history.

Love is going to win in the end.

Your outdated and backwards way of thinking is on the out.

You know deep inside that no matter how much hate and violence you spew, no matter how many of us you maim and kill, that You. Will. Not. Win.

We won't back down. We won't be silent. We will stand strong and we will fight.

For each other. For our future.

For equality.

For love.

On the 12th day before Christmas...

That's it. That's all that's between me and the end of my Christmas knitting. That would be:

• One stranded hat
• One plain hat
• One fingerless glove
• A triangle scarf

There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Mind you, this isn't counting any of my other craft stuff to get done, but let me have this little victory.

I am so ready to work on something pretty and lacy. Which is probably a good thing, seeing as I have 6 shawls to finish by the middle of May.

I also have something else in the works that I'm hoping to share with you guys next week. It's going to be fun...

So, anyone who knows me knows that it's next to impossible for me to not give people their gifts early. I try. I really do. But I can't help it.

I decided to secretly make John a hat for Christmas. He didn't think I had time (something that I encouraged him to believe) and figured that I would make him one sometime after Christmas. I got it done super fast and posted about it on facebook under privacy settings so he couldn't see.

It was awesome. I was going to pull one over on him!

Well.... this picture was taken that night.

I can't help it. And he looks damn good in it.

I still have other presents for him, so I guess he's not completely screwed for Christmas.

I also got another Christmas hat done.

There are rainbows everywhere in this area. We had a double rainbow show up the other day and I was actually able to get a decent picture of it!

Also.....

We're back in business. If this one gets torn down, two more will go up. If they get destroyed, four more then. We're willing to paint this whole house in rainbow colors, if that's what it takes.

Nothing like a giant FU to the bigots to really ring in the holiday season.