Rediscovering the Spark

I've been struggling for two months now to find my creativity.

Working on all the Christmas presents just felt like obligations. Stuff I had to do and not necessarily projects I was super excited about.

But I did them, distributed them, and then found myself left with the overwhelming sense of panic of needing to do something. My brain was slow to catch up on the fact that we currently didn't have any obligations shouting in our face. I was free to work on whatever I liked.

So, I cast on Orchid Thief, which I showed a little preview of last post, to try and calm my brain.

I've been burning right through it. I'm almost through the 3rd color of the body with 2 more to go.

But I decided to take a break from it for a couple days to get an idea out of my head.

I found this really cool film at Pat Catan's that looked like copper metal.

It was just begging to be made into a Steampunk style journal.

So, that's what I did.

I combined leather with the film and used a nice, thick kraft paper for the text block.

A burgundy velvet ribbon bookmark, some fanciful gears, and other copper decorations finished it off.

And you better believe this baby is staying with me.

After I finished this one, I figured "eh, got the stuff out already. Might as well make another!"

And that's where this one came from.

I've been wanting to do embroidery on a cover for quite a while, but figured it would be a ginormous pain in the ass.

I was right.

And that's why the back isn't embroidered as well.

But I still love the results.

And yes, I'm keeping this one, too. I bled for it.

I'm especially happy with the bookmark. I used the same twisting technique that I made the ties on Jamie's hat with.

I don't think I'll be making anymore embroidered ones anytime soon, but damnit, if my brain hasn't already come up with a million more designs that would look awesome.

I think it's time to pick Orchid Thief back up, though, and see if my Wooly Demon patron is back from vacation. I might just finish it before the weekend is over. Which means I'll only have a week's worth of time in it.

Ah, welcome back, old me. I've missed you.

Presently Presenting Presents

Everything has been distributed, everyone has been made happy, and I can finally sit and take a breath.

This year's theme seemed to be watercolor paintings. I'm finding that it's becoming my Other Craft now. Which is great, until you realize that everyone in your vicinity doesn't need 13 paintings each. So, must think on what to do with these things.

Anywho, here we are! My 2016 Christmas Creation Extravaganza!

For John, a small painting of Deep Space 9.

For Jamie, a mini cactus and a Bulbasaur with a cactus on its back.

For Emmy, a landscape of just outside Solitude from Skyrim.

A small seascape for my aunt and uncle.

One for my mom, as well.

A portrait of my grandparents' house for my grandpa. I'll have to talk about the story involving this painting later. Let's just say that it was a disaster.

And a sweater for my grandma, which I don't actually have finished pictures of yet. So, here's one of it being blocked.

All in all, a significantly less stressful time of it compared to last year.

And now I feel recharged and ready for a change. I think this is the time to branch out with my knitting skills. Try new things! Explore new techniques!

Just kidding.

Totes already cast on a new shawl.

I am nothing if not predictable.

The happiest of holiday seasons to you all, my friends.

Hang In There

Hello?

Anyone still reading this thing?

*coughs from all the dust gathered around here*

I promise I haven't abandoned you! It's just that literally EVERYTHING I've been working on has been Christmas related.

But that changes tomorrow! Everyones gifts will be distributed and I'll FINALLY be able to post all about them!

I'll make up for lost time with the sheer number of things that I crafted this year.

So, hang in there with me, folks. I promise this will be a *knitting* blog again soon. I've got some grand ambitions for this coming year.

Until then, have this picture of our new birb baby, Cas.

+3 Armor of Color

So, the Christmas season is here.

Which means that I have to attend family events with Certain Individuals.

These Individuals tend to make my life a living hell whenever I am around them. They trigger my anxiety, make me feel unsure about myself, and can sometimes send me into a downwards spiral that can last for a few days.

It's uncomfortable to say the least. And when I was younger, I had no protection against this. I would go into these events with my heart all over my sleeves, completely vulnerable and open for the comments and remarks. Passive aggressive at best, downright cruel at the worst.

Now, as the jaded, bitter person that I am, I'm fighting back.

Okay, I'm not exactly jaded and bitter. But I am fighting back in my own fashion.

With fashion.

You know the saying, "clothes make the person?" Well, it's true.

For me, what I put on is like slipping on another persona entirely.

Do I need to appear quiet and meek for an event where I don't want to talk to a lot of people? I'll dress in lighter, muted colors with long, flowing lines.

A free spirited, Bohemian artisan for a creative gathering? Earth tones, plenty of jewelry, and fun, bright makeup.

Elegant and poised for a more formal affair? Dark neutrals, old Hollywood makeup, and pearls.

How about needing to give myself some confidence? Dark colors paired with a single bright pop of an accent color, wild makeup, and shoes that say "I can kick your ass in these."

And when it comes to dealing with Certain Individuals, well let's just say I'm a vindictive sort of person. I gleeful design and execute an outfit that I know will annoy them.

They're constantly cold? Short sleeves and above the knee skirts, even in winter.

They hate the "alternative" looks? You better believe I'm looking bold and out there.

They're conservative and anti-science? Hello, "Made of Stardust" t-shirt and FSM pendant.

Doing this sounds petty, but the confidence it gives me is like putting on personality armor. When they start giving me shit about anything and everything, I just think of the fact that everything about my appearance is aggravating them and plaster a giant grin on my face.

I become untouchable.

And for a certain holiday party this year, I'm going to don my +3 Armor of Color to horrify one Person in particular.

I won't give it all away yet, but I *did* come up with my makeup look for it. I used pretty much the full palette in Urban Decay's Electric.

And Ho Ho Holy Shit, it's bright. Especially for someone like me who, as Jamie says, wears nothing but "dirt, moss, and night sky."

Add in the fact that I just re-dyed my hair red-violet again, and you got the beginnings of a look certain to displease the Traditional Assholes at your family gatherings! 

So, let's bring on the Christmas spite *spirit.*

We'll drink, pretend to be merry, and Certain Individuals can kiss my arse right under the mistletoe.

Because this year, I'm saving myself from tears and recognizing that I'm someone special.

Thanks Be

I don't currently have the brain capacity to write out a well-thought out and witty post. Have yourself a merry little list-mas.

1. I made two entire Thanksgiving dinners two days in a row. Stress nearly ended me and my marriage. But my turkey came out perfect, the ham was delicious, and everyone stuffed themselves silly. The problem is that now I have to cook for *every* holiday.

2. I had a glorious Friday night, though, with John, Vi, and Jamie (via skype). We laughed until we cried. My stomach actually hurt and I thought I was going to toss cookies. But I can't even begin to describe how much I needed it.

3. Saturday and Sunday were supposed to be my relaxing days. Well, Saturday was spent pretty much in the bathroom. Because my body finally broke from all the stress of the past month.

4. Today, however, I felt much better and actually had a productive day. We started cleaning and organizing the downstairs to prepare for the onslaught of Christmas decorations that I am about to unleash upon this place. We also decided to pack away all the useless fancy dinnerware in our built-ins in favor of turning it into a boardgame/D&D display cabinet. The house is starting to show signs of a bunch of nerds living here.

5. Speaking of Christmas, I'm doing an entirely new theme this year that I won't be unveiling until closer to Christmas. Which means even more projects that I can't share here, yet.

6. My stress levels will not be dropping anytime soon. I'm starting this next week by having to get up at 5:15am to take my grandma to her doctor appointment. And she's got two therapy appointments. And there's a pj party that I may or may not attend Friday. And dinner with my mom on Saturday. Plus, having to go buy supplies for the house at some point.

7. It's really hard to not just jump on a bus and head straight back to Athens until after Christmas.

8. I'll leave you with my little Instagram thankfulness post.

Decided to jump on the #thankfulness train. I'm thankful for the two people who love me the most in the world. I'm thankful for all of my friends, and would require many, many more posts to get them all. I'm thankful for my sisters who have always been there through thick and thin, though more often than not, I'm the one supporting them. :P I'm thankful for the family I have that love and try to understand me. I'm thankful for all of my kids, feathered and furred. And I'm thankful for this creative ability in me that seems to manifest itself into wonderful things in a wide variety of mediums. #thankful #poly #love #family #knit #knitting #knittersofinstagram #knitter #bookbinding #crafter

A photo posted by Ashtan Albright (@ageeksgirl08) on Nov 27, 2016 at 9:05am PST

Balance

Up to Canton.

Down to Bolivar.

Back to Canton. Two days in a row.

Over to Carrollton.

Down to the school for a whole day to help grandma out.

A small breath on Saturday.

More work with grandma.

A funeral.

A minor procedure for mom.

And then one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life.

I took the first solo trip of my life to Athens, three hours away from home.

The first time I've been this far away for this long. The longest I've been away from John since fall of 2009.

I took a bus for the first time for something other than a school trip.

I left on a day that John was working, so he couldn't see me off. I had to deal with the panic alone that morning.

I almost called off the trip a dozen times. Especially when I spent two nights in a row throwing up.

But I didn't.

I pushed through it because I knew that waiting for me on the other side of that trip was someone I loved very much and hadn't seen in a month. Someone who understands my panic and hesitation and knew that it wasn't about them.

I got on that bus. And three hours later when we pulled up to the station, I was so happy and proud.

I've had an absolutely lovely time. I finally got to meet Kate. We all went to see Fantastic Beasts together the Thursday that I got here. (Sidenote, go see it. Right now. It's absolutely everything you could hope for.)

Friday was spent wandering around Athens and Pokemon hunting. We ate lunch at Union Street Diner, where my burger viciously attacked me, but damnit, it was delicious.

It ended up being an absolutely beautiful day.

OU has an absolutely gorgeous campus and I really enjoyed walking around it.

I was a little sad when Jamie wouldn't let me catch a real life pokemon, though. It was the one called a... squirrel, I think? It looked like it was from one of the newer generations.

We also got to take over a gym in PoGo. And filled it appropriately.

 

Yes, we're both Team Instinct. Why do you ask? 

We met up with Kate again and got ice cream from a place called Whit's. It was quite delicious. Afterwards, Kate and I ditched Jamie for a few minutes so we could actually spend some time getting to know one another better. 

That's Kate's cat, Kat. She's a talker, man.

The temperature dropped a whopping 40 degrees between Friday and Saturday, which was utterly delightful to me, but absolutely horrifying for Jamie. So, we lazed about until we both were hungry enough to go in search of food. We ended up at Bagel Street Deli, which has been my favorite place so far. 

Turkey on an asiago bagel with cream cheese, avocado, and sprouts. Isn't it just beautiful?

I had been craving coffee all day, so we went to Donkey Coffee. The mocha was okay, but I am going to be a loyalist snob and say that Mugswiggz is better.

We hung out there for a bit and popped a lure at the Pokestop. It was nice to just sit and enjoy one another's company.

When we left, my heart nearly exploded with joy. It was snowing. My wonderful, lovely, beautiful snow. Yes, I giggled and just watched it. Yes, I cried a bit. And Jamie looked at me like I had grown three heads. But it was absolutely wonderful.

We headed back to Jamie's place before they froze to death. The rest of the day was spent playing video games. Jamie talked me into downloading an emulator for my laptop so I could play some of the older Pokemon games. Currently working my way through Leaf Green, which is pretty damn fun.

And that brings us to today.

The original plan was for me to go home tomorrow. But I'm going home early.

In fact, John's driving all the way down here to pick me up. Because I don't think I can handle another bus trip.

As much fun as I had, I also struggled. It's easy to gloss over the bad parts and just pretend everything was sunshine and roses.

But it wasn't. I had panic attacks. I had moments where I felt like the whole world was going to fall out from under me. I was tired. I was bitchy. I wanted to just come right back home the first night.

I missed out on a chance to meet someone who was in Akron just for this weekend.

But through Jamie and John's reassurance, and my own damn stubbornness, I made it this far. And I'm really, really proud of myself.

It's easy for me to feel right now that I failed. That because I'm giving up and going home early, I somehow managed to ruin an entire trip.

But that's not true at all. I did make it down here. I did stay for 4 whole days. I managed to make it though and actually have fun. I got to stay with someone I absolutely adore. I took my first tiny step towards being more independent and self-reliant.

I am so happy to be heading home. But I'm so sad to be leaving here.

Positives and negatives.

Joy and anxiety.

Confidence and self-doubt.

Everything is just a balancing act in the end.

Cact-i Don't Know What Happened

This post is going to be absolutely punishing.

Seriously, you'll be on pins and needles.

Though I should forewarn you that you'll knit find anything wool related in this post.

Okay, I'm done being a prick and I'll get to the point.

Cactuses.

Or Cacti.

Whatever you prefer.

I suddenly seem to have developed a fondness for them.

It's starting to border on obsession.

Let me explain.

Last Thursday, I was having a terrible morning filled with anxiety. My hands were aching for something to do to try and get my mind off of things. I didn't think knitting would be a good idea since the only things I had to work on at the moment require full concentration and a relaxed hand.

So I looked around for something, anything else. I mean, I have dabbled in a multitude of crafts. There had to be one that would work for me at the moment. I ended up deciding on watercolor painting. I mean, if my hands wouldn't stop shaking, I could just call the resulting mess "abstract art."

The problem was what the hell should I even try and make?

I attempted to make a recreation of a night sky and that... well, saying it didn't work is probably the kindest thing.

So, I sat there, wracking my brain trying to come up with something.

Apparently, "cactus" was the answer I had been looking for.

For my first attempt, I made this.

It was really just a practice piece, seeing as I haven't worked much with watercolors before. But it was a lot of fun. So much so that I really wanted to keep making more. But what the heck was I going to do with a bunch of cactus watercolors on full size pieces of paper?

So, I pulled out my Artist Trading Cards and went to town. (For those of you who don't know, ATC are 2.5x3.5 inches.)

This was the first one I did. Yes, that is an inexplainable, ridiculous amount of pretty, dangly nonsense hanging around it.

I decided to do a set of three total, then, all with different metallics.

The silver one. 

And, my favorite, is my copper one. Copper is my favorite metal, so I *may* have put a little more effort in this one.

I also did a set of three succulents. Mixed metals this time.

And, damnit, I just want to keep making more! 

The problem is, where I am I going to hang up all of these now?!

Uhhh.... 

Anyone want a cactus? Help me feed my addiction?