The Little Things

You know how sometimes you get these little ideas that pop up in your head? Just a small, wee thing that you think would be lovely to have.

Like maybe you have some worsted weight yarn just lying about the stash that you think would make a nice shawl... and you think "hmmmmm... maybe if I pick a fingering weight pattern, I'll have a nice cozy shawl that I can wrap up in. It won't be THAT big."

Famous last words, Ashtan.

Some of you may recall when I did my shawl-a-month project back in 2017, I kicked things off with Orchid Thief. And you would have thought I learned my lesson after that turned into a yarn eating monster.

 That was for the first go.

This time?

Yep.

Had five balls in the stash, four were usable, and I had to go out and buy four more. I had to tap in to the 8th ball just for the bind-off, which took THIRTEEN FRIGGIN GRAMS of yarn alone.

And yes, it's a monster. The central spine was 54 inches long while it was blocking.

For context, I'm only 63 inches tall.

Yeah... this thing is a bloody cape.

But you want to know something amazing?

This only cost me $23 in yarn.

The original four balls I got for $2 a piece when Pat Catan's was going out of business.

The other four were $15 total from Michaels because of coupons.

This is just Patons Classic Worsted Wool. Nothing super fancy. But it still looks AMAZING.

I've been thinking of doing a few other shawls with more affordable and accessible yarn options just to show y'all that you don't have to put a bunch of money into a project to make it look good.

And don't give me any crap about how you can't do lace.

You CAN do lace. You just need some confidence and concentration.

As for me, I'm going to curl up in this thing and start my next project.

I'm thinking a nice lace weight, beaded project.

Y'know, just a simple, palette cleanser project.
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Fourteen Gat Dang Years

Guess what, y'all?

Robyn and I (Did I mention the name change yet? If not, HEY, THEY'RE GOING BY ROBYN NOW, OKAY???) have been together for 14 years now.

Rather than sit here and gush about them (that's soooo 3 years ago) how about I share our vows we wrote for the vow renewal? Then I'll end with some cute pics of us and y'all can leave nice comments about us below. Sound like a plan?

Mine:

My love, I promise to accept you as you are now and as who you shall become. I put my full trust in you and the commitments we’ve made to each other. I will continue to stand by your side as I have for all these years. I promise to be someone you can lean on, who will offer what comfort and love I can.
I give you not only a piece of my heart, but my joy and laughter as well. I promise to do everything in my power to make you laugh and smile as often as I can, so long as you’re willing to forgive the occasional accidental eye poke from a failed attempt to do so.
I also promise to always give you advantage on your charisma checks because, let's be honest, I'm the talkative extrovert to your reserved introvert.
I will always be the Batman to your Robin, the Luigi to your Mario, the Captain to your Number One.
I promise this all from now until whatever end takes us. I love you.

Theirs:

Eight years ago we promised to always love and support each other, no matter what hardships life threw at us. And we have. But in that time we've also helped each other grow and change so much for the better. And we've come so far. I've watched as you tried your hand at so many creative hobbies and discovered your passions. You learned how to heal from the past and found your unique voice in the world. And together we learned how to love better. So now, today, I promise to always stand by you as we continue to grow. I promise I'll still laugh with you at every corny joke and I'll still hold you when life feels too overwhelming. And I promise I'll always be with you as we continue this adventure together, because I can't wait to see where it takes us.

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Wild and Wooly

Welp, we're most of the way through February and I still don't have a shawl done.

Just like when I knit it before, Orchid Thief is taking a wee bit longer than I anticipated. I'm SO CLOSE to finishing it, but it's gotten so heavy that I have to often take breaks to rest my poor hands.

So in the meantime, why don't I show you some yarn porn instead?

Last weekend, we went to Wild and Wooly in Cleveland. It's a fast and furious one day show with around 30 vendors.

I'd seen that Bewitched Pigments was going to be there and I really wanted a chance to show off my vow renewal shawl to them in person. Which in hindsight, may have been a bit of a mistake. I couldn't walk more than 5 feet without someone wanting to talk to me about it. My throat was killing me from talking for like 2 and a half hours straight.

But I DID get to hand out my new business cards, so that was exciting!

And there was also all the yarn I bought. That was pretty okay, as well.

First off was a skein of sparkly fingering weight from Icemelon's Stash. Observant viewers may notice that I bought this exact same yarn at Great Lakes Fiber Show last year. I thought one would be enough, but I should have known better. So into the shawl stash this goes.

These I fell in love with immediately as soon as I spotted them. And then I saw that the colorway name was Ida McKinley and all hope of restraint was lost.

For those who don't know, Ida McKinley was the wife of President William McKinley and was born very close to my hometown. My grandparents took me and my sisters to the McKinley Library and Museum every summer. These visits helped to form my deep and abiding love of history.

Ida was a prestigious crocheter herself, making an estimated 4,000 pairs of slippers in her lifetime. They actually have a pair of them, along with a project bag and crochet hook, in the collection at the museum. You can see the slippers here.

It seemed that this show, soft ivory with muted colors were the name of the game for me.

I found this AMAZING handspun silk and alpaca blend from Four Square MicroFarm. It feels amaaaaazing.

And you want to know something EVEN COOLER?!

You can watch the batt that this was spun from being made RIGHT HERE!

I only have a wee bit of this and I want to use it for something special, but I'm not quite sure what yet.

My last yarn purchase was from Bewitched Pigments again. Vi actually spotted this colorway and when she showed me that the name was Swamp Witch, I said to hell with the budget and bought it.

I'll probably end up buying a second one sometime because, holy hell, I want to just bury my face in this.

I also picked up an OLIVE FRIGGIN GREEN pompom from their booth. And Vi bought me the rainbow one!

So that was Wild and Wooly, but I'm not done yet.

Oh no, my friends. I have BONUS YARN CONTENT!

The most wonderful and amazing Morgan of Knitcraft & Knittery has released a new yarn base and you know I HAD to get in on that action.

It's a Targhee/Columbia blend and it's WONDERFUL.

I'm actually thinking that it needs to be a hat and that olive green pompom needs to go right on top.

For now, though, it's back to this giant monster.

Maybe I'll be done by the weekend... which is what I've been saying for the last 3 weeks.

*sigh*

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In Sheep's Clothing

Do you ever have those moments where you look at your work, those thousands of hours dedicated to your craft, and find yourself absolutely disgusted?

Why are you bothering?

Why do you try so hard?

You aren't shit.

I'm dealing with this hard right now.

I'm looking at my lace work and questioning why I knit.

I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves with other people. We should be proud of what we as individuals can accomplish. But I follow so many accounts on social media just absolutely filled with folks seemingly churning out colorwork sweaters, socks, and other garments at a frightening pace.

It seems every week these folks have new projects falling off the needles.

And I'm sitting back here, hoping to finish one project in less than 2 months.

How do you push yourself through this?

I'm trying hard to be realistic. Most of these people are half my size, which means half the work to do. So even if I could knit as fast as they do, I still couldn't do the work in the same amount of time.

I also can't financially afford to knit sweaters often. It's the same principle as the time cost. Bigger person = more yarn needed. A shawl is much less of a material cost (most of them at least).

Glancing through the worsted weight sweaters in my ravelry favorites, none of them use less than 1500 yards for someone with my bust size.

So let's do some fun math and assume 1 skein of indie dyed worsted yarn retails for $25 and has at least 200 yards. I need 8 skeins, which means that knitting that sweater is going to cost me $200 in materials straight off the bat.

How about something more affordable like Knit Picks' WotA? It retails for $3 a ball, but only has 110 yards per ball. I need 14 balls. That's $42. A wee bit better, true, but now my color selection is limited, plus I don't get to support the people I really want to.

So it's better for me to just support indie dyers and showcase the smaller quantity of yarn used in projects like my shawls, right?

But am I growing stagnant by focusing on just lacework and shawls specifically? Shouldn't I challenge myself and always push myself to do bigger and better things?

I like the look of color work, but I HATE doing it. Absolutely loathe it. It slows me down considerably, I get frustrated when my yarn gets tangled, and I'm always so anxious that my floats are too tight.

Lacework, though... lacework I can do in my sleep.

It's fierce joy and revelation watching the pattern emerge from just a series of seemingly random holes and decreases.

And I think I'm decently good at lacework.

But I'm playing it safe, aren't I? I've pushed myself into a box that I'm unwilling to come out of.

I feel like an imposter. Like a little kid who finds themselves at the table with much more capable adults. Getting little pats on the head and a, "Good job, sweetie! You'll make real projects when you grow up!"

And I don't know what to do about these feelings.

I know this is all on me (and my ridiculous brain) because my friends are nothing but supportive and lovely.

But I just can't shake it.

I don't have any solutions, no hopeful observations.

I guess I just sit quietly with it and keep knitting.

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Fancy That

Okay, seriously... I'm bloody done with this weather.

It's not snowy.

It's just grey.

No sun. No blue sky.

Nothing but bleakness as far as you can see.

And it is really hard to find the motivation to go take pictures of a shawl when you know everything is going to end up looking just as dull.

So I finally just threw in the towel, tossed Fancy up against the house, and snapped a few quick pics.

And that's what you'll just have to live with. I'm tired of trying to wait out the weather.

*Technically* this is the Nancy pattern from Boo Knits, but for a whole host of reasons, there was no bloody way I was calling this shawl that name.

So, it became Fancy.

Which is a bit of a laugh because fancy this shawl is not.

It's rather understated.

A plain body, simple lace, minimal beading.

Plus it's a DK weight (TIG Springvale DK in Heartbreak Hotel) rather than my usual fingering weight shawls, which means it's a little heavier.

I used plain silver beads because I didn't want anything super shiny.

In the end, I came out with a serviceable piece that can easily be used as shawl or scarf.

And if I'm honest, I'm glad I decided to give it to my spouse since that means I can occasionally wear it, too.

As for my next project, I may have something rather familiar on my needles.

But you'll just have to wait to see that one.
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Threadbare

I'm tired, y'all.

Exhausted.

Worn out and worn thin.

And I owe all of you an apology.

When I started writing this blog, my only intention was to share my knitting.

Over the years, though, it became not only that, but an extension of my soul. Of all my thoughts and feelings, as well as my crafting accomplishments. A way for me to connect and share with all of you.

But these last 6 months or so (maybe longer) I haven't been honest with you. I've just been plastering on a smile and repeating the mantra that I've forced myself into for so long.

"It's fine... everything is fine."

It was easier.

It was so much easier to just listen to that little voice in the back of my head...

"Just share the good things here! No one actually cares about how bad things have deteriorated inside your head. They're only here to see your ridiculous projects and if you don't have anything good to share, what use are you?"

My goal became to just shove everything down in and survive. I didn't have the energy to focus on myself because I was also trying to help my spouse through their own deteriorating mental health.

Yeah, that's been great, let me tell you, having to somehow learn how to help each other get through the times that our bad days overlap.

We're probably both better off dealing with this than some other people might be because we've been navigating my mental illnesses for 14 years together, but it hasn't been easy. My instinct is to only focus on them, damn everything else.

I almost lost other relationships because of this. I missed the signs of someone close's depression worsening. And while I am already working on fixing these problems, I'm still angry with myself for letting it happen in the first place.

And with me shoving everything down as far as I could and focusing on anything but myself, I ended up having two very bad (for me) suicidal episodes at different points this year. Not to mention a return of the days of all day anxiety. Being terrified to go to bed. Depression days so bad I could hardly breathe.

I thought I'd finally improved enough to not have to deal with these anymore. Or at least not as much as I have in the past. Finding out that's not the case has been soul-crushing.

I just feel so utterly lost right now. I've barely been knitting. Everything I've cast on has been thrown to the side soon after with disgust because NOTHING feels good in my hands. Or I would make a mistake that previously probably wouldn't have bothered me, but now I just can't live with it.

I even tried crocheting again, hoping to bring back the spark of passion with wool. I couldn't even get past the first 4 rows without frogging it.

I had planned on having some new craft goal for 2020, but I don't think I can. I don't even know what my creative abilities are going to look like at the end of the next 12 months.

At this point, I'm just taking things day to day to see what I feel like doing. A lot of that time has been drowning myself in books. I'm on my 14th book since January 1st already. I can lose myself in my stories and try to live through another day.

And while it's been nice to do so, I miss *making*.  I miss the feelings of accomplishing things. I need a goal again. Something to work towards. But I don't know what. I hope Henry comes back to me soon and grants me his favor again.

Until then, I guess I just keep cautiously moving forward in the fog.

As for the blog, I still have a few things in reserve to talk about, including the shawl I finished at the end of last year. So I'll do my best to get those out soon.

But after? I only ask for your patience as I try to find myself again. But this time, I promise I'll be honest about how I'm feeling. I owe it to you.. and to myself.

So, onwards we go, friends.

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The Point of Pointless

In the frantic haze leading up to the vow renewal, I was dealing with near-constant sheer panic and decided that the only thing to do was stress cast-on a new shawl.

And no, I'm not talking about the one from this post.

I mean I went stash diving, found a completely different pattern, and had at it.

I really wanted to have it done by the end of the year, just as a last hurrah.

So I did it.

Finished it yesterday, in fact.

And as I was blocking it out, I stood back and felt... confused.

And vaguely disappointed.

I didn't understand this shawl.

Not how it came together. That was easy.

But what was the point of this shawl?

I didn't have an event to wear it to.

I didn't have an outfit in mind for it.

It wasn't a pattern that I had been dying to try or yarn that I was itching to play with.

Sure, I had an arbitrary deadline, but it wasn't something I was super committed to.

It was, for me, a pointless exercise compared to my usual methods of creation.

I just needed something to make, so I made.

Sitting down to write this all out, it occurs to me that maybe pointlessness was the point.

For once, it was the act of creation, not the finished object, that I needed.

So what am I going to do with it now? Well, I happily let it go into the arms of my spouse, who fell in love with it as I was knitting it. They didn't know I was giving it to them and the smile they had when I handed it over made my heart melt.

And you know what? That was a pretty good way to end the year.
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