Battle with the Brain

Currently on the needles:

- Leydon Mitts (pictured below)
- Dragonscale Shawl

A second post in the same week?! Unthinkable! But I feel the need to talk a bit about my brain.

My brain is a very strange creature. It seems to be made up of two parts: my logical, Spock-like part and the angry, rabid beaver that Spock is trying desperately to gain control of. I'll let that mental image sink in for a moment...

Spock tells me when Beaverly is acting up. Even in the middle of a severe panic attack, Spock is telling me over and over again that what Beaverly is doing is not logical. It's running rampant and it's hurting me. Eventually, when Beaverly has wore itself out, Spock can take back over, though the hurt and anger that Beaverly felt is still there like an echo.

Sometimes, Beaverly and Spock can take pleasant walks together, with only slight occasions of rabid episodes. This is what I would call an average day for us.

Why exactly have I anthropomorphized my brain? Well, it seems to actually be helping me to live with and tame my depression and anxiety.

For example, the other night, I was convinced that my neighbors (yes, those wonderfully kind ones I've talked about before) hated me. I mean, they were always telling me that I was creative and talented. That must mean they were just trying to placate me until they could figure out a polite way to tell me to shove off, right? Beaverly had broken its chain and was going on a rampage.

Rather than keeping my feelings to myself, I messaged Renee and told her what my brain was telling me. I did not say that it's what I, as a whole person, was thinking. This problem was all Beaverly's fault. And therein lies the difference.

I'm starting to see that I am not the broken, useless, ugly human being that I thought I was. My brain is the one with the problems. It doesn't work like a normal brain should. It has been hurt and abused so much in the past that it sees compliments and genuine love as a threat to itself.
"How long will that love last until the person hurts us?"
"Do you really have talent or are they just going to turn around and make fun of you right behind your back?"
"You're not good enough to love, let alone actually like. Why would they actually ever want to be your friend?"

Beaverly has been in control far too long in my life and Spock seems to have been kept in cryogenic storage. I didn't know how to deal with the overwhelming beaver brain and actually take control of me. I would let the anxiety and depression take over completely. I felt like I was drowning with no hope of saving myself. I didn't feel like there was a way to reign it in. But that seems to be changing.

Now when my anxiety and depression flare up, I'm going to do my best to listen to Spock. I know that it won't be easy. And I know that Beaverly will always be there, causing chaos. And there will be times that I fail and I'll be hurting for a while.

I also need to learn to listen when Spock tells me that I'm at my limit. I need to learn to tell people when I'm uncomfortable and need to be out of the conversation or situation and not worry about them reacting badly. Yes, I will disappoint some people by not going to particular events and doing certain activities. But you know what? I focus so much on taking care of other people, I haven't left much for myself. And that's taken a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. That needs to change. And it's probably what I'll struggle with the most.

I am a person who has anxiety and depression. I'm not a depressed and anxious person. I don't have to let my brain chemistry define me. I am a complex human being made up of many different thoughts, skills, and ideas.

I'm a person who has a family I was born into and has a growing family that I've chosen and I love and adore both.

I am also a crafty, creative person. I love to make things. I also love learning new crafts. I have this great curiosity of learning about and trying new crafts all the time. It's another skill to put into my arsenal. And it's fun to take all those different crafts and combine them in all sorts of different ways.

I'm also a secular humanist and atheist. I care a great deal about humanity and try to help out with no need for divine rewards. I believe every person has value and something to contribute.

I'm a sister, a mother, a lover, a daughter, a friend,  a granddaughter, a teacher, a student, and an activist. I am startdust, and molecules, and atoms, and elements.

But most importantly of all, I am me.

And I matter. I am worth something. And it's about time I start to learn that.