Bad Day

It's a bad day.

Nothing is particularly going wrong.

It's just a bad day.

I knew it from the moment I woke up and felt that familiar ache in my body. The heaviness in my limbs. The numbing, yet all-consuming, sadness. The fog that has dimmed my brain to barely functioning.

I can't think clearly. I can barely move. But I still have to shove myself forward. I had to go get groceries today. I needed stuff for dinner. Can't let Al go hungry.

So I got myself through a shower. I made myself put clothes on, even though every move makes my body hurt more.

Yeah, that's something that doesn't get mentioned a lot, does it? The physical pain that goes along with depression. The throbbing, aching pain that has no cause other than your stupid brain telling you that it hurts. If you put the wrong article of clothing on, your skin hurts. Anything other than the softest material and you want to scream in agony. Everything is too tight. It hurts to breathe.

Grandma had to sit outside and wait for me. Because I was paralyzed by indecision over what clothing I could put on that would allow me to be a semi-functional human being. I got in the car and drove us to the store. It gave me something to focus on, the driving. I could push back the monster for a little bit.

Trying to navigate around the store, however, was a nightmare. I had a list of things that I needed, figuring I could just focus on that and get through it. But in the way that grandparents can be, we ended up walking around the whole store, grandma asking if I needed this and that. And before I knew it, it was a whole cart of groceries. Trying to make decisions about what I should buy, what we really needed, trying to think of future meals, even though the thought of food was making me nauseous. It was overwhelming and kicking my anxiety into overdrive.

I was also trying to text John and Jamie through all this, which made the overall situation worse. I was trying to keep myself from collapsing into a screaming, crying heap in the middle of the store. Instead of relief and distraction, I ended up getting upset and frustrated because I wasn't able to articulate what I needed from them. And it felt like they were just giving me empty platitudes in return. So I shut down on them, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't explain myself. And I didn't want to fuck up my relationships further than they seem to be.

We made it back to the car and I loaded up the groceries. My guilt had skyrocketed because grandma slipped me money to help pay for everything. I felt like a failure. I'm nearly 30. I should be able to take care of myself and my family. But I can't. And what's going to happen when they're gone?

Grandma needed to use the bathroom and I needed something to eat. I didn't think I'd be able to make food for myself as soon as I got home, but I knew that I had to eat something. So we stopped at Wendy's. I just brought it home because I couldn't handle being outside the house any longer. My entire body was fraught with tension. My mind started vividly playing scenarios in which my grandparents were gone. It took everything in my to not just break down crying on the drive back.

I brought everything in and thanked grandma in what I'm sure sounded like an ungrateful voice. But I was physically incapable of putting mch expression into anything.

I've been home for over an hour. I'm still wearing my soaking wet clothes. The weather decided to reflect my mood today and has just been pouring down rain. And I can't seem to find the energy to bother to take them off. What's the point?

I choked down my food. And for the first time in quite a while, felt like wanting to make myself throw it all back up. Because my anxiety never stops and when it teams up with my depression, anything that I try to eat makes me feel sick.

I'm writing this to try and get past the revulsion. I'm trying to tell myself that it will be okay. That I can handle the ginormous load of dishes that I'll have to fight through to make dinner. That I can actually make dinner without vomiting. That I can help Alex with her homework. That I can get through a gaming date with Jamie without getting so frustrated and overwhelmed that I quit. Because John won't be home tonight. It's game night at work. And at least Jamie is a comforting voice.

I'm alone. I have to get through this alone. I need someone to just lay here and hold me and let me just get the sadness out. But I can't have that right now. So I have to fight for myself. And that seems like an insurmountable mountain right now.

There's no happy ending to this post. No witty little quip to shine a little light of hope. I know I'll get through this and eventually, my mood will stabilize. But this will come back again and again. Even with all the therapy or meds in the world, there is no cure for mental illness. There is only management. You don't get to say you beat it, or won against it. You can only survive.

It's a bad day.

Sunday Scramblin'

List posts are such a great way to add content to your blog! No need for a set topic to tie the whole thing together! In my opinion they are superio-

Yeah, okay, fuck it. I'm feeling lazy.

List posts = the McDonald's of the blogger arsenal.

It's a good thing I like me a Big Mac.

1. I've decided that small paintings are great and all, but I really need to torture myself by doing a mandala on a sheet of 18 x 24 inch watercolor paper.

2. I also did me a quick little piece to satisfy the mandal urges when the big ol' one up there proved to be more than I felt like tackling at the moment.

It's on these nifty little scroll things I found on clearance at World Market.

3. My tattoo is healing really well. I've had no problems with it being itchy at all. I never have with any of my three.

4. I'm scared that the fact above will make my tattooed friends want to rage at me for not having to endure what I hear is one of the worst parts about the tattoo healing process.

5. These are apparently the new rugs that I got for the hall right outside of the bathroom. They don't seem to appreciate me trying to dry my feet off on them after stepping out of the shower.

6. I found a REALLY HECKIN COOL travel watercolor set.

I snagged it for a mere $16 once I used my 60% off coupon. (All about them deals, yo.)

7. I HAD to do a side-by-side comparison of these paints (dry blocks) and my typical ones (tubed).

Old on the left, new on the right.

8. We built a cardboard playground for the cats. 

Yes, they had as much fun as you would think. Also, it's really fun to watch your dog try to jump through boxes to get the toy that you mercilessly threw in one. 

9. Alex rolled herself into a burrito on the couch and looked so cozy that I had to try it myself. Mine was superior because it contained a cat.

10. This round of Tsuro of the Seas got super interesting. It ended with a dragon crashing on John's head.

11. This conversation happened with Jamie. Atheists eat babies: confirmed. 

12. Knitting? What's that? Gryffindor bag? I don't know what you're talking about. *hurriedly shoves half-finished project under something*

Okay, okay. I haven't worked on any knitting since early last week. Which is bloody great when you run a damn knitting blog.

I do plan on picking it up again here soon, but hate colorwork so fucking much and can barely bring myself to look at the damn thing have been busy with other things. 

13. I was feeling pretty damn hot over the weekend. I mean, I managed to look like this whilst only functioning on 4 hours of sleep.

Saturday looked just as good.

14. Lest you think that I am feeling a little too full of myself, I was firmly reminded tonight of my actual place in the world.

Block Party

I have often been accused of witchcraft when it comes to my knitting.

I get it.

To outsiders, it looks like I'm just waving sticks about with some string attached, all the while muttering to myself. After completing this ritual, I magically have a beautiful item in my possession.

I hate to break it to you, but that's not magic.

But you want to know what is?

Blocking.

Yep. Add some water and pins to your lace knitting and BOOM! You've completely transformed the piece better than McGonagall ever could. (Ha. Harry Potter reference. *high fives self*)

Don't believe me?

Okay, well, I'll just have to show you.

I recently completed my Grey Skies shawl, which uses the Easy as Pie pattern as its base. Which happens to be my *favorite* pattern for showing just how drastic blocking can be.

Here she is, looking completely like a pile of garbage.

As you can see, the lace is all scrunched up. You can't really see the pattern at all.

This is after a good washing and a soak.

It's definitely looking more promising. The fiber has relaxed and opened up a bit. But to truly transform it, we have to get a little aggressive.

Ta-da!!!

It looks completely different. The gorgeous edging is now clearly defined and those points are... on point. (sorrynotsorry)

Look at just how much that lace opened up. It's wonderful.

Now, it does relax quite a bit when you take it off the blocking board. But it's still lovely and absolutely fantastic to wear.

You can see that the points aren't quite as drastic, especially with the tassels hanging on them. But the shape of the lace itself is still an amazing turnaround from where it began.

So yes, blocking. It's an essential tool for every knitter, but especially so for lace knitters.

Yep, that's right. Every knitting project can benefit from blocking. It's not all just stretching out your knitting. I highly recommend searching out for the thousands of tutorials that I'm sure are already out there.

As for me, I'm going to go work on a project that actually doesn't have any lace in it for once.

Shocking, I know.

Did I mention how much I hate colorwork?

A Different Set of Needles

I think I have made it abundantly clear that being a knitter is one of the most important parts of my life. It's not only helped me to help manage my anxiety, but has given me an amazing group of friends, and a larger community as a whole to be a part of.

It's led me to making and writing this blog, which has become my online soul. And I wanted to pay proper homage to my love of all things wool.

So, I went to see a lady about some needles.

That's right. I decided to have a permanent shrine to my wooly love tattooed on my arm.

The process itself wasn't as terribly painful as I thought it might be. This was my third tattoo, but it's been 8 years since I had my last one done. And the mind does tend to make memories a little fuzzy.

I mean it did hurt. You're having needles repeatedly stabbed into you hundreds of times over. How could it not? But it was a bearable pain for the most part. There were a couple places up near where my elbow bends that had me nearly crushing Vi's hand.

Margot (@itsmargot on instagram) did an amazing job of conceptualizing what I had wanted.

Traditional yarn ball tattoos held no interest for me. I much prefer the look of hanks all twisted up and full of promise.

And I was so tired of seeing the needles shoved through in an X formation. You'd never actually do that with real needles, so why would I want that in a tattoo?

So Margot came up with this amazing design, even using the very first set of *fancy* Boye rosewood needles I had bought for the ones in the design.

This was the reference photo we used and she turned it into an incredible work of art.

I love it so much. And coupled with my new hair color, I'm feeling fantastic about myself.

Oh, my hair. Did I forget to mention that it now matches my beloved Jade lipstick?

Yeah, I decided to jump in and do this the day before getting my tattoo done.

Which happened to be St. Patrick's day.

Don't even bloody mention leprechauns, okay?

Green just happens to be my color, thank you very much.

Let It Go

I have a really, really bad habit of projecting feelings on to inanimate objects.

I suppose that's an entirely human trait, though, right?

We procure mementos and keepsakes from our travels and important events. Little trinkets that we can look at and relive the occasion in our hearts.

But sometimes things happen and taint the memories. Friendships fail, relationships fall apart. And instead of a rush of happy feelings, our thoughts turn dark and bitter.

Those feelings then get projected onto our keepsakes.

Or onto a beloved hand made object.

A few years ago, I crocheted a gorgeous lace weight, beaded shawl to wear to a wedding.  It was wonderful, my first beaded shawl. A huge amount of work went in to it.

And in the interim years, things exploded.

And that's putting it mildly,

My shawl got shoved to the bottom of the pile, only surfacing when I needed to reorganize. I couldn't look at it without a spike of anxiety and sadness hitting me hard.

But I couldn't just toss it aside. And it felt wrong to sell something that I had worn before.

But then I also felt guilty because the shawl wasn't being used.

So, I finally decided that this shawl just wasn't supposed to stay with me. It needed to be passed on to someone who would be able to enjoy it.

So, I let it go.

And I found that as I washed and blocked it again, preparing it for its next caretaker, the feelings of resentment, anger, and regret were slowly fading. And they were replaced with happiness and peace.

And a little bit of excitement. Because I knew that the person that I chose to give this to would love it as much as I once had.

It was also a way for me to thank her for everything she's done for me recently.

So, goodbye, Effy. I can let you go with no turmoil in my heart and with a smile upon my face.

And since you're gone, this means that I can knit myself a different brown shawl now.

Brief

The words just aren't coming tonight. So I'll be brief.

I'm still slogging my way through the alpaca shawl. I've made it to the first edging and will be starting the second one soon.

I finished some more pendants and put the first ones on cords.

I had a lovely Saturday with Bethany and came to the conclusion that I am a real life fairy princess. 

Birds give the worst advice when trying to help you cook dinner.

I'm really hoping to get back into the swing of things here soon. Writer's block suuuuuucks.

I know for sure that I'll have a pretty epic thing to write about on the 18th, though. Assuming that I'll still be awake enough to write after...

Shows and Sanctuaries

It's another list post because my brain is scrambled.

1. I GOT A NEW PHONE SO NOW MY PICTURES ARE AMAZING AND I AM SO HAPPY.

I can take selfies without a weird halo again!

2. Had a lovely time with Vi and John Friday at Brain Candy Live in Cleveland. We actually got there super early and had a great dinner before the show. After, we got some coffee and I saw a really cool clock that I really wish I could have stolen and taken with me.

3. And before you even ask, yes, I knit during the show. I managed to pull my yarn out of my bag, though, and couldn't reach down and grab it. Which led to an uncomfortable period of time of trying to keep it trapped so it wouldn't roll away until intermission. My hips are still feeling this.

4. I was totally in love with my outfit for the show. I WORE SPAAAACCCEEEEEE!!!!

5. I should be done with the selfies for this post now.

6. Finally got around to painting something that Jamie had suggested forver ago. A D&D themed tentacle piece.

7. My cats are fuzzy assholes and decided to try and eat my poor fuzzy cactus. So, I built him a little house.

Unfortunately, where I had to move him to, he wasn't getting enough light. So he's living at grandma's until I can find a better place here to keep him.

8. I managed to snag a couple of skeins of my favorite Tosh color (Earl Grey). It had been discontinued and was selling out rapidly. I know this is against my "no buying shawl yarn this year" commitment, but I felt an exception had to be made in this case. 

My rules anyway, right?

9. I've barely touched my knitting since I finished the Art and Coffee shawl . I worked a bit on my Grey Skies shawl yesterday, but I've been more on a painting kick lately. But I think I'm starting to feel the wooly urges again,

10. I cleaned the bedroom and took pictures today for a facebook group I'm part of. So, I'll share them here, too. See the wonder that is my little golden multi-function sanctuary! Painting, makeup-ing, yarning, and even sleeping! All can happen in this one little box!

11. I lied about being done with selfies.

But look at this preciousness.

The dog's pretty cute, too.