Fourteen Gat Dang Years

Guess what, y'all?

Robyn and I (Did I mention the name change yet? If not, HEY, THEY'RE GOING BY ROBYN NOW, OKAY???) have been together for 14 years now.

Rather than sit here and gush about them (that's soooo 3 years ago) how about I share our vows we wrote for the vow renewal? Then I'll end with some cute pics of us and y'all can leave nice comments about us below. Sound like a plan?

Mine:

My love, I promise to accept you as you are now and as who you shall become. I put my full trust in you and the commitments we’ve made to each other. I will continue to stand by your side as I have for all these years. I promise to be someone you can lean on, who will offer what comfort and love I can.
I give you not only a piece of my heart, but my joy and laughter as well. I promise to do everything in my power to make you laugh and smile as often as I can, so long as you’re willing to forgive the occasional accidental eye poke from a failed attempt to do so.
I also promise to always give you advantage on your charisma checks because, let's be honest, I'm the talkative extrovert to your reserved introvert.
I will always be the Batman to your Robin, the Luigi to your Mario, the Captain to your Number One.
I promise this all from now until whatever end takes us. I love you.

Theirs:

Eight years ago we promised to always love and support each other, no matter what hardships life threw at us. And we have. But in that time we've also helped each other grow and change so much for the better. And we've come so far. I've watched as you tried your hand at so many creative hobbies and discovered your passions. You learned how to heal from the past and found your unique voice in the world. And together we learned how to love better. So now, today, I promise to always stand by you as we continue to grow. I promise I'll still laugh with you at every corny joke and I'll still hold you when life feels too overwhelming. And I promise I'll always be with you as we continue this adventure together, because I can't wait to see where it takes us.

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Threadbare

I'm tired, y'all.

Exhausted.

Worn out and worn thin.

And I owe all of you an apology.

When I started writing this blog, my only intention was to share my knitting.

Over the years, though, it became not only that, but an extension of my soul. Of all my thoughts and feelings, as well as my crafting accomplishments. A way for me to connect and share with all of you.

But these last 6 months or so (maybe longer) I haven't been honest with you. I've just been plastering on a smile and repeating the mantra that I've forced myself into for so long.

"It's fine... everything is fine."

It was easier.

It was so much easier to just listen to that little voice in the back of my head...

"Just share the good things here! No one actually cares about how bad things have deteriorated inside your head. They're only here to see your ridiculous projects and if you don't have anything good to share, what use are you?"

My goal became to just shove everything down in and survive. I didn't have the energy to focus on myself because I was also trying to help my spouse through their own deteriorating mental health.

Yeah, that's been great, let me tell you, having to somehow learn how to help each other get through the times that our bad days overlap.

We're probably both better off dealing with this than some other people might be because we've been navigating my mental illnesses for 14 years together, but it hasn't been easy. My instinct is to only focus on them, damn everything else.

I almost lost other relationships because of this. I missed the signs of someone close's depression worsening. And while I am already working on fixing these problems, I'm still angry with myself for letting it happen in the first place.

And with me shoving everything down as far as I could and focusing on anything but myself, I ended up having two very bad (for me) suicidal episodes at different points this year. Not to mention a return of the days of all day anxiety. Being terrified to go to bed. Depression days so bad I could hardly breathe.

I thought I'd finally improved enough to not have to deal with these anymore. Or at least not as much as I have in the past. Finding out that's not the case has been soul-crushing.

I just feel so utterly lost right now. I've barely been knitting. Everything I've cast on has been thrown to the side soon after with disgust because NOTHING feels good in my hands. Or I would make a mistake that previously probably wouldn't have bothered me, but now I just can't live with it.

I even tried crocheting again, hoping to bring back the spark of passion with wool. I couldn't even get past the first 4 rows without frogging it.

I had planned on having some new craft goal for 2020, but I don't think I can. I don't even know what my creative abilities are going to look like at the end of the next 12 months.

At this point, I'm just taking things day to day to see what I feel like doing. A lot of that time has been drowning myself in books. I'm on my 14th book since January 1st already. I can lose myself in my stories and try to live through another day.

And while it's been nice to do so, I miss *making*.  I miss the feelings of accomplishing things. I need a goal again. Something to work towards. But I don't know what. I hope Henry comes back to me soon and grants me his favor again.

Until then, I guess I just keep cautiously moving forward in the fog.

As for the blog, I still have a few things in reserve to talk about, including the shawl I finished at the end of last year. So I'll do my best to get those out soon.

But after? I only ask for your patience as I try to find myself again. But this time, I promise I'll be honest about how I'm feeling. I owe it to you.. and to myself.

So, onwards we go, friends.

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Quiet Gifts

Sometimes projects are a long slog to get through them.

Others... well, they just kind of fall of the needles quietly.

Such was the case with my most recent finished shawl.

I wanted to make something for a family member, and quickly settled on Sunshine & Pinwheels. (Coincidentally, the very first lace shawl pattern I ever tried to knit... but that's for another post.)

I had some Malabrigo Mora mulberry silk yarn in my stash and thought it'd work up nicely in this pattern.

I was right, of course. And in just two weeks, I was finished.

I didn't really have time to go take proper pictures, so you'll have to excuse just these quick snaps.

There's just something so satisfying about a good white yarn and a simple lace pattern.

I added just a touch of pizzazz with some beads in the edging.

I wrapped it up, gave it to my family member, and moved onto my next project.

Quietly made, and quietly given.
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Bliss, Twist, Pissed... So List

So, a day... A SINGLE DAY... after posting about how great my new phone was, I picked it up off the desk AND THE SCREEN WAS CRACKED!

I hadn't dropped it, tossed it... indeed, I was being purposefully careful and gentle with it since our cases hadn't come in yet. Needless to say, I was pissed.

And through a bunch of bullshit, we have to pay a bunch of money to have it fixed.

So a comprehensive blog post isn't really something I can do today.

List post it is.

1. First and foremost, I want to take a second to acknowledge the conversation happening about racism in the knitting community. I apologize for my lateness in saying anything about this on here.

This article from Vox gives a good overview of the situation.

Please take a few minutes to read it and understand what's going on.

I'm working on a longer, more in-depth blog post about the whole situation, including links to BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and Other People of Color) artisans who have been generous enough with their time and energy to help us white yarn crafters as we start to acknowledge and work on unpacking our own racial biases. I'll also have links to resources to help in that regard.

As you can imagine, it takes A LOT of emotional and mental energy when you really start digging into biases and racism that you didn't realize you were participating in. So it's taking longer than I like, and I apologize for that.

But I'll leave you with this statement: I refuse to be part of the "silent majority" that some of the worst perpetrators of the racism shown in the knitting community claim I am a part of. I will work on unpacking my own biases, do my best to listen to BIPOC when , apologize and change my behavior when I stumble. I will also do my best to amplify and support the voices and businesses of BIPOC yarn crafters.

2. I got some amazing squish mail today from Knitcraft & Knittery including this indigo test skein...

And these GORGEOUS skeins of her fingering weight in a fun AF colorway name, Drunk Mosquitoes.

These might actually be contenders for my ceremony shawl because...

3. I'm changing shawl patterns... again.

I KNOW, OKAY! I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON WHO CAN'T EVER MAKE A DECISION!

But to be fair, I also JUST found my dress, and it was not I expected I would end up with.

There are some minor changes I'm planning on making, but I am SO in love with it.

But you can see how having my super large cape-like shawl is going to cover up and overwhelm the dress.

So I've decided on a Boo Knits pattern instead. Still gorgeous, full of beads, but a better compliment to the dress.

But that means that I'm going to have to decide on what yarn I want to use.

Joy.

4. I'm still cranking away on Teroldego. I'm through the colorwork section and am on the striped section before the big lace section.

I was hoping to maybe have it done in time for the next pj party, but I don't think that's going to happen. Especially because my wrists have been bothering me, so I've been trying to give them a break.

5. I GOT MY BULBASAUR FUNKOS!

I want like 80 more, but John says no. :(

6. In addition to the new phones we got recently, we were able to get an iPad tacked onto our plan for just a couple more bucks a month, so I've been having fun playing with Procreate and the Apple Pencil.

7. I'm particularly proud of how this bujo spread came out.

8. It was hair color time for us. Saturday, John went to a purple with more blue undertones.

As for me, mermaid is officially out.

And witch is in.

I am SO in love with how it came out. I can't wait to see how it fades.

And in case you were wondering what I look like as a blonde...

9. And here's a picture of Oj to finish out the post.

If you'll excuse me, I have about a billion different green yarns to look through. 

Until next time.

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*Creative Pun Filled Title About Presents*

So! Presents have been gifted and now I get to show them off!

First off are the socks I made for my grandma.

Pattern is Traveler's socks on Ravelry.

They were done in Sweet Georgia Worsted in color Mink.

You know, for hating cables so much, I actually didn't mind these too much.

Next up is the pillbug for Emmy!

He wasn't supposed to be felted, but I was in the mood for experimentation.

He's done in Wool of the Andes Worsted from KnitPicks, though I din't recall the colors off the top of my head.

I *nearly* ran out of the dark purple I used for the shell. I was DEFINITELY sweating on that one.

Also in the cute and cuddly category is the crab in a jar I did for Mom.

He was mostly improvised, especially as the original pattern had you using FRENCH FUGGIN KNOTS for the legs. And that is NOT in my wheelhouse.

He was made with the little bit of Rios I had leftover from my hat.

A hat for my grandpa was next, which if I'm honest, was pretty dang boring.

BUT! BUT! LOOK AT THIS COOL THING I MADE!

SEE IT?

IZ A LIL BLACK GOAT LABEL!

And on the back...

I used a scrap of leather and my wood burner. I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

And rounding out the presents for the year is this wee little scarf for my Hufflepuff husband's Christmas present: a little plush badger.

I *technically* have one other present, but I can't show it because it hasn't made it to the recipient yet. But you'll see it next month!

For now, though, I'm going to contemplate the like 80 different things I want to cast on right now before I inevitably end up doing another shawl.

Let's Get Merry

My Christmas knitting is ALMOST done. Just a few projects left and then I am FREE! Free to do other projects! To knit miles of lace again! I've been so devoid of it in my life!

What's that?

No... I *certainly* did not knit myself another lace tam in the middle of my Christmas knitting to take the edge off.

Okay, fine. But that's been the only thing, I swear! I was dying from a lace drought!

What? No! That is NOT A SHAWL ON THE NEEDLES SITTING BESIDE ME! NOPE! NOT AT ALL!

Listen, I can explain...

Umm....

Uhh...........

WANT TO SEE MY CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS?!

#OperationDestraction

We kind of went overboard this year because, let's face it, this year's been shit. And I need Christmas in a way that I never have before. I need the lights and the colors and the snow and the happiness this season usually brings me. So, my house it pretty dang merry right now.

We'll start in the dining room, above our window seat. (Also, apologies in advance for the not-great pictures. It's REALLY HARD to take good ones of all these decorations.)

This year's colors were originally inspired by peacocks, but as always, I added my own twist. I thought the coppery orange added a great pop of color next to all of the blues and greens.

We used gold as our main metallic accent color.

Next is the doorway going into the kitchen.

Not going to lie, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel of all my decorations for this one. It was the last one I did yesterday and I was pretty tapped. And John wasn't about to drive half an hour north to let me buy more stuff.

Next is the dining room arch, facing the living room.

This ribbon was my favorite find this year. It shifts from purple to teal to emerald green. I was so sad that I could only find two spools of it.

Because I'm an over-the-top sort of person, I decided that we were going to do two trees this year, too. So to finish off the dining room, here's the dining room tree.

This one is John's favorite because he did most of the decorating. Yes, yes, I finally relaxed control enough to let someone else do some decorating. And he did a fantastic job of it.

Moving along into the living room, we have the doorway going outside.

And the one going into our hallway.

This one is hands down my favorite of all the doorway decorations.

And here's the arch going into the dining room.

The mantle above the fireplace tends to be my centerpiece for Christmas decorating. It's usually the first thing I do and lets me play around with my colors and textures until I fall in love with it. Then that sets the tone for the rest of the decorating.

This year, I am particularly proud and enamoured with how it came out.

These poinsettias were my other favorite find. I only managed to grab two of them and I jealously guarded them from other shoppers while hunting for more. Sadly, they were apparently popular and I couldn't find like the 80 bushels of them that I really wanted.

I also wasn't able to find the peacock feathers that I wanted to have poking up out of all this. Well, couldn't find them at a reasonable price. But I'll have them for next year because for the first time ever, I'm planning on using the same theme two years in a row.  There's a reason why, but that'll come later.

For now, I just have my little glass friend tucked amongst the glitter.

And one last shot before moving onto the best part.

Our second tree is the one that I decorated. And, as expected, my favorite of the two. It came out so beautiful and wonderful that I'm going to have a hard time taking it down in the spring. (What? You don't leave your decorations up until after Easter? What kind of a person are you?!)

I went overboard.

I know I did.

But I ADORE trees where you hardly see the greenery. Where every time you look at it, you find something new.

To quote the younglings, I am "living" for this tree.

And lest you think that I forgot something, here are both of the trees all lit up.

And this is where we all agree that my tree is better because LOOK AT THE SPARKLE!

Well, I hear a certain scrap of lace calling to me, begging to be finished. And I'm not about to say no to 100% cashmere.

Listen, it's the holidays. Go spoil yourselves a little. I certainly am.