Tiny Little Tidbits

You know what happens when you walk into a craft store and walk past the clearance section?

Bad things happen.

Well, to my wallet at least.

This time, the financial cost wasn't too bad. But I definitely lost some sleep because I came home and had to start painting.

I've managed to take my watercolors to a whole new level.

A much smaller level.

Yep.

I painted a cactus the size of a dime.

Didn't think I'd leave out my tentacles, did you?

These are just the first two I've made. But I've got plans to make a dozen more. They're so much fun and quick.

It's also really cool to be able to display my other art skills while out in amongst the humans.

In other news, I had a very busy weekend.

I managed to finish my striped shawl. Only one little sneaky picture at the moment as I couldn't be arsed haven't had time to do a proper photo shoot.

On Friday, Vi and I went for a consultation on something really exciting. You'll have to wait for the 18th to see that one, though.

I'm just full of sneaky things today, aren't I?

I can be fully open to the fact that I enjoyed a wonderful lunch with John and my darling Sea, who happens to be in town for the weekend. 

We had a delicious lunch at Mustardseed and really enjoyed the live band playing there.

When we got home, I finally forced myself into weaving in the ends for poor John's fingerless gloves. I had planned on duplicate stitching the triforce on at least one of them, but that went about as well as you could expect.

So, plain gloves for my love, but he doesn't seem to mind.

He's yet to take them off.

Score one for the wife. 

And hey, only a week late for our anniversary.

Guess I'll pat myself on the back and reward myself by buying some new yarn. 

That's only fair, right?

...And 6 Months

It seems that I always conveniently have important dates happen in my life around this time of the year. Great for keeping it straight in my head, but bad for you guys. Because now you have to read yet another sappy blog post.

I'll try to keep the squishy to a minimum, but no promises.

I talk about Jamie occasionally on here. I mean, they're a super important part of my life. They're bound to make an appearance occasionally. I've talked a bit about our relationship and how it has changed my life. But I've never really talked about Jamie as a person.

I thought I'd give that a go. This is probably going to be a mess and all over the place. And I'm feeling enormous pressure on myself to make sense of all these jumbled thoughts I have.

But it's important to me that you can see Jamie through my eyes.

Deep breath and just let it flow, right?

Well...

Jamie is, without a doubt, the biggest effing nerd I have ever met.

(Great start, huh?)

Seriously, though, Jamie is an avid gamer and can lay claim to several fandoms. They have this incredible wealth of knowledge about those games and fandoms, too, so when you need to know something, you ask them.

It's sort of rubbed off on me and I find myself finally jumping into the gaming pool that I've been so afraid of.

We've been playing through Resident Evil 5, recently beating it on the Professional difficulty. Which is a huge achievement for me. I haven't played any game on anything higher than a normal difficulty. But we did it, Jamie patiently helping me every step of the way.

Which leads me to the next point. Like I said, Jamie is incredibly patient. Especially when it comes to teaching someone something. But really, it extends to a lot of different things.

During a random conversation about what animal each of us were like (go with me on this) Jamie said that I was a rabbit. I looked at them curiously and asked them what made them say that? They replied that I was excitable and nervous.

I laughed then, but really thinking about it, it's true. I tend to hop into situations, get startled by something, and run right back out. It's something that I've dealt with a lot in this relationship. I get overwhelmed by something my illogical brain is telling me and want to just run away. But Jamie always talks me through it, no matter how many times it happens. They answer my questions, talk me through my doubts, and we both come out having improved the relationship.

And they are just so incredibly loving and giving. Jamie does so much to make sure that Kate and I both know just how important we are to them. But that's to be expected in a relationship. What really shines about Jamie is the lengths they would go for their friends.

If you have the gift of Jamie's friendship, you are always going to have someone in your corner. Someone who will give you all kinds of loving shit, but you better believe if you need something and Jamie can help, you're going to have it.

However, Jamie isn't just a friendly smile and platitudes. They are fiercely loyal, true, but will also call you out on your shit. As they've told me before, they never want to see me stagnante. They want me to grow as a person. I think that feeling extends to all of the people close to them. And to themselves.

It takes incredible strength to constantly be wanting to improve and learn. And that, I think, might be one of the things that I admire most about them; their strength.

The amount of adversity that Jamie must face every single damn day is overwhelming. And that's from an outsider perspective. It's not my place to describe it all. It's not my story to tell. But what they live with and through every day is staggering and heartbreaking.

And I know how much they struggle. I've seen it. I've dealt with it. But they still push themselves through. Not always well, not always whole, but always still fighting.

Jamie is a beautiful and broken person. It takes a hell of a lot of effort on both our parts to make this relationship work. When you have two people who are crippled by mental illness, it makes things ten times harder. But we somehow are. And I will forever be grateful for this.

I guess if I really had to try to sum it all up...To explain why I'm in this relationship at all and who this person is to me, the best, most concise answer is simply...

Jamie makes me happy and, holy hecking hell, they can make me laugh.

And they like puns.

I actually probably could have just wrote that and you would know everything there is to know about Jamie.

I mean...

What's not to love?

Happy 6 months, Jamie. I hope I've done at least an okay job at trying to convey the wonderful person that I see you to be. <3

11 Years...

By this point, everyone and their brother has heard the story of John and I's meeting and progression into a relationship. No one wants to hear it again. And honestly, I just don't feel like talking about it for the billionth time.

But I still wanted to say something today. I mean, 11 years is no small feat. 

So, rather than focusing on what brought us together, I thought I'd talk about what keeps us there. 

I think the best way to do that is to discuss our day today.

We had gone back and forth on how we wanted to celebrate. We had discussed the usual date ideas (dinner and a movie), maybe going to campus and strolling down memory lane. But in the end, I just didn't feel like doing much. 

I just wanted to get up early, go check about getting a new phone (mine was on its last legs), grabbing lunch somewhere, then going back home to just chill and play video games.

Sounds great, right?

Well, of course it didn't go exactly to plan. 

I woke up in a panic attack. I must have had a vivid nightmare that I don't remember. But whatever it was, I woke up shaking and crying. John held me and rubbed my back until I was able to calm down.

He didn't complain about how late I had slept in or not getting out and about as early as we wanted. He didn't say a word when I told him I just wanted to play a little bit of Stardew Valley once I got out of bed just to try and give my brain something else to focus on. 

He got himself ready, took his shower, and got Al packed up to go to grandma's. 

I took a shower while he was gone. He came back right in the middle of it and didn't get upset when I told him I'd rather be alone than have him in there with me like normal.

My depression decided to sneak up and tackle me then, and I ended up having a day where I hated every part of me. I just wanted to rip my ugliness off and just couldn't shake the feeling of revulsion every time I looked in a mirror. 

I tried to combat this by deciding on an outfit that matched my jade lipstick, which is my new happy color. But I couldn't find a couple of pieces and started getting overwhelmed. John dug through all of our clothes to find what I needed. 

After getting dressed and getting my makeup done, and having John and Jamie reassure me that I was not the ogre I felt like, I started feeling a bit better, so we headed to Canton. I got my phone, we got food, and we did a bit of shopping. 

I started having some trouble with my new phone and started stressing out. With all the bad mental stuff from earlier, my anxiety and depression started charging back in. John calmed me down, talked me through it, and let me vent as needed. 

We got home, got my phone sorted, and I started the tedious process that is setting up a new phone. 

You know what I mean. Notification sounds, wallpapers, downloading a hundred apps....

All the while, John was playing the video game that we were supposed to play together. I didn't even think about it, which I know is incredibly selfish. But John just laughed when I said so and once again reassured me that everything was fine. He didn't care. 

He's now doing some of the chores that I've had to put off for a day or so. All to give me the chance to write this. 

The man is beautiful, wonderful, incredibly selfless individual. He doesn't think of me as lazy or useless when my mental illness makes day to day life a struggle. He quietly picks up the slack, all the while offering me whatever comfort he can. All the while loving me.

We stick together because we've been able to build and settle into this wonderfully comfortable relationship. We talk together, we laugh together, we cry together. We both see each other as the other's equal. Ain't no pants-wearing in this relationship. Because honestly, fuck pants. 

But don't get me wrong. This isn't a 50/50 partnership. Things are not balanced. Far from it. He gives a lot more than he takes because he has to. But he doesn't begrudge me for it. He knows that I am giving what I can in return. 

In the end, we're happy with what we have. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Thank you, John, for an amazing 11 years so far. I can't wait to see what this next decade together is going to bring.

Pal-entines Day?

Rather than sitting here waxing poetic about my lovers (that comes next weekend) I thought I'd take some time to talk about all the platonic loves in my life. My besties, my darlings, my babes.

In no particular order, I'm going to take a second and talk about each of them.

Bethany, what can I say? You are my logical, whip smart other half. Partner in crime and fellow shopping addict. I love that no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other, we pick up right where we left off. You were my kickass MOH, my college companion, and still my ever constant bestie. I love how much we laugh together and all of the most obscure inside jokes we've ever come up with. You'll always be the Doctor to my Detective.

Kayla, it's been a long time, my Potter-lovin' pal. It makes me so happy that we're still friends after all these years. I love having someone that I can nerd out about board games and D&D with. And who understands that Chris Perkins is God and Matt Mercer is Jesus and it isn't weird to fangirl about them in the slightest.

Mikayla, you are my soft-spoken darling. The mother-figure to someone who often needs an adulty-er adult to look after her since she's too busy fretting over everyone else. You always make me laugh, which as you know, is something that I appreciate a whole heck of a lot. You're the best sister-in-wool I could ask for. Thanks for always letting me vent about all the times I inevitably knit myself into a corner without laughing at me too much.

Caitlin, my sarcastic, wooly temptress. (You know what I'm talking about, with your hand dyed etsy links...) I appreciate your vast array of fiber knowledge and could kiss you for all the times you've helped me piece out how to fix a problem. Your fiercely loyal nature is inspiring and I know who to call if I ever need someone's ass kicked. I have to admit, it was easy to buy, though. Just had to throw some wooly goodness your way. I guess as much as you tempt me, I do the same right back. I will forever be grateful that I pushed through my anxiety and started talking to you and Taylor at the conference. Having another couple who shares our world view has been amazing and John and I both appreciate you fully.

Sea, my beautiful, creative soul. Your constant encouragement in regards to my art is so greatly appreciated. It's so reassuring and lovely to know that I have someone that I can talk to about any topic at all, whether that be politics, art, body acceptance, sex, or trivial little things that are entirely unimportant. Your wonderful laugh and easy going nature are soothing to me. I feel like I can relax entirely around you. You are another person who has been in my life for a long time and I am just so damn happy that that has been the case.

Morgan, I miss you so, my dear! My eternal ray of sunshine, I know that you'll always chase away the clouds. I can never thank you enough for the gift you bestowed upon me by teaching me to knit. I owe you for everything. Thank you so much for just being one of the best people that I know.

Vi. My beautiful, wonderful, darling Vi. I honestly don't know if I can adequately sum up exactly how much you mean to me, but I'm going to try. It's amazing to me just how close we've become. Our little triforce is my refuge. I know I can talk to you about anything and you'll always be there to give me support, advice, a hug... or an alibi. Your strength of will is a wonder to behold and I never doubt that you WILL get everything in life that you want. Thank you, truly, deeply, for everything, love.

A most happy of days, my darlings. I love you all so much! <3

A Comedy of Errors

The behemoth and monstrosity known as Orchid Thief has been defeated.

Fina-fucking-ly.

It's supposed to be about the journey, right, and not the destination?

Yeah, not this time.

I can't even say "Oh! I'm so happy that it is done!"

Because it's not happiness I feel.

It's victory and vengeance and relief.

How did a project that started out so beautifully turn into such an unending nightmare?

I must have missed shawl work more than I realized. I'm burning right through this one. Isn't the gradient gorgeous? Using a combo of #Malabrigo and #FrabjousFibers #WonderlandYarn for this project. Pattern is Orchid Thief on Ravelry. #knitting #knit #knitter #knittersofinstagram #yarn #yarnaddict #yarnporn #shawls #lace #happiness #blackgoatknitting

A photo posted by Ashtan Albright (@ageeksgirl08) on Dec 27, 2016 at 8:35pm PST

It started off wonderfully.

Seemed like a straightforward project. Nothing in the pattern notes about not being able to enlarge it. So, I didn't look too closely at the other user's projects. (Mistake the First).

I had a wee bit of a scare doing the last repeat, but had enough yarn and happily started the edging. I had done what I thought were 7 repeats. (Mistake the Second).

The edging wasn't lining up because apparently, you can only do exactly 4 body repeats for it to work. I decided to look at the other projects at that point to try and figure out how to salvage this thing. The only solution I had found was to do an 8th repeat... But I was out of yarn, except for what i had for the edging. So, I decided to forge ahead and figure out my own edging.

Do I really need to point out that that was Mistake the Third?

I went up to Harps and Thistles to find a suitable color to use for the 8th repeat.

I burned through it and carefully counted my stitches, using the notes from one of the other projects.

And discovered to my horror that I still needed to do another repeat.

I almost lost yarn chicken that time, but I got through and started the edging.

At this point, this thing was a giant nightmare. Literally giant.

And I had to buy yet another damn skein of yarn.

This conversation I had with Mikayla pretty much sums up how I felt about the whole damn thing at this point.

Yarn purchased, I forged ahead.

I wasn't overly happy with how the last two rows of the pattern, so I made a simple change. Take note of this and remember it for later.

As soon as I finished, I decided to count the number of stitches on my needles.

I nearly shat myself when I came up with 787. But whatever! It was done except the bind off!

Two and a half hours later, it was done. And it was beautiful and huge and I loved it.

That's blocking on our queen size bed.

After wrangling that, I decided that I needed a nice relaxing shower, seeing as I was going to have 16 bloody ends to weave in later.

You know how you start really thinking about things when you have a chance to take a breather?

Yeah.

In my shower, feeling perfectly content with the world, I realized, much to my horror, that it was entirely my fault that I had nearly 200 more stitches than I should have.

How does one fuck up that bad?

Well, I had added some increases in every repeat when I changed the last two rows... Annnnnddddd promptly forgot to balance them out with decreases.

One last stab in the heart, eh, Orchid Thief?

But as soon as I settled her on my shoulders, I fell in love.

So here she is, in all her glory.

She's everything I could have hoped for.

 1300 yards of sport weight yarn went into this shawl.

And while she's not the widest shawl I've ever made.

She is the longest.

And, despite the struggle to get here, I am thrilled with Orchid Thief and so happy to add her to my collection.

A Minor Miscalculation

I...

I miscalculated.

I thought that the edge for Orchid Thief followed the normal pattern of increasing 8 stitches on every
right side row, which meant I would be binding off 595 stitches.

A staggering amount, truly.

To put this in perspective, Celestarium's final row had 570-odd stitches.

Orchid Thief is a heavier yarn on bigger needles and has MORE than that. It will be wider than Celestarium's circumference.

I counted the final row, just to be sure. And to have a laugh at myself and what nightmare the bind off was going to be.

I came up with a number.

I laughed.

I counted again.

I laughed, an edge of panic in my voice.

I counted a third time.

And then I lost it.

There was no way.

No fucking way.

But no.

Three times can't lie.

The number of stitches in the last row...

787

Seven hundred and eighty-seven.

SEVEN FUCKING HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-SEVEN GOD DAMNED STITCHES!

May Henry and all the Wooly gods have mercy on me.

It's going to be a long night.

Insert Creative Title Here

This past week has seen a rapid amount of up and down swings for me. It's left me feeling emotionally and physically drained and I just don't have the energy to write a long and witty post. So, list it is.

1. I finally got brave enough to put some bright color on my hair. It's purple now.

2. Because of the above, I've turned into a selfie monster.

3. No, I don't see this as a problem. And yes, I'm rocking green lipstick. Jade from Coloured Raine. Highly recommend it.

4. Orchid Thief is still not done. I had to buy ANOTHER damn skein for the edging. And if my calculations are correct, I'll be binding off 595 stitches.

5. Yes, my Christmas decorations are still up. No, this doesn't bother me. No, I have no plans on taking them down any time soon. Yes, because I am lazy.

6. I did a lot of painting this week.

The last one was a challenge to only use the paint I had left over in my palette. Not my best work, but a fun exercise.

7. I accidentally bought more lace weight yarn. And by "accidentally" I mean I did so with full comprehension and no regrets.

8. I may have also bought beads to go with it.

9.  I stumbled upon this is my stash and think it would look fabulous with my hair, so this might jump to the top of the queue after Orchid Thief.

10. I played Minecraft with Jamie, John, and another friend from 5pm yesterday to 3am this morning. It was hella fun, I've built a lovely little home and will grab a screenshot to share next time I'm on the server.

11. I'm doing the Yarnlove Challenge on instagram. You should go check it out.

Yarnlove Challenge Day 2: Close Up! A beautiful shot of my Celestarium that I finished last summer. #yarnlovechallenge #knit #knitting #knitter #knittersofinstagram #yarn #yarnaddict #yarnporn #shawls #lace #happiness #blackgoatknitting

A photo posted by Ashtan Albright (@ageeksgirl08) on Feb 3, 2017 at 8:29pm PST

That's all I've got in me today, folks. I'm going to go try and slog my way through a few more rows of Orchid Thief so today isn't a complete wash.