The Beginning, The End

For the first time in almost 7 months, I did my full makeup.

I put on the dress that I was supposed to wear to Christmas last year.

I put on the shawl I had finished a few days ago.

Robyn and I walked to the small patch of woods where we take pictures of my finished shawls.

Half of it is gone now. Burned down and ripped out by the town.

I was anxious.

Nervous.

I couldn't remember how to hold my hands. Do I smile for these?

It slowly came back to me.

The last time we were here was May 30th. We took pics of Bright Tomorrow.

The first time we came here this year, we were taking pictures of Orchid Thief, a project that brought me my first guest blog post.

I am six months an owner of my own business.

This shawl was made with yarn I dyed myself in the first iteration of my second most popular colorway.

The pattern is Sunshine and Pinwheels. The very first knit shawl pattern I ever made.

The beginning of my love affair with knit lace.

I knit this pattern last year, too.

I don't want to think of the numbers. Of the days and days and days and days and weeks and months of being locked inside.

I don't want to deal with the fear. The anxiety of losing your breath. The suspicion and terror of being close to any human outside of your bubble.

I don't want to acknowledge the grief, the loss, the pain.

Don't think, don't think, don't think.

I've knit 7 shawls this year.

I have worn them nowhere.

I have turned 30.

I have opened my business.

I have been married to Robyn for 9 years.

I have been with Lily for 4 years.

I have celebrated none of these.

I have hugged three people outside of my family in 10 months. 

I miss friends.

I miss people.

My heart hurts.

I will end this year as I have spent this year: quiet and sad.

I have no resolutions, no other hopes or dreams for this upcoming year. I just want to survive.

Harbinger of Loom

Okay, listen. There really isn't any weaving content in this post, but I HAD to make that pun. 

Like, legally obligated.

Let's just move on to the yarn, shall we?

That's right!

I'm adding a BRAND NEW YARN BASE to my line up!

And, y'all... I AM SO IN LOVE WITH IT!

Introducing Harbinger, a DK weight yarn made up of the same superwash BFL as my Omen lace base.

It's 245 yards of pure bliss. 

Seriously. I've barely taken my hat off since I finished it.

I'll have a very limited quantity going up in the shop this Friday, December 4th at 3pm Eastern.

So be ready to snatch it up!

See you Friday.

Colorwork-ful Revelations

Yes, friends, it's true.

I think I've FINALLY discovered a type of colorwork that I enjoy.

Why didn't anyone tell me about mosaic knitting sooner?!

I started this last year as a knit along with Mikayla. Neither one of us really committed to it, so it was kind of a off-and-on project. Especially because I kept switching colors.

Like, oh my god, I changed my mind A MILLION GODDAMNED TIMES. And ripped it out again and again as I had new ideas.

But when my mom asked for a shawl and this one was already so far along, I finally committed and got it done.

Mostly...

See, this should have a whole other repeat of the brown and white design, buuuuttttttt I screwed it up. I added an extra color in because I didn't think I'd have enough of the white and it would have screwed up the whole pattern if I tried to do the last repeat. So I said fuck it and just moved onto the ribbing.

The important thing is that my mom loves it and it's perfect for her to use when she's relaxing on her porch or around their firepit. 

The other important thing is now I have a deep urge to make ALL THE MOSAIC THINGS!

Which is a bit of a problem since Christmas is only 34 days away. 

Hmmm... gift cards for everyone and just knit for myself is the obvious solution to this.

Reversible Decisions

Clear back in June, I had a vague idea of wanting to do something Pride related. 

T'was the season and all. 

But I also was inspired by a friend's recent FO, a giant, squishy grey shawl. 

Soooo.... I combined the two!

No real pattern. I just knew that I wanted a triangle shape with a cabled spine.

I had some lovely yarn in my stash that was grey with a small pastel rainbow section. I started with a plain grey, faded into the pastel, and then decided that I didn't like the last color I had picked out, so attempted to dye myself something that would work with what I had.

And if that wasn't enough, I also decided near the end that I liked the back of the shawl better than the front. Which meant that I had to drop the spine clear back to the beginning, flip the shawl over, and knit everything back up.

There was a lot of cursing involved, but I did it, damnit.

It was totally worth it.

I wish I could say that it's one of my favorites in my collection, but somebody stole it right from me. 

Good thing I love you, Robyn. 

Lagging

So, it's been a while, hasn't it?

I showed off my new shawl, talked a little about the shop, and just fucked right off for months.

I could say that the shop has been consuming all of my time, but that's not exactly true. Don't get me wrong, it's A LOT of work, but not so much that I couldn't have written a blog post or two.

If I'm honest with myself, I think I've been hiding from the world. If I didn't write about the sheer hell happening, I wouldn't have to acknowledge it. I wouldn't have to deal with it. I was shielding myself. 

I wouldn't have a record here of what all had happened. And maybe in time, the memories wouldn't be as traumatic since I wouldn't be able to remember it all clearly. 

But that's still not all of it.

I actually went back and read all my blog posts from this year and found this from "Threadbare" I wrote in January.

"I just feel so utterly lost right now. I've barely been knitting. Everything I've cast on has been thrown to the side soon after with disgust because NOTHING feels good in my hands. Or I would make a mistake that previously probably wouldn't have bothered me, but now I just can't live with it.

I even tried crocheting again, hoping to bring back the spark of passion with wool. I couldn't even get past the first 4 rows without frogging it.

I had planned on having some new craft goal for 2020, but I don't think I can. I don't even know what my creative abilities are going to look like at the end of the next 12 months."

And this one from "In Sheep's Clothing" in February.

"I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves with other people. We should be proud of what we as individuals can accomplish. But I follow so many accounts on social media just absolutely filled with folks seemingly churning out colorwork sweaters, socks, and other garments at a frightening pace.

It seems every week these folks have new projects falling off the needles.

And I'm sitting back here, hoping to finish one project in less than 2 months.

How do you push yourself through this?"

And I can't help but still feel like this. Seeing people on like their dozenth quarantine sweater tends to make one feel quite inadequate. Especially when it took me two bloody weeks to knit a simple pair of fingerless mitts.

"But Ashtan," you say. "We're going through a global pandemic and a new earth-shattering event like every other week. Surely it's okay to not be making as much stuff?"

Yeah, well, let me sum up how I feel about that in a handy-dandy meme format.

But somehow, miraculously, with the cooler weather here I'm wanting to knit again. I'm making again. I've found a fierce little flame of joy and I am holding onto it with everything I've got right now. 

I've actually finished two large projects within the last week. I've already cast on my next project and I can't wait to get back to it after finishing this post up.

And if that wasn't enough, I also already have my next post started to show off the shawl that I knit earlier this year that FINALLY captured my spouse's heart enough to steal it right from my hands. 

(Yeah, I haven't been completely paralyzed. I have managed to make some things, but never had the heart or energy to post them here.)

Did I mention that it also features an utterly ridiculous Ashtan story with it?

Here's a little preview.

My friends, I've missed you. And I am so, so happy to be back.

30

If you're not in a great place of mind, I'd recommend skipping this post. I'll have another one soon with more yarn related things and a bit of an explanation on why it's been so long since I've posted. But this was shit I needed to get out of my head.

CN: Suicidal Ideation, Discussion of Self Harm

I turned 30 a few days ago.

And with that brought a whole heaping host of complicated emotions, thoughts, and fears. Not to mention the worse episode of suicidal ideation I've had in the better part of 5 years. 

Yeah, it was really fucking bad.

If you would have asked me 15 years ago where I thought I'd be now... well, this is most certainly not the answer I would have given. 

I would have thought I'd have a college degree, a stable career, a house away from where I grew up, children of my own. Robyn would still be in the picture, but that's only because at this point we've known each other for more than half my life. 

Instead, I never finished college. I've spent the last decade just trying to survive the horrors that my past traumas and mental illnesses have thrown at me. I didn't figure out what I wanted to do as a career until this frickin year. I do have a house, which I am grateful for, but I do still live in the same tiny town I was born in. Children will never be an option for me.  

But I am here. I'm alive, somehow. I made it to 30 years old. Damaged, broken beyond repair, but alive. 

And as selfish it may sound, I wanted to celebrate that. I wanted my birthday to be full of fanfare and celebration. A day where I had an excuse to be the center of attention. A day that reassured me that I was important, valued, loved.

But, y'know, giant fucking plague kinda ruined that. 

And the last month leading up to my birthday was absolute fucking hell. 

Just dealing with emergency after emergency with the pets was bad enough. We lost Oj to cancer that we didn't know he had. Jass managed to scratch her head open so bad that she needed to be put in a cone. Boo got an ear infection and burst a blood vessel in his ear.

On top of all that was the emotional chaos of trying to get my ex-stepdad out of the house. It was far past time for him to move the fuck out, but trying to do so was a goddamned nightmare. 

Not to mention, Robyn and kiddo were both dealing with mental breakdowns of their own every other week. For different reasons, but still absolute hell to deal with. 

Oh, I'm also still trying to get my fledgling business off the ground, too. Can't forget that!

And let's not forget the fact that we're living though the goddamned apocalypse. 

Through all of this, I was expected to be the strong one. The one who had the answers, who sailed us through storm after storm. I wasn't allowed to have a moment of weakness, a moment to just scream and cry and rage about how unfair it all was. 

No, I had to shove all my feelings down and pretend everything was fine. Whenever a crisis popped up I was expected to drop everything and fix it.

Again.

And again.

And again.

What right did I have to complain when so many other people were hurting so bad?

Could I have reached out to my friends? 

Certainly. But that posed another problem.

You see, as the resident extrovert, I'm always expected to be "on." 

(I fully realize that this is pressure I put on myself, but it's how my brain operates, so please bare with me as I try to explain.) 

I have to be entertaining. Even when I'm talking about trauma and how I can barely handle being alive right now. I have to somehow make it seem like I'll be okay. Don't worry about me! I'm the strong one!

So I kept silent. 

I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling as my birthday approached. How I felt like I was a giant fucking failure still. A disappointment to my family. A burden. That I was at my breaking point and I needed someone, anyone, in my family to reassure me that I was worth something. That I needed a goddamned break from being the strong one and needed someone to let me just breakdown and cry.

No, actually. That's not entirely true.

I tried to tell them. But as soon as I mentioned "birthday" I was told, "It's just another day in your life!"

So the day of my birthday dawned with me already in the deepest hells of depression. And it just got worse and worse through the day.

It ended up with me in the car in the garage, phone in one hand, scarf in the other. I had made up my mind to call a crisis hotline because I knew I was in a dangerous place. It was either talk to someone or strangle myself in the car. 

At least then Robyn would be able to get rid of the car and get something new. 

Hell of a lot easier to clean up, too.

And it's the stupidest fucking thing, but my brain kept telling me that my birth and death date would be so neat and tidy on my headstone.

"September 24th 1990 - September 24th 2020"

I tried the hotline three separate times. I never got through. 

No one to talk to. No one I could just unburden myself on that I didn't have to worry about what the hell they thought of me the next day. 

So I screamed and cried and raged in that car, just begging everything to stop for five goddamned bloody minutes so I could BREATHE. So I could THINK. So I could actually figure out what the fuck I had to live for.

Robyn eventually came out, sat with me, and everything just poured out. Everything.

And this is the part where you expect me to say that things got better after that, right?

I finally talked to someone! Surely that was all I needed!

Nope, things were still going to get a lot worse. 

To respect the other person involved's privacy, I will keep the details out of this. All I will say was that if it wasn't for the fact that I was absolutely paralyzed with self-loathing by the end of it, I would have likely grabbed whatever sharp instrument I could find and punished myself as much as I could.

The other person and I got past it, but I still felt absolutely raw and hollow.

I still feel that way, like a tree struck by lightning and burned from the inside out.

Sure, there have been better days. Days that I have smiled and laughed and found reasons to keep going.

But I've also been waking up in panic attacks most mornings. Including one memorable time that I had a panic attack so bad that I threw up everywhere after only 4 miserable hours of sleep. And then could only sleep in 2 - 5 minute bursts before waking up panicking again. 

I wish I had a positive spin on this. I wish I could say that I know I'll be happy again. That life will be grand.

But I don't. I can't. I'm not so naive to pretend that we're not hurtling towards even bigger disasters and there feels like there's nothing stopping it.

I only have the tiniest little spark of hope that I am desperately trying to keep from going out. 

I know I have to keep going. I have too many people to take care of. Too many things I want to do. Too much yarn to dye still.

I turned 30 a few days ago.

And I survived. 

Dawning

There have been 3 distinct moments on this journey that have triggered my "oh-my-god-this-is-actually-real-holy-shit" reaction: when I got my bank card with the business name on it, seeing my tags hanging on my yarn, and photographing the first project using my yarn.

In my previous post, I introduced you to the 3 colors that I'm starting my repeatable color catalog with. As we got closer to the initial opening date, I had an "oh shit" moment when I realized that I didn't have a sample actually showing said colors. 

It was actually super hard finding a pattern that fit my requirements. I needed something with a lot of lace (since that's what I feel a lot of my yarn is good for), used 3 colors, and could be done relatively quickly. 

There were a LOT of 3 color shawls out there, but most of them were shapes I don't generally like to wear (sorry, asymmetrical triangle fans, but they're not for me) or didn't actually use all 3 colors for the lace parts.

I ended up finding a Boo Knits pattern (Bright Tomorrow) and diving in.

And, HOLY HELL, is it fucking nerve-wracking knitting with something you've dyed. The whole time, all I could think was that it was going to bleed all over my hands, or that I'd damaged the yarn during the dyeing process somehow.

I don't think I breathed until it was done, washed, and on the bed, blocking.

But the results are fucking PHENOMENAL.

LOOK AT IT! 

I DID THAT!

I DYED THAT!

And it's not just a one-off for me!

I can make these same colors again and again and send them out to other yarn friends to enjoy!

I am so dang excited to see others working with these yarns, these colors. Creating their own magic.

We're almost there, my friends. Are you as excited as I am?

An Introduction

Well, July is here.

And with July comes the looming opening date of my yarn shop. (The 17th... mark your calendars)

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified. Being someone with anxiety, my brain is constantly trying to undermine me and tell me that everyone is going to hate my yarn and that I'll be stuck with a whole bunch of stash that I'll never be able to get through. Not to mention all the money I'm out.

But I can't sell yarn if I don't, y'know, show it off...

But I've still been weirdly reluctant to write this post... to introduce y'all to my yarn. Even though I adore it all. Like REALLY love it.

So, I'm going to fight against my instinct to apologize for it all and instead just show you what I have to offer.

Without further ado, here are Black Goat Fibers official repeatable colors.

For the initial launch, I'm offering three repeatable colors and a whole butt-load of one-off's. Like a TON of them.

But let's just focus on the three.

First up is Moonwashed Lavender.

It hovers between silver and purple, depending on lighting and what you pair it with. 

I accidentally created this color when I was just chucking random dyes together to see how they worked and absolutely fell in love. 

This is shown on my lace weight base, Omen.

Next up is probably my favorite name so far, Goat Feathers.

This is cooler than a celery color, but more green than sea foam. Not quite mint, either. 

But it's A Good Heckin' Green, if I do say so myself.

This is on Familiar, a fingering weight merino/nylon base.

And lastly we have Cloaked.

A very deep cool grey, Cloaked is a great neutral and pairs well with practically everything. Especially with the other two colors in the collection.

I don't want to overwhelm y'all with everything I have, so I'll leave this here for now.

This is also on the Omen base. I do have one other base, but I haven't gotten those photographed yet.

Good lord, there's still so much to do...

*panic intensifies*

Anyway, next time I'll show you the shawl I made with these three colors and share what it felt like to actually make something with my own products.

For now, here's a teaser.

Cheers!