Lagging

So, it's been a while, hasn't it?

I showed off my new shawl, talked a little about the shop, and just fucked right off for months.

I could say that the shop has been consuming all of my time, but that's not exactly true. Don't get me wrong, it's A LOT of work, but not so much that I couldn't have written a blog post or two.

If I'm honest with myself, I think I've been hiding from the world. If I didn't write about the sheer hell happening, I wouldn't have to acknowledge it. I wouldn't have to deal with it. I was shielding myself. 

I wouldn't have a record here of what all had happened. And maybe in time, the memories wouldn't be as traumatic since I wouldn't be able to remember it all clearly. 

But that's still not all of it.

I actually went back and read all my blog posts from this year and found this from "Threadbare" I wrote in January.

"I just feel so utterly lost right now. I've barely been knitting. Everything I've cast on has been thrown to the side soon after with disgust because NOTHING feels good in my hands. Or I would make a mistake that previously probably wouldn't have bothered me, but now I just can't live with it.

I even tried crocheting again, hoping to bring back the spark of passion with wool. I couldn't even get past the first 4 rows without frogging it.

I had planned on having some new craft goal for 2020, but I don't think I can. I don't even know what my creative abilities are going to look like at the end of the next 12 months."

And this one from "In Sheep's Clothing" in February.

"I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves with other people. We should be proud of what we as individuals can accomplish. But I follow so many accounts on social media just absolutely filled with folks seemingly churning out colorwork sweaters, socks, and other garments at a frightening pace.

It seems every week these folks have new projects falling off the needles.

And I'm sitting back here, hoping to finish one project in less than 2 months.

How do you push yourself through this?"

And I can't help but still feel like this. Seeing people on like their dozenth quarantine sweater tends to make one feel quite inadequate. Especially when it took me two bloody weeks to knit a simple pair of fingerless mitts.

"But Ashtan," you say. "We're going through a global pandemic and a new earth-shattering event like every other week. Surely it's okay to not be making as much stuff?"

Yeah, well, let me sum up how I feel about that in a handy-dandy meme format.

But somehow, miraculously, with the cooler weather here I'm wanting to knit again. I'm making again. I've found a fierce little flame of joy and I am holding onto it with everything I've got right now. 

I've actually finished two large projects within the last week. I've already cast on my next project and I can't wait to get back to it after finishing this post up.

And if that wasn't enough, I also already have my next post started to show off the shawl that I knit earlier this year that FINALLY captured my spouse's heart enough to steal it right from my hands. 

(Yeah, I haven't been completely paralyzed. I have managed to make some things, but never had the heart or energy to post them here.)

Did I mention that it also features an utterly ridiculous Ashtan story with it?

Here's a little preview.

My friends, I've missed you. And I am so, so happy to be back.