Reversible Decisions

Clear back in June, I had a vague idea of wanting to do something Pride related. 

T'was the season and all. 

But I also was inspired by a friend's recent FO, a giant, squishy grey shawl. 

Soooo.... I combined the two!

No real pattern. I just knew that I wanted a triangle shape with a cabled spine.

I had some lovely yarn in my stash that was grey with a small pastel rainbow section. I started with a plain grey, faded into the pastel, and then decided that I didn't like the last color I had picked out, so attempted to dye myself something that would work with what I had.

And if that wasn't enough, I also decided near the end that I liked the back of the shawl better than the front. Which meant that I had to drop the spine clear back to the beginning, flip the shawl over, and knit everything back up.

There was a lot of cursing involved, but I did it, damnit.

It was totally worth it.

I wish I could say that it's one of my favorites in my collection, but somebody stole it right from me. 

Good thing I love you, Robyn. 

A Most Important Note

(Just FYI, I have full permission to share this.)

My most darling spouse has updated their pronouns to they/them and I will be using those going forward.

And for the record, darling...

I'm pretty dang proud of you.

And I can't wait to see what these changes will mean for your confidence and happiness in the future.

Love you, nerd.

<3

Queer Pi for the Fat Bi

This is proving to be a hard one to write, y'all. I had hoped that this was going to be a bright and happy post. Something to celebrate an accomplishment.

My heart and head just hurt. I'm just exhausted from... well, everything.

But I'll try my best to bring some love and light to you, my dear readers. Because maybe a rainbow is exactly what we need right now.

Back in June, a craftalong arose on instagram that I felt I had to take a part of.

It came out of the desire for a digital knitting group for those of us in the queer community who are not as comfortable at the typical Pride celebration. Large crowds and loud noises are not our jam. It was also geared towards those of us who maybe still trying to learn how to be comfortable with our queer identities.

As it started growing and changing, it was decided that not only would this serve as a way to bring the crafty queer folks together, but also as a way to celebrate queer dyers and pattern designers. Participants were encouraged to use yarn and/or patterns specifically from queer folks.

Thus, the Quiet Queers Craftalong was born.

I knew from the beginning that using Morgan's yarn from Knitcraft and Knittery was the only option for me. I ended up using their merino fingering weight in a deep charcoal black called My Sister's Soul.

As for the pattern, I decided to bite off more than I could chew challenge myself by picking a circular shawl by Frenchie of Aroha Knits. Because, y'know, it only took me A YEAR to knit my last circular shawl...

Caim Shawl called to me. So, I purchased the pattern, got my yarn, and got started...

And then IMMEDIATELY decided to add misery for myself another challenge by incorporating beads into the increase rounds. Did I mention they're in rainbow order?

Y'all, I STRUGGLED with this one. I struggled hard. I knit all of my anger and frustration and hurt into this shawl. And I just couldn't finish it properly.

My heart and my hands hurt so much that I ended up binding off 48 rows early.

Yes, my friends. I made a shawl smaller than the pattern called for again. That should tell you how much I was dealing with in my head while making it.

My mental health was in the worst place it'd been in two years. Plus, we were dealing with having to fix our bathroom. And that was just personal stress. That's not counting the absolute burning shithole the world in general is at the moment.

Even so, it came out the size that the pattern listed the final dimensions to be, so could you even imagine how big it would be if I would have finished those last two repeats?

We had planned on taking pictures this last weekend and I was struggling to decide what to wear. ("Struggle" seems to be the name of the game lately...)

And that's when I had yet another bloody awful brilliant idea to wear not just one outfit, but six of them.

Yes, in rainbow order... on a ridiculously hot day where all of my makeup would melt off.

Because if we're going to show off our queer pride, why not go all out?

It probably comes as no surprise that I have enough dresses to wear the whole rainbow.

I'm someone who loves wearing colors across the whole spectrum.

And I know that this is supposed to be about the shawl and the craftalong, but as I'm writing this, I'm realizing just how much my style has changed over the last couple of years.

It's evolved into something that feels right... feels wholly ME.

And it's not just my outward styling, but my whole identity.

I'm finally embracing all the different factions and parts that make up me.

My bisexuality, my polyamory, my knitting, my mental illnesses, my drive to make things, my trauma, my fears, hopes, and dreams...

The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, it all swirls together and has formed me into the person I am today.

And knowing who you are, where you belong in this world, is such a gift.

I've fought so hard to get to this place for myself.

And you know what?

I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud of who I am.

And I know that even though I will stumble and make mistakes, as long as I keep moving forward, I'll be pretty dang proud of who I am in the future, too.

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Erasing : Me : Redrawing : Myself : Finding : I

Another conversation took place last month in the online knitting community, this one on the use of the term "bistitchual" and how it can be considered bi-erasure.

A topic that I, as someone who identifies as bisexual, have a valid opinion on. So when I saw the discussions taking place... I kept silent.

This post isn't about that discussion.

No, this is about me and confronting myself. Forcing myself to actually take the time and unpack the thoughts and feelings I've had swirling in my head for years.

I've never felt like I belonged in the LGBTQIA community. No matter how many memes and pictures and articles and affirmations I share, I have never felt queer enough to belong. 

From the outside, my primary relationship looks like a cisgender, heteronormative one. And most people don't know we're poly. So even though I have a girlfriend, everyone just assumes I'm a straight woman married to a straight man. 

And because I didn't really figure out my sexuality until John and I had been together for a while, I never went through the whole "experimentation phase." I didn't deal with being in the closet my whole childhood and adolescence. I was 19 when my brain suddenly lit up and went, "Girls? Yes, girls. We like them, too."

I actually remember the moment it happened, too. It was December 17th, 2010. John and I were laying in bed together in our second apartment, watching Lar DeSouza, one of our favorite comic artists, work on a new pin-up design. 

It was a female Krampus piece. And something about her made my little heart just start a'beatin and a'flutterin. It was less like a bright light bulb going off and more like a tiny candle being lit. Not an earth shattering revelation, but something that I just accepted. Just an, "Oh, okay. This is who we are now." And at the time, I thought it didn't really matter since I was already in a committed relationship. 

As for family acceptance, it wasn't really a big deal. I think I may have casually mentioned it to my mom and grandparents. None of them had a problem with it. It was more just like, "Oh, okay." 

In regards to the rest of my family, it doesn't really matter. They have no dealings with my day to day life, so it's of no concern to them. I haven't gone out of my way to tell them, but I don't hide it either.

And my in-laws... since they dislike me already, I definitely have no interest in talking to them about my sexual orientation. Unless, of course, I really want to just piss them off. Which I'm not above doing.

Do you really need to ask about my friends? Almost all of them are queer themselves or allies. We're all wrapped up in this giant rainbow flag.

So, I've never really experienced the harassment and hate that so many others have. And though it's completely ridiculous and something I would chide someone else about, because I haven't "suffered" for my orientation, I don't feel like I am allowed to claim it. 

And it is SO HARD to get over that mindset.

I just recently started using the queer knitters hashtag on instagram and even doing that caused me anxiety. My brain started telling me that I was appropriating it. That I was going to be called out and publicly shamed because I wasn't "allowed" to use it. 

But I want to be more visible. I want to openly share my experiences. To let other bisexual people know that they're allowed to exist and be happy and be themselves. 

And to do that, I need to accept that I am queer enough. I am a part of the LGBTQIA community. I am allowed to claim that identity.

So, hi. My name is Ashtan and I am openly, unabashedly, and proudly bisexual. And I am enough.