Accomplish-Knit

Clear back at the end of May, I finally worked up the courage to try my very first sweater after seeing Jacqueline Cieslak's Ursa Minor pattern.

Bulky weight yarn? V-neck? Size inclusive?

I was sold.

I even had yarn in my stash I could use.

So, I dove right in and got to work.

And promptly realized that I could only work on it for short bursts of time because size 10.5 needles apparently make my hands angry.

So it took me a *little* longer than I meant to finish it.

But I DID finish it.

On my birthday, no less.

Alas, we had to wait until it wasn't 90 BLOODY DEGREES outside before we could take pictures.

But guess what?

We managed to do that, too.

But as you're admiring my lovely new addition to my wardrobe, I need to bring up an important point dealing with taking pictures of sweaters...

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WITH YOUR HANDS?!?!?!?!!

We tried out a few different prop options...

Before ultimately deciding to go with a copy of The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes from my library.

So, let's talk about the sweater itself.

I used KnitPick's Wool of the Andes bulky weight in spruce. I think I used just under 6 skeins? I haven't weighed my leftovers yet.

Because it's me, I decided to add lace to the bottom hem and sleeves. 

I also picked up extra stitches under the arm (12 as opposed to the 3 I think the pattern called for) and didn't decrease at all. I'm not a fan of fitted sleeves and wanted a bit of a flare at the end.

The lace pattern is an adaptation of the fern lace pattern from 750 Knitting Stitches.

I went with 3/4 length sleeves because I couldn't decide between short sleeve and full length. 

I think I went with the right option.

I was so worried that it'd grow too much since I tend to knit loosely. But this sweater fits like an absolute dream. 

Now, if only we could get some ACTUAL FALL WEATHER for me to be able to wear it.

BONUS!

Enjoy a couple extra pictures of my second favorite prop.

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Mail Bag

I've gotten a lot of fun things in the mail recently that I've just been dying to show off.

(We won't discuss how this is also a super low effort post, which is exactly how much I can do right now...)

First up is the amazing skein of yarn I won from Desert Panda Fiber Arts. It was part of the Quiet Queers Craftalong. And I am in LOVE.

LOOK IT!

It's sooooo prrreeeeeettttyyyyy.

Speaking of winning things, I ALSO won the giveaway for the #KnittingAndIceCream contest hosted by the wonderful Jacqui.

(And no, I don't know how I won two contests so close together, either... O-o)

The whole point was to say a giant "fuck you" to fat phobia and fat-shaming companies.

This was my entry.

View this post on Instagram

What? You don't coordinate your knitting with your ice cream? But seriously, fuck your fat phobia. My body is exactly that: mine. You have no say on how it looks or what it should do. I get to decide that. Just like I get to decide what I want to knit. (Image Description: A fat woman sits on a upholstered bench holding a bag of knitting with one hand and a pint of ice cream in the other. #fuckfatphobia #knittingandicecream

A post shared by Ashtan Albright (@blackgoatknitting) on Jul 24, 2019 at 7:27pm PDT

It was also what inspired the blog post that I wrote recently, too.

The prize was 9 skeins of yarn that Jacqui herself won from a yarn retailer who posted some rather problematic, fat-phobic things.

It IS a lovely shade of grey (my favorite neutral) and I can't wait to make something particularly fitted for my body with it.

And if winning two giveaways wasn't enough, I was gifted this GORGEOUS lace gradient yarn by my fellow all-things-lacy-and-beaded friend, A. Llama.

I have PLANS for this.

But alas, all my plans really do have to wait until I get this dang ceremony shawl done.

Let's see, what else?...

Oh! I also got a couple of new pins for my project bag, both of which happened to be bee themed.

This adorable little beekeeping hedgehog from The Clever Clove...

And this BEEEE20!!!

This one is from Monstrous Incantation.

And after a glowing recommendation from a dear instagram friend, Yelley, I bought a new project bag from Tomboy Femme Bags.

Isn't it lovely?

Look at the pretty lining!

It's a great addition to the collection and is holding my new scrap project quite nicely.

Oh, I suppose you'd like to see that, too, huh?

I'm kinda at a standstill at the moment because I'm nearly out of the ivory yarn. But a new skein is on its way, so hopefully I can get back to it soon.

In the meantime, I'm working on getting the pattern written up for it. And I'm doing so in my new bullet journal dedicated just to my knitting projects.

I actually originally ordered this as my next bullet journal (I've almost finished my first!), but it was a little too big for my everyday journal. So knitting journal it is!

I'll finish up with a little sneak peek at my latest finished object.

Full post about that later this week!

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Queer Pi for the Fat Bi

This is proving to be a hard one to write, y'all. I had hoped that this was going to be a bright and happy post. Something to celebrate an accomplishment.

My heart and head just hurt. I'm just exhausted from... well, everything.

But I'll try my best to bring some love and light to you, my dear readers. Because maybe a rainbow is exactly what we need right now.

Back in June, a craftalong arose on instagram that I felt I had to take a part of.

It came out of the desire for a digital knitting group for those of us in the queer community who are not as comfortable at the typical Pride celebration. Large crowds and loud noises are not our jam. It was also geared towards those of us who maybe still trying to learn how to be comfortable with our queer identities.

As it started growing and changing, it was decided that not only would this serve as a way to bring the crafty queer folks together, but also as a way to celebrate queer dyers and pattern designers. Participants were encouraged to use yarn and/or patterns specifically from queer folks.

Thus, the Quiet Queers Craftalong was born.

I knew from the beginning that using Morgan's yarn from Knitcraft and Knittery was the only option for me. I ended up using their merino fingering weight in a deep charcoal black called My Sister's Soul.

As for the pattern, I decided to bite off more than I could chew challenge myself by picking a circular shawl by Frenchie of Aroha Knits. Because, y'know, it only took me A YEAR to knit my last circular shawl...

Caim Shawl called to me. So, I purchased the pattern, got my yarn, and got started...

And then IMMEDIATELY decided to add misery for myself another challenge by incorporating beads into the increase rounds. Did I mention they're in rainbow order?

Y'all, I STRUGGLED with this one. I struggled hard. I knit all of my anger and frustration and hurt into this shawl. And I just couldn't finish it properly.

My heart and my hands hurt so much that I ended up binding off 48 rows early.

Yes, my friends. I made a shawl smaller than the pattern called for again. That should tell you how much I was dealing with in my head while making it.

My mental health was in the worst place it'd been in two years. Plus, we were dealing with having to fix our bathroom. And that was just personal stress. That's not counting the absolute burning shithole the world in general is at the moment.

Even so, it came out the size that the pattern listed the final dimensions to be, so could you even imagine how big it would be if I would have finished those last two repeats?

We had planned on taking pictures this last weekend and I was struggling to decide what to wear. ("Struggle" seems to be the name of the game lately...)

And that's when I had yet another bloody awful brilliant idea to wear not just one outfit, but six of them.

Yes, in rainbow order... on a ridiculously hot day where all of my makeup would melt off.

Because if we're going to show off our queer pride, why not go all out?

It probably comes as no surprise that I have enough dresses to wear the whole rainbow.

I'm someone who loves wearing colors across the whole spectrum.

And I know that this is supposed to be about the shawl and the craftalong, but as I'm writing this, I'm realizing just how much my style has changed over the last couple of years.

It's evolved into something that feels right... feels wholly ME.

And it's not just my outward styling, but my whole identity.

I'm finally embracing all the different factions and parts that make up me.

My bisexuality, my polyamory, my knitting, my mental illnesses, my drive to make things, my trauma, my fears, hopes, and dreams...

The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, it all swirls together and has formed me into the person I am today.

And knowing who you are, where you belong in this world, is such a gift.

I've fought so hard to get to this place for myself.

And you know what?

I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud of who I am.

And I know that even though I will stumble and make mistakes, as long as I keep moving forward, I'll be pretty dang proud of who I am in the future, too.

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The F Word

Let's get something straight here.

I am fat.

This is an objective fact.

I'm not "curvy" or "husky" or any of your other empty platitudes.

I am fat.

Don't tell me I'm not. And don't immediately follow it up with "you're beautiful!"

I. Am. Fat.

And I am beautiful.

One does not preclude the other.

My body is large and round and soft.

It has carried me through nearly 29 years of existence.

It has been broken. And hurt. And told over and over again that it's somehow worth less than someone who has a smaller body.

My body requires more fabric to clothe it.

And as a knitter, a maker of things, I have had to learn how to change and adapt my craft to accommodate me.

Because designers don't care to include people with bodies like mine in their works.

So when you marvel at how easily I seem to be able to magically make what I want appear off my needles, know that it's from years of tears and frustration and looking longingly in the distance at the straight sized bodies on parade with their perfectly fitted garments.

I don't love my body every day.

Sometimes I hate it.

Because I've been told since I was seven years old that I needed to be skinnier. That I needed to diet. That because I didn't want to be in sports, I was useless.

And gross.

And deserved to be ridiculed.

I've only been taught to hate myself.

Never to love myself.

By family. By friends. By strangers.

Don't think I've forgotten about the mother and daughter who laughed at me openly when I dared to look at a shirt in the straight sized section.

Or the kids on the playground who would run away from me because my fat body was an object of disgust to them.

Or the caregivers who tried to starve me into acquiescence of their designs for my person.

A lifetime of these stories and experiences.

You tried to shape me into a ball of loathing and disgust.

You tried to beat my spirit into the ground.

But in the dirt is where life grows.

You told me I'd never bloom into anything beautiful, but I defied you.

I grew into a vibrant and untamed bed of wildflowers.

I am all of the beauty that the sad and barren dirt patch of a heart you have wishes it could be.

And spare me the bullshit of "but your health!"

I don't owe you my health.

I don't owe you anything.

I am not your before picture, your dieting failure, your bad example, your cautionary tale.

I am a person.

I am a human being.

With thoughts and feelings and a thousand different dreams.

And none of those dreams include you and your ignorance.

I have had to fight so hard to love myself.

A veritable gauntlet of education, self-reflection, and conquering my inner-hate.

Of tears, and self-harm.

Of looking at myself and wanting to rend the very flesh from my bones.

But now, when I look in the mirror, I don't see the monster you have so long claimed me to be.

I see me.

All of me.

All of my wonder and beauty and creativity and intelligence.

Shining out from this body of mine.

And if we are all stardust, comprised of the universe...

Well, that would mean my greater concentration of mass makes my star outshine all of your loathing and hate.

I am me.

I am worth everything.

I am fat.

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