A topic that I, as someone who identifies as bisexual, have a valid opinion on. So when I saw the discussions taking place... I kept silent.
This post isn't about that discussion.
No, this is about me and confronting myself. Forcing myself to actually take the time and unpack the thoughts and feelings I've had swirling in my head for years.
I've never felt like I belonged in the LGBTQIA community. No matter how many memes and pictures and articles and affirmations I share, I have never felt queer enough to belong.
From the outside, my primary relationship looks like a cisgender, heteronormative one. And most people don't know we're poly. So even though I have a girlfriend, everyone just assumes I'm a straight woman married to a straight man.
And because I didn't really figure out my sexuality until John and I had been together for a while, I never went through the whole "experimentation phase." I didn't deal with being in the closet my whole childhood and adolescence. I was 19 when my brain suddenly lit up and went, "Girls? Yes, girls. We like them, too."
I actually remember the moment it happened, too. It was December 17th, 2010. John and I were laying in bed together in our second apartment, watching Lar DeSouza, one of our favorite comic artists, work on a new pin-up design.
It was a female Krampus piece. And something about her made my little heart just start a'beatin and a'flutterin. It was less like a bright light bulb going off and more like a tiny candle being lit. Not an earth shattering revelation, but something that I just accepted. Just an, "Oh, okay. This is who we are now." And at the time, I thought it didn't really matter since I was already in a committed relationship.
As for family acceptance, it wasn't really a big deal. I think I may have casually mentioned it to my mom and grandparents. None of them had a problem with it. It was more just like, "Oh, okay."
In regards to the rest of my family, it doesn't really matter. They have no dealings with my day to day life, so it's of no concern to them. I haven't gone out of my way to tell them, but I don't hide it either.
And my in-laws... since they dislike me already, I definitely have no interest in talking to them about my sexual orientation. Unless, of course, I really want to just piss them off. Which I'm not above doing.
Do you really need to ask about my friends? Almost all of them are queer themselves or allies. We're all wrapped up in this giant rainbow flag.
So, I've never really experienced the harassment and hate that so many others have. And though it's completely ridiculous and something I would chide someone else about, because I haven't "suffered" for my orientation, I don't feel like I am allowed to claim it.
And it is SO HARD to get over that mindset.
I just recently started using the queer knitters hashtag on instagram and even doing that caused me anxiety. My brain started telling me that I was appropriating it. That I was going to be called out and publicly shamed because I wasn't "allowed" to use it.
But I want to be more visible. I want to openly share my experiences. To let other bisexual people know that they're allowed to exist and be happy and be themselves.
And to do that, I need to accept that I am queer enough. I am a part of the LGBTQIA community. I am allowed to claim that identity.
So, hi. My name is Ashtan and I am openly, unabashedly, and proudly bisexual. And I am enough.
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