But I still wanted to say something today. I mean, 11 years is no small feat.
So, rather than focusing on what brought us together, I thought I'd talk about what keeps us there.
I think the best way to do that is to discuss our day today.
We had gone back and forth on how we wanted to celebrate. We had discussed the usual date ideas (dinner and a movie), maybe going to campus and strolling down memory lane. But in the end, I just didn't feel like doing much.
I just wanted to get up early, go check about getting a new phone (mine was on its last legs), grabbing lunch somewhere, then going back home to just chill and play video games.
Sounds great, right?
Well, of course it didn't go exactly to plan.
I woke up in a panic attack. I must have had a vivid nightmare that I don't remember. But whatever it was, I woke up shaking and crying. John held me and rubbed my back until I was able to calm down.
He didn't complain about how late I had slept in or not getting out and about as early as we wanted. He didn't say a word when I told him I just wanted to play a little bit of Stardew Valley once I got out of bed just to try and give my brain something else to focus on.
He got himself ready, took his shower, and got Al packed up to go to grandma's.
I took a shower while he was gone. He came back right in the middle of it and didn't get upset when I told him I'd rather be alone than have him in there with me like normal.
My depression decided to sneak up and tackle me then, and I ended up having a day where I hated every part of me. I just wanted to rip my ugliness off and just couldn't shake the feeling of revulsion every time I looked in a mirror.
I tried to combat this by deciding on an outfit that matched my jade lipstick, which is my new happy color. But I couldn't find a couple of pieces and started getting overwhelmed. John dug through all of our clothes to find what I needed.
After getting dressed and getting my makeup done, and having John and Jamie reassure me that I was not the ogre I felt like, I started feeling a bit better, so we headed to Canton. I got my phone, we got food, and we did a bit of shopping.
I started having some trouble with my new phone and started stressing out. With all the bad mental stuff from earlier, my anxiety and depression started charging back in. John calmed me down, talked me through it, and let me vent as needed.
We got home, got my phone sorted, and I started the tedious process that is setting up a new phone.
You know what I mean. Notification sounds, wallpapers, downloading a hundred apps....
All the while, John was playing the video game that we were supposed to play together. I didn't even think about it, which I know is incredibly selfish. But John just laughed when I said so and once again reassured me that everything was fine. He didn't care.
He's now doing some of the chores that I've had to put off for a day or so. All to give me the chance to write this.
The man is beautiful, wonderful, incredibly selfless individual. He doesn't think of me as lazy or useless when my mental illness makes day to day life a struggle. He quietly picks up the slack, all the while offering me whatever comfort he can. All the while loving me.
We stick together because we've been able to build and settle into this wonderfully comfortable relationship. We talk together, we laugh together, we cry together. We both see each other as the other's equal. Ain't no pants-wearing in this relationship. Because honestly, fuck pants.
But don't get me wrong. This isn't a 50/50 partnership. Things are not balanced. Far from it. He gives a lot more than he takes because he has to. But he doesn't begrudge me for it. He knows that I am giving what I can in return.
In the end, we're happy with what we have. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Thank you, John, for an amazing 11 years so far. I can't wait to see what this next decade together is going to bring.
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