The History in my Stars

I'm faced with a conundrum.

According to Ravelry, I started my Celestarium on June 16th of last year.

As of today, I am over halfway through the last chart, which means I'm about 75% through the whole shawl. I'm on track for finishing it in the next few weeks.

Tens of thousands of stitches have been made by my hands. Hundreds of beads placed. Countless hours of my life put in to it. 

My knitting skills have improved vastly from when I started this shawl. My understanding of my particular tension is better and I no longer have problems with laddering. I know that I am a looser knitter than when I began. 

Which is why I'm debating frogging Celestarium and completely starting over.

Looking it over, you can see the vast differences between where I started and what I'm currently working on. Like the rings in a tree, each section is a snapshot of my knitting skill at that point in time. If I were to start it over, the end product would look significantly better. A more unified and consistent work. Not to mention, a better showcase of my knitting skills.

Ripping it out, though, is a year's work lost. A year of learning, mistakes, and improvements will have no physical record of ever existing. It would only be acknowledged in my knitting skills from here forward and only by me. Every item made from now on will only be possible because of what I've learned from my past projects. 

But Celestarium was the entire reason I wanted to learn how to knit. I fell in love with it when I first discovered Ravelry and had sighed wistfully over it for the longest time, never thinking I'd be able to do it. But I did learn and I did start it. Wouldn't I be better served by starting from scratch and doing right by this pattern so close to my heart?

I have to decide what kind of knitter I am.

Am I an artist striving for that perfect piece?

Or am I a storyteller who speaks through my knitting, mistakes be damned?

Am I willing to lose all of that work to have something more beautiful at the end of it all? To push myself for a better end result to do right by this pattern? To prove that I have the strength of will to acknowledge my shortcomings and do better the second time around?

Or do I let it tell a story? My story. Do I let my mistakes and growth show? Do I acknowledge to the world that this shawl is not perfect, in fact far from it, but there is a journey contained within it?

Every mistake, every inconsistent stitch, every ladder tells of someone who is still learning and striving to perfect her art. Every yard of yarn has passed through my hands as I have wandered about my little corner of the world. This shawl has been to loved ones' homes, travelled along on trips both near and far. It's been held and touched by dozens of people.

But it also tells of a knitter who did not know how to fix her mistakes when she made them. Or was too lazy to tink back to correct them. Many late night knitting sessions show themselves in sections with inconsistent stitches as I struggled to keep working.

So, who am I?

Storyteller or artist?

About a quarter of the way through chart D on my Celestarium shawl! #knitting #knit #yarn #yarnporn #yarnaddict #stars #knittersofinstagram #beads

A photo posted by Ashtan Albright (@ageeksgirl08) on Jun 18, 2015 at 12:39pm PDT

In the end, I realize that in my heart of hearts, I care more about the story.

Celestarium will never be perfect, no matter how many times I try to knit it.

And that's okay.

I am the keeper of broken and imperfect things. I am the finder of overlooked treasures waiting to shine. The perfection that some people crave has no place in my life. And my work will always reflect that.

This shawl's journey, from conception to completion, is an important piece of my history. I can show it to any other knitter and they will be able to see and understand more about me than any words could.

So onwards we will travel, towards more experiences and memories all wrapped up in wool.