When the Mighty Fall

There's a post that I see floating around facebook frequently that says something like, "Check on your strong friends." The point being that your friends and loved ones who always seem to be the strongest, the most okay, could probably definitely use someone to talk to from time to time.

I'm here to tell you that *I* am that friend.

For the last two months, my mental health has crashed hard. Almost to the level I was at 3 years ago. I've been waking up nearly every day with some sort of anxiety. Some days it's just a little knot of dread in my stomach. Others, it's been full panic attacks.

My depression days, which had leveled out to maybe once a month, are now happening nearly every week.

I can tell you exactly why it's happening again.

I always talk about having a support net rather than a support pole. That you should never rely entirely on one person for your emotional support. You need to be able to spread that out so no one person gets overwhelmed and overburden with caring for you.

If you go to one person and say, "I need help. Can I talk to you about this?" and they reply with, "I cannot help right now because I need to focus on myself," it leaves you with other options to help you through whatever you're facing.

Or maybe someone has asked you to help them first, so you know they're in a vulnerable place and not able to offer you help themselves.

Then you move to a different support point on your net.

There's no resentment or disappointment. No anger. Just understanding that even though they can't help you right now, it doesn't mean that they won't be able to in the future.

You give and you take. You shore each other up when you are able to, recognizing that you're all in this together.

But what happens when every support point in your net isn't able to help?

What happens when everyone is so overwhelmed with what they're dealing with that they can't really help you?

Before I go any further, let me make this clear: I WILL NEVER, EVER BE MAD WHEN YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU AND YOUR MENTAL WELL BEING ARE YOUR OWN TOP PRIORITY.

I never want people to hurt their own mental well being at the expense of helping me.

Okay, now that I've said that, you want to guess who hasn't been following her own advice?

I know, I know.

My ability to put up boundaries and say "I can't do more than just listen a bit right now" has been pretty much destroyed. I've been wanting to just take on everyone else's problems and take care of them.

So many of my friends (like, all of them) are going through huge life changes, struggling with their identities, or just in a bad mental state themselves. How could I add to that burden?

I couldn't force myself to ask for help this time.

Even from John and Lily.

Yep, I felt like I couldn't even ask the two people who love me the most in this world if I could talk to them about what was going on in my head.

And that's just in my personal life.

In a slightly larger sphere around me, I've also been trying to keep up with all the discussions still taking place in the fiber community on Instagram. Sharing what I could, trying to support people who needed it, discussing the issues with others who aren't aware of what is happening.

But the problem is that I went from trying to educate myself and help out to an unhealthy obsession.

I felt like I HAD to keep up with every little thing. To the point where I was developing real anxiety if I wasn't checking Instagram constantly.

What if I missed something? What if someone did something horrible and I didn't know and I bought from them or supported them in some way inadvertently?

My brain was being relentless.

And on top of all this is the ever present looming doom that is everything this fucking administration is currently doing.

Rather than, you know, dealing with all of this, I've been shoving it down deep and letting it fester.

Or finding ways to unhealthily deal with it... Like weeding every flower bed, destroying my wrist in the process, pushing myself past my physical limits, just to wear myself out enough that I might actually be able to get some goddamned rest.

So Saturday when I found myself absolutely sobbing into a napkin during what was supposed to be a relaxing day out, pouring my heart out, choking out the words that I've locked away for so long about everything I'd been feeling and dealing with, I realized that I HAVE to do something.

I'm so tired of feeling like this... of being absolutely exhausted from fighting my own brain constantly, unendingly. I want to get back to the healthier mental state I'd been enjoying for so long.

So, I'm going to do what should I have done a long time ago. I'm going to focus on me.

I need to rest. To step back and take a breath.

This doesn't mean that I'm giving up on my friends or my activism.

But it does mean I'm going to change how I approach it.

For the foreseeable future, I'll continue to share the information I come across when I have the energy to.

If I'm having a low energy day, I'm going to allow myself to just turn off for that time. I HAVE to be able to. I need to be able to let my brain rest.

And I will NOT let myself feel guilty about this, no matter what that little, rotten voice in the back of my head says.

As for my friends, I will be better about asking for help when I need it. And being honest with them when I can only offer to passively listen rather than actively help them with problems.

This has been absolutely exhausting to write, so I hope you'll excuse me for a brief goodbye. There's some neglected knitting that needs some attention.