In Sheep's Clothing

Do you ever have those moments where you look at your work, those thousands of hours dedicated to your craft, and find yourself absolutely disgusted?

Why are you bothering?

Why do you try so hard?

You aren't shit.

I'm dealing with this hard right now.

I'm looking at my lace work and questioning why I knit.

I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves with other people. We should be proud of what we as individuals can accomplish. But I follow so many accounts on social media just absolutely filled with folks seemingly churning out colorwork sweaters, socks, and other garments at a frightening pace.

It seems every week these folks have new projects falling off the needles.

And I'm sitting back here, hoping to finish one project in less than 2 months.

How do you push yourself through this?

I'm trying hard to be realistic. Most of these people are half my size, which means half the work to do. So even if I could knit as fast as they do, I still couldn't do the work in the same amount of time.

I also can't financially afford to knit sweaters often. It's the same principle as the time cost. Bigger person = more yarn needed. A shawl is much less of a material cost (most of them at least).

Glancing through the worsted weight sweaters in my ravelry favorites, none of them use less than 1500 yards for someone with my bust size.

So let's do some fun math and assume 1 skein of indie dyed worsted yarn retails for $25 and has at least 200 yards. I need 8 skeins, which means that knitting that sweater is going to cost me $200 in materials straight off the bat.

How about something more affordable like Knit Picks' WotA? It retails for $3 a ball, but only has 110 yards per ball. I need 14 balls. That's $42. A wee bit better, true, but now my color selection is limited, plus I don't get to support the people I really want to.

So it's better for me to just support indie dyers and showcase the smaller quantity of yarn used in projects like my shawls, right?

But am I growing stagnant by focusing on just lacework and shawls specifically? Shouldn't I challenge myself and always push myself to do bigger and better things?

I like the look of color work, but I HATE doing it. Absolutely loathe it. It slows me down considerably, I get frustrated when my yarn gets tangled, and I'm always so anxious that my floats are too tight.

Lacework, though... lacework I can do in my sleep.

It's fierce joy and revelation watching the pattern emerge from just a series of seemingly random holes and decreases.

And I think I'm decently good at lacework.

But I'm playing it safe, aren't I? I've pushed myself into a box that I'm unwilling to come out of.

I feel like an imposter. Like a little kid who finds themselves at the table with much more capable adults. Getting little pats on the head and a, "Good job, sweetie! You'll make real projects when you grow up!"

And I don't know what to do about these feelings.

I know this is all on me (and my ridiculous brain) because my friends are nothing but supportive and lovely.

But I just can't shake it.

I don't have any solutions, no hopeful observations.

I guess I just sit quietly with it and keep knitting.

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