Fancy That

Okay, seriously... I'm bloody done with this weather.

It's not snowy.

It's just grey.

No sun. No blue sky.

Nothing but bleakness as far as you can see.

And it is really hard to find the motivation to go take pictures of a shawl when you know everything is going to end up looking just as dull.

So I finally just threw in the towel, tossed Fancy up against the house, and snapped a few quick pics.

And that's what you'll just have to live with. I'm tired of trying to wait out the weather.

*Technically* this is the Nancy pattern from Boo Knits, but for a whole host of reasons, there was no bloody way I was calling this shawl that name.

So, it became Fancy.

Which is a bit of a laugh because fancy this shawl is not.

It's rather understated.

A plain body, simple lace, minimal beading.

Plus it's a DK weight (TIG Springvale DK in Heartbreak Hotel) rather than my usual fingering weight shawls, which means it's a little heavier.

I used plain silver beads because I didn't want anything super shiny.

In the end, I came out with a serviceable piece that can easily be used as shawl or scarf.

And if I'm honest, I'm glad I decided to give it to my spouse since that means I can occasionally wear it, too.

As for my next project, I may have something rather familiar on my needles.

But you'll just have to wait to see that one.
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Threadbare

I'm tired, y'all.

Exhausted.

Worn out and worn thin.

And I owe all of you an apology.

When I started writing this blog, my only intention was to share my knitting.

Over the years, though, it became not only that, but an extension of my soul. Of all my thoughts and feelings, as well as my crafting accomplishments. A way for me to connect and share with all of you.

But these last 6 months or so (maybe longer) I haven't been honest with you. I've just been plastering on a smile and repeating the mantra that I've forced myself into for so long.

"It's fine... everything is fine."

It was easier.

It was so much easier to just listen to that little voice in the back of my head...

"Just share the good things here! No one actually cares about how bad things have deteriorated inside your head. They're only here to see your ridiculous projects and if you don't have anything good to share, what use are you?"

My goal became to just shove everything down in and survive. I didn't have the energy to focus on myself because I was also trying to help my spouse through their own deteriorating mental health.

Yeah, that's been great, let me tell you, having to somehow learn how to help each other get through the times that our bad days overlap.

We're probably both better off dealing with this than some other people might be because we've been navigating my mental illnesses for 14 years together, but it hasn't been easy. My instinct is to only focus on them, damn everything else.

I almost lost other relationships because of this. I missed the signs of someone close's depression worsening. And while I am already working on fixing these problems, I'm still angry with myself for letting it happen in the first place.

And with me shoving everything down as far as I could and focusing on anything but myself, I ended up having two very bad (for me) suicidal episodes at different points this year. Not to mention a return of the days of all day anxiety. Being terrified to go to bed. Depression days so bad I could hardly breathe.

I thought I'd finally improved enough to not have to deal with these anymore. Or at least not as much as I have in the past. Finding out that's not the case has been soul-crushing.

I just feel so utterly lost right now. I've barely been knitting. Everything I've cast on has been thrown to the side soon after with disgust because NOTHING feels good in my hands. Or I would make a mistake that previously probably wouldn't have bothered me, but now I just can't live with it.

I even tried crocheting again, hoping to bring back the spark of passion with wool. I couldn't even get past the first 4 rows without frogging it.

I had planned on having some new craft goal for 2020, but I don't think I can. I don't even know what my creative abilities are going to look like at the end of the next 12 months.

At this point, I'm just taking things day to day to see what I feel like doing. A lot of that time has been drowning myself in books. I'm on my 14th book since January 1st already. I can lose myself in my stories and try to live through another day.

And while it's been nice to do so, I miss *making*.  I miss the feelings of accomplishing things. I need a goal again. Something to work towards. But I don't know what. I hope Henry comes back to me soon and grants me his favor again.

Until then, I guess I just keep cautiously moving forward in the fog.

As for the blog, I still have a few things in reserve to talk about, including the shawl I finished at the end of last year. So I'll do my best to get those out soon.

But after? I only ask for your patience as I try to find myself again. But this time, I promise I'll be honest about how I'm feeling. I owe it to you.. and to myself.

So, onwards we go, friends.

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The Point of Pointless

In the frantic haze leading up to the vow renewal, I was dealing with near-constant sheer panic and decided that the only thing to do was stress cast-on a new shawl.

And no, I'm not talking about the one from this post.

I mean I went stash diving, found a completely different pattern, and had at it.

I really wanted to have it done by the end of the year, just as a last hurrah.

So I did it.

Finished it yesterday, in fact.

And as I was blocking it out, I stood back and felt... confused.

And vaguely disappointed.

I didn't understand this shawl.

Not how it came together. That was easy.

But what was the point of this shawl?

I didn't have an event to wear it to.

I didn't have an outfit in mind for it.

It wasn't a pattern that I had been dying to try or yarn that I was itching to play with.

Sure, I had an arbitrary deadline, but it wasn't something I was super committed to.

It was, for me, a pointless exercise compared to my usual methods of creation.

I just needed something to make, so I made.

Sitting down to write this all out, it occurs to me that maybe pointlessness was the point.

For once, it was the act of creation, not the finished object, that I needed.

So what am I going to do with it now? Well, I happily let it go into the arms of my spouse, who fell in love with it as I was knitting it. They didn't know I was giving it to them and the smile they had when I handed it over made my heart melt.

And you know what? That was a pretty good way to end the year.
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A Long Road

I seemed to blink and suddenly the event we'd been planning for over 2 and a half years is over.

I'll be posting about the whole thing soon, but for now let's get to what you really care about: the shawl.

Y'all know how long it took me to actually decide on a pattern. I went through every different option for shawls on ravelry (not to mention trying to design my own) before ultimately deciding on... the very first pattern that I picked out at the start.

Despite the odd name, the center of this shawl just screamed "snowflake" to me.

Adding in the picot bind-off was just a bonus that sealed the deal.

The color was the perfect deep emerald green that is exactly what I had envisioned when I was planning our color scheme.

It is proving a little impossible to photograph, so you'll just have to use your imagination a bit.

Or, y'know, just go buy yourself some.

Shoutout to Mikayla and Caitlin for basically strong arming me into buying this yarn instead of letting me continue to fret and change my mind a billion more times.

My whole ensemble made me feel like some ethereal fae being.

I can't even put into words how incredible I felt.

We won't talk about the amount of sweat going on with all these layers, though...

We also won't discuss the fact that I put in FIFTEEN HUNDRED BLOODY BEADS INTO THIS THING!

Because why do something easy when I can be Extra As Fuck?

Let's be honest, it wouldn't have been a properly Ashtan-ed shawl without the beads.

And the dramatic poses.

Okay, I've prattled on enough about literally the best thing I've ever made, so I'll leave you off with one more glamour shot.

Have a happy holidays, y'all.

If you want to get me something nice, my Kofi and PayPal Links are below.

<3

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A Quiet Pause

This is it.

The last breath before the chaos.

I'm sitting here in the library, curled up on the loveseat, with Bee at my side.

Cozy in my Gryffindor sweater, I'm drinking tea sweetened with honey I helped harvest.

It's snowing.

It's so quiet.

Watching the snow swirl through the light from the street lamps is mesmerizing and so utterly calming.

I feel the tension that has been strung through me for weeks start to loosen and fade.

I can breathe again.

All will be well.

The Final Countdown

Welp, we're down to just a mere 8 days before the vow renewal.

And I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.

I feel like I have nothing under control, despite making checklist after checklist

I haven't even finished writing the damn thing.

Yep, that's right!

I haven't even finished like THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS WHOLE THING!

*sigh*

So instead of working things like I should be doing...

I started a new shawl.

Panic knitting is clearly the answer here, right?

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A Most Important Note

(Just FYI, I have full permission to share this.)

My most darling spouse has updated their pronouns to they/them and I will be using those going forward.

And for the record, darling...

I'm pretty dang proud of you.

And I can't wait to see what these changes will mean for your confidence and happiness in the future.

Love you, nerd.

<3