Commitment

So, as you know, it's been my intention to complete a shawl every month this year.

Yes, I know that this is a rather lofty and ridiculous goal, but it's one I've been full comitted to doing. At this point I've completely finished 6 shawls.

That is a lot of yarn, time, and energy. An utterly ridiculous amount, really.

There have been points in doing this that  I've wanted to give up, to stop, to work on anything else. June's shawl, Kelp, was almost my breaking point. I didn't really enjoy making it all that much. I did it to keep up with my committment.

This month I started working on Mermaid Lair, the one you lovely people helped me choose. And it soon became apparent that I was going to be faced with a real dilema.

I knew that it had some beading, but I thought it was mostly in the edging. Well, I was really, really wrong. The entire thing is heavily beaded. From start to finish. Making this impossible for me to do in such a short amont of time.

I mean, I could try, but I KNOW that it wouldn't turn out well. I'd literally only be able to do this this month and not be able to work on anything else, which isn't exactly ideal. Most months I've been able to get the shawl done in a relatively short amount of time, leaving me time to do other things, like painintg, or reading, or gaming. This is Ren Faire month and I have a TON of work to do for costumes.

I also have the option of just not doing the beads at all, or only doing a small amount of them. But this yarn is amazing, and the pattern breathtaking. With the beads added into the mix, I really think that this shawl could be the most magnificent one I've done.

Am I really willing to compromise on this just in the name of some lofty ambitions?

Most of you are shouting at the screen, telling me to just take the time I need, make it pretty, that I'll probably have it done in less time than I think.

you're right, and that's what I'm planning ong doing. Turning this into a two-month project rather than just one.

But I want you to understand what this is costing me mentally and emotionally. This was a very difficult decison to make. I feel like I'm not just letting myself down, but you as well. That somehow, you'll all be a little dissapointed that I couldn't stick with this goal.

I can't help but beat myself up a bit, telling myself that if I were a better knitter, I could do this no problem. That by breaking this commitment, I am somehow less trustworthy now.

Ridiculous, yes, but this is what happens when you live with demons in your head.

Well, enough prattling on about this. I've told you what I'm doing, so I guess it's time to work on it.

Yep, just me and this ball of yarn the size of my head for the next two months.

Let's do this.