A Year

Around this time last year, I managed to finish both a pair of socks and an entire fully-beaded shawl for the Ravellenic games. A pretty impressive feat, I might add.

John was kind enough to take the photographs for me. I even took a couple of artsy shots of me wearing it, not realizing at the time that one of those photos was going to lead to something life changing.

So I knew that this month's shawl had to be special. I wanted to revisit that shawl and talk about just how much a year can change a person.

I guess the most noticeable change is that my hair is a little more... green... than it was.

Weird thing to start off with, huh?

But really, it's more representative of the overall transformation of my looks and style. I've always struggled with having any sort of sense of self-worth. I could honestly say that for the majority of my life, I've hated myself. I never wanted to be me. Always someone else.

But once I started dating Jamie, those feelings started to change. I started becoming more sure of myself, more confident. Sure, at first I dyed my hair purple and started wearing bold makeup to somehow make myself more appealing to her. But instead I found that it was really the look I had been wanting for myself for a very long time. I was just too timid to chase after it.

And you know what? I really, REALLY like this new Ashtan. It's one of the greatest gifts ever given to me, in all honesty. This sense of self-worth, and confidence, and finally loving ME!

I really don't know if I would have reached this point without Jamie.

I also don't know if I would have reached this level of mental stability without her, either. I feel like I'm much more capable of handling my anxiety now. The panic attacks still happen, but not nearly as frequently as before. And the depression days don't seem to last quite as long.

Having someone like Jamie in my life, someone whom I'm close to, and who understands exactly what it's like to live with the brain demons... it's made me feel so less alone. I'm no longer struggling in the darkness. There's someone walking beside me now, holding my hand.

A year of loving her, of having her in my life, has changed me entirely for the better. And I know it may seem a little strange to talk so much about myself in what is supposed to be a post celebrating Jamie and I's relationship. But, frankly, I can't think of any better way to tell someone just how much you love them and how important they are to you than by saying exactly how much you've changed because of them.

So, happy 1 year, my love. And thank you. For my heart, my courage, and my mind. For being by my side. For loving me.

For everything.