These are 100% scientifically proven to produce the best, most beautifully blocked shawl.**
But you have to follow the directions exactly as written. No substitutions! No adding your own dramatic flare (unless otherwise noted). Just follow step by step and you'll have the bestest and most beautiful shawl (or other knit item) ever!***
Without further ado, I give you Ashtan's 100% Definitive Absolute Best Guide to Blocking*
1. Wake up.
Spend at least 15 minutes laying with your face in the pillow, cursing the Day Star.
Spend another 15 minutes on your phone, catching up on the 'grams. (That's Instagram for the not-as-cool people, or so I'm told)
2. Forget to grab the shawl out of the basket beside your bed and get halfway down the stairs before remembering. Go back and grab it.
3. Toss shawl on bathroom counter because at this point you've waited too long and you just might pee yourself if you don't go RIGHT NOW!
Do some more social media browsing even though you're done, but you just don't want to stand up yet.
4. WASH HANDS THOROUGHLY! YES, YOU IN THE BACK WHO USUALLY SKIPS IT! WASH! THOSE! HANDS!
5. Time to bathe! You, the shawl, your entire bathroom floor... because let's be honest, you're messy as fuck, even when you're cleaning.
Make sure that the water isn't too hot or too cold. Take like a solid 2 minutes fiddling with the knob because you still aren't use to this new one handle system.
Add your smelly-good of choice (lavender eucalan is my choice). Pour in a capful, then add some more because you're never actually sure if there's enough in there?
Agitate the water as you fill the tub, making sure to get M A X I M U M B U B B L A G E
6. Add the baby to the bathwater. Lower it in gently! You don't want to startle it.
Swish it s l o w l y in the water because the motion and feel of doing so is super relaxing.
7. THIS NEXT STEP IS COMPLETELY NOT OPTIONAL! IF YOU WANT TO UNLOCK ALL OF THE POTENTIAL OF THIS SHAWL YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!
Imagine yourself as a medieval peasant woman, washing her clothes in the stream, worrying that the harvest will see you through the winter.
Lose yourself in a internal rabbit hole of how absolutely awful the feudal system was, make comparisons to modern day equivalents, and wonder if watching Galavant for a 6th time all the way though would really be the best choice for the rest of the day?
Realize that you've just been sitting here, swishing this shawl in the water for 5 minutes...
8. Try to take an artful photo of the shawl as it's sitting in the water.
Realize this is impossible because there is NO FIRGGIN LIGHTING IN THIS ROOM.
Try anyway.
Get annoyed even more.
Still shove the picture in the blog post you're writing about this adventure.
9. Walk away. You have to. You cannot just sit here and stare at the damn thing in the water. You know you never let it soak enough. Go! Go on! Go open the curtains, feed the carpet, sweep the cats! Something, ANYTHING to keep you away long enough to actually let this thing take a proper bath.
Hey! HEY! I SAID TO LEAVE IT ALONE! STOP! SWISHING!
HEY! How about you got start to write a blog post about this, huh? Doesn't that sound nice? Mmhmm! Go on, now! Go write your little post!
10. Get really meta with this guide. Don't just break the 4th wall! Tear it down! Destroy it!
11. Write another step to keep yourself from going and messing with the shawl in the tub. It's lunchtime. Maybe go have a sandwich to keep yourself busy?
12. Acquire food. YOU MAY INSERT YOUR LUNCH OF CHOICE HERE!
Eat the food.
Enjoy the food.
Become one with the food.
(You messed with the shawl, didn't you? I heard the splash!)
13. NOW YOU CAN MESS WITH THE SHAWL!
Go GENTLY take it out of the water.
Grasp it firmly in your hand.
Squeeze the
14. Look around for a clean towel.
Realize that all the clean ones are in the basement.
Decide that your spouse's hair towel will work just fine.
Wrap the shawl tightly in a towel.
Take a picture of the new addition in your family.
15. Argue with Bedroom Cat over where she's going to lay because you need the bed.
Roll your eyes and call her an ungrateful brat as she settles on the dog bed with a huff.
Remove the top 30 layers of blanket from the bed since there's no gatdamn cushioning on the stupid thing.
16. Unroll the burrito and toss the shawl on the bed.
Try to get the middle of the shawl as close to the middle of the bed as possible.
Fail miserably.
Say fuck it and move on to the actual pinning.
17. Do the thing PROPERLY.
Bust out the tape measure and make sure each point is the same length.
Greatly overestimate how much this thing can stretch.
Start over.
18. Get halfway through pinning out the points and wonder if a teardrop shawl shape would be in style.
19. Swear at, cajole, beg, and plead with your garment to let you tug the last few pins into place.
Swear even more when pins keep popping out of place.
Get that last fucking pin in place and step back.
20. Decide to do one final measurement of everything \.
Realize that you need to stretch some pins a little bit further.
Readjust Every. Single. Pin.
21. You're done for now.
Walk away and let that fucker dry.
22. Have a drink.
Take a shower.
Try not to run back upstairs every 10 minutes to make sure all the pins haven't popped out.
23. Eventually forget it's up there until right before your spouse needs to go to bed, then hurriedly unpin the thing.
Immediately throw around your shoulders, trying to figure out how you're going to wear it.
Have a mini fashion show.
Ask spouse to take some quick pictures, forcing them to stay up even later.
24. Fold up your newly finished shawl.
Smile at it fondly.
Toss it into the basket of finished projects and immediately cast on your next project.
And that's it! That's all it takes!
Hope this guide has been helpful!
<3 <3 <3
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*Based on your author's own opinion
**No studies have been able to actually show this to be true
***Subject to personal opinion
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This pretty much my tried and true method also minus the cat. I only the step where I make sure that there are no pin escapees to either roll over or step on since my language is already colorful enough.
ReplyDeleteMissed you last night. Look forward to to seeing this shawl in person. Maybe next month?
You are wiser than I am because I never do the pin check. XD
DeleteYeah, we're planning on being there next month. Things just got busy and stressful and I really needed to just stay home and rest.