June Bugged

June's shawl is done.

...

This is the part where I'm supposed to wax all poetic about how amazing it is and how wonderful it was to knit and how I can't wait to wear it, right?

...

Yeah, that ain't happening this month.

I did finish the knitting portion of my Gryffindor bag early on, but I'm not entirely happy with it.

As for shawls, I actually attempted to start or finish three different ones this month.

I thought VooDoo would be perfect because I wanted to wear it for Ren Faire next month.

But I didn't really want to do something beaded.

So I thought Mystic Star would be a good one to finish.

But I didn't think I'd actually be able to finish it in time.

So I picked up Gilded Age again.

But this one was boring AF to work on.

So, frustrated beyond belief and freaking out since it was already the middle of June, I grabbed a couple of skeins of Malabrigo Rios worsted weight and started the first free pattern I could find.

Which happened to be Kelp.

I cast on, muddled my way through the (rather unhelpful, in my opinion) directions, and just kept knitting.

I knit on the way to Origins.

I knit at Origins.

I knit near. I knit far.

I even knit at a bar.

I finally finished the body...

And ended up having to improvise the damn ruffled edge.

Then I did a picot bind-off that took me, not even kidding, a whole damn day.

AND I ALMOST RAN OUT OF YARN!

But finally...

It was done.

Blocking was relatively easy. I just kind of pulled the garter stitch points down and let the edge just kind of fall where it wanted to.

But somehow, someway, this shawl didn't "Ashtan"

Yep.

It's not big. It's not excessive. There wasn't any mid-project crisis. I didn't really change the pattern.

It is a pretty shawl, don't get me wrong.

I love the ruffled edge.

And I love the color variation in this.

But...

This shawl is clearly not for me.

It needs to be given to someone who will love and appreciate it.

I needed to make it, and it fulfilled that purpose.

But it's also taught me that I'm not going to love every single thing I make. Some stuff I'm going to be able to let go of freely and clearly, without the slightest hint of remorse.

And that's perfectly okay.

So thanks, Kelp, for teaching me so much. I hope you make your recipient much happier than what we could have had.

As for me, I think after the torture...

... it's time for a treat.

Glams and Games

I FINALLY am feeling up to chronicling the past couple of weeks, because, jesums, they've been a doozy.

Note to self: multiple people-heavy events two weekends in a row are going to completely drain all your spell slots.

Rather than trying to cram it all in at one time, I'll be kind enough to break it into a couple of posts.

First off, we need to go clear back to the weekend of the 16th. I know, I know, it's hard. You can't even remember what you had for dinner last night, but I believe in you!

Anyway, that weekend John and I had planned on going to Origins Game Fair in Columbus. It's become an annual tradition. And every year we swear that we're going to go for a few days, and it always turns into, "we're broke AF, guess it's just Saturday."

Enter my mom and her boyfriend. He had enough points built up in some reward system that he asked us if we wanted a free hotel room for the night. It was a belated anniversary present.

Uhh, yes please and thank you.

So John and I decided to go down to Columbus whenever we liked on Friday and then spend all day Saturday at Origins. We were hoping to go to the Pride festival and do some swimming. I also wanted to hit up Yarn It & Haberdashery.

But of course, this is us we're talking about. Nothing ever goes to plan.

First, we ended up leaving suuuppppper late, as per usual. We had to take Al to my mom's and then run a couple of small errands (like getting new swim trunks for the Supreme Butt Face).

We FINALLY started heading to Columbus in the early afternoon. We were supposed to arrive around 4, right when check-in would be. Perfect, right? We'd swim for a bit, get some food, meet Kayla at Pride... Sounds like a great friggin day.

Well, of course that's not what happened. There ended up being an accident RIGHT ON THE DAMNED EXIT WE NEEDED! Add in rush hour traffic on a Friday. We weren't going anywhere. And... we both had to use the bathroom.

We ended up getting off at the first exit we could find, looking desperately for somewhere we could use the bathroom and kill some time. Ended up stopping at a ToysRUs and proceeded to utterly destroy the restroom my god it had been hours and it was terrible *ahem* take care of business.

I felt bad about just using the bathroom and leaving, so I bought a friend.

This is Rupert.

I also bought some stuff so John and I could have an epic party in the hotel later.

Yes, I'm an adult, why do you ask?

We didn't end up getting to the hotel until 7:30, turning a quick 2 hour drive into a nearly 5 hour long purgatory. It really just shows the strength of John and I's marriage that we weren't at each other's throats by then.

So we decided to skip Pride, and just focus on swimming and relaxing in the room.

We knew we were getting a suite, but we certainly weren't expecting this level of swank.

Like, the bathroom was bigger than our bedroom at home. Mind. Blown.

I honestly felt a little guilty that we'd only be here for such a short amount of time.

We decided to head straight for the pool, only to discover much to our horror, there was a youth baseball team also staying in the hotel. And they were currently attempting to break out all the windows with their screaming in the pool.

Holy fucking nightmares, Batman.

We turned right back around and headed to the room.

At 9:30, we decided to go check again and lo, just a single family! We could deal with that.

So, we got to swim for 5 minutes before a dozen screeching demons all came flying into the room and dove right in, with no thought or care of any of the little ones in the pool.

They were screaming so loudly my ears were literally ringing. John and I were SCREAMING to try and talk to one another, but to no avail. We had to resort to hand gestures.

Needless to say, we left, throwing many a dirty look at the parents who were ignoring the steaming piles of human excrement that they referred to as their "children."

Yes, the parents were there and not doing a damn thing.

*sigh*

That's a rant for another day.

Anyway, we both hopped in the massive shower to clean the chlorine off and relax for a bit. I mean, there was a seat in there. I wanted to just spend the night in the shower, but John's a killjoy and wouldn't let me.

Dinner was the next goal and having such a fancy kitchen to work with, I felt like I had to cook something, but John argued that we were on vacation and I should get a break. So we compromised and made an easy-peasy dinner of sandwiches and trifles.

And yes, we poured our non-alcoholic beverages into the fancy wine glasses.

Look at that sweet layering action right there.

We busted out all the party stuff, too.

It was lit AF, yo.

We went to bed rather early (I think it was before 1?) and slept peacefully through the night...

Or not. Because I'm someone with IBS and anxiety. I got treated to a *lovely* panic attack at 4am. Not one of the super bad ones, but still pretty bad. Add in that I woke up in a pool of sweat from being overheated, and yeah, it was a rough night.

I told John to wake me back up at 7:30 because I really wanted to try for a morning swim while he had breakfast.

Well, he didn't.

Instead, he let me sleep until 9am, and then I got treated to another panic attack because "ohmygodIonlyhavetwohourstogetreadyandIknowI'mgoingtobestuckinthebathroomforawhileandyoustillwanttoeatandohmygoddddddddd"

He ended up going down for breakfast while I got ready to go. We managed to check out just a couple minutes past 11, after unsuccessfully trying to stuff the dishwasher in the suitcase.

Side note: I was proud of my super fast, crappy lighting makeup.

And yes, I made the necklace myself just for Pride.

Made one for Kayla, too!

Not bad for just using supplies I had on hand.

We'd already decided to go to Yarn It before Origins because they were having their 3rd anniversary sale. It wasn't far from the hotel, so off we went.

I got treated to an amazing gift bag with all sorts of goodies inside just for walking in the door.

And I decided on some FaerieGrl yarn as my souvenir skein. It's this gorgeous grey with an uber soft rainbow dyed into it.

Totes in love with it.

By the time we made it Origins, the Columbus Pride Parade was in full swing. We managed to find a break and run across the street to get to the convention center. But not before I stopped and grabbed a quick pic.

I wish I could have gotten a better one showing off the mass of people that were heading up the street. It was overwhelming and inspiring.

We finally, finally, FINALLY made it into Origins and John was a happy camper.

We took a pic with our favorite Boss Monster mascot.

I bought a crown.

Took a pic with a cutie.

And walked around the entire convention working on June's shawl.

AND I DIDN'T BREAK MY NEEDLES THIS YEAR!!!

I even managed to find a sheep.

This was just my swag from the convention.

Since this is so long, I won't go into any detail about what I got. But if you have questions, I'll answer in the comments.

We left finally left Columbus around 7 and headed home. The drive back was mostly uneventful (aside from nearly running out of gas and having to stop once just to wash bugs off the windshield...).

When we walked in the door, we were promptly ran over by the various fur babies who must have missed us terribly.

I mean, I wasn't even allowed to pee without a few of them pushing open the door and trying to get affection.

I'll spare you the pic and just leave you with this one instead.

All in all, it was a fun, if exhausting weekend. And I'm already looking forward to next year. I might be recovered by then.

Slowed

I'm not tired.

I'm not. It's nearly 1am and I've been working on a gargantuan creative writing project since 10am. I need a break and to focus on something else. So I pull out my knitting and start watching Critical Role.

*****

It's nearly 5am and I think I might be tired. I know if I stay up any longer, there's going to be hell to pay. So I go to bed.

*****

John wakes me up at 8 to say goodbye. I wake up nearly screaming. The panic is so overwhelming. I can't think. I can't talk. If John had been closer when waking me, I may have punched him out of fear. I stutter out a goodbye after trying to assure him that I'll be okay. Afterall, I'd only been asleep for 3 hours. Surely that's why I feel like this.

I try to slow my breathing, slow my heart, and eventually exhaustion overtakes me.

*****

I wake back up at 10, I think.

Maybe 10:30?

I'm not sure.

I just know that I feel a heaviness to my limbs. And to my chest. My brain isn't responding very well. Things feel slow.

At first it just feels like the usual morning fog. It should clear once I actually start moving. I should just be grateful that I'm not panicking again.

But the fog doesn't clear. It feels like my head is just full of mud. And I feel the familiar pull of despair. The monster in my brain is back.

*****

I do my best to force myself to do something, anything.

I try knitting some on my shawl. It takes everything in me to do 2 rows. My hands don't want to respond. I give up.

I lay down in the bed, computer beside me, trying to distract myself. Endless scrolling through facebook and reddit. I have to reread things multiple times for them to make sense.

Inside my head, a fuzzy sound is ever-present. Like someone left a radio on to static. Everything sounds like it's coming from far away. Even my thoughts. They have to try and find their way through the fog cloud the monster has unleashed.

I desperately need a shower.

*****

It's sometime before noon. 

I'm aware of pain in two spots. 

One in my stomach. One a little lower. 

Have I even used the bathroom today? How can I forget to pee? 

I tell myself to get up and do that. And to shower. I'm a disgusting mess. 

I can't. What's the point?

I sink further into the bed. And into my despair.

*****

It's sometime after noon. 

I've given up on the shower. But I need food. I'm aware of being hungry. I'm aware of feeling sick from not eating. 

I text Jamie, trying to give myself some accountability. If I tell someone that I'm going to do something, I should do it, right? I also don't want to be lectured. Doing the thing avoids the lecture. 

I finally crawl out of bed. I finally use the bathroom. One pain gone.

I try to talk to Alex. Try to tell her it's bad day and I'm not mad at her. The words are hard to say. My voice sounds harsh to my own ears. I don't know if she understands.

I look for something for lunch. I can't cook. It has to be cold. I don't even have the energy to operate a microwave. 

Cold chicken. 

Stale bread. 

Swiss cheese? How old is it? 

I don't know. I can't remember. 

I make a sandwich. 

Some chips? The ball of mozzarella John bought me?

It's not balanced, but it's food. 

I eat it. It all feels like ash in my mouth.

*****

It's sometime in the early afternoon.

I'm watching Critical Role. I'm aware that I'm laughing. And smiling. But I don't feel it. It's a mechanical motion, laughing because the people on screen are laughing.

I still haven't showered. I haven't brushed my teeth.

My entire body aches. My brain is creating real, physical pain.

Why? Why is this part of the monster?

I can't feel anything else, but I sure as hell feel this.

I keep watching.

*****

John comes home. Which means it has to be after 6. 

When did that happen?

The fog feels thinner. I can hear a bit better. 

I'm still filthy. Still disgusting. I can't let him touch me. 

But he speaks gently. He asks what I need. I tell him a shower. I need to feel clean. Maybe I can wash my brain while I'm at it.

He fixes the curtain, lays down the floor towel. I pause for a brief moment to just lean against him. He hugs me, despite the fact that I probably smell like death. 

He takes care of the dogs while I bathe. Prepares the kitchen for me to make dinner. We had bought food the night before specifically for tonight. It doesn't take much effort on my part. I think I can do it.

He washes and wraps the potatoes and puts them in the oven. Then he comes in the bathroom and keeps me company. 

I get out and comb my hair. I brush my teeth. I feel better. The fog is thinner still.

*****

It's sometime after 7.

I'm making dinner. It smells good. I want to eat. I think I'll be able to taste it now.

I even made dessert for us all.

I talk with John. It's hard at first, but it gets easier as I go. My mouth remembers how to make the words. I occasionally go lean against him, taking a moment to just feel safe. To feel grounded. To gather strength.

We sit down in the dining room, me at the computer desk, John at the table. I can't face going upstairs again right now. I need to be upright. 

I keep watching Critical Role while I eat. 

I actually laugh and smile. 

I can feel inside. It's still slow, a little dulled, but it's there.

*****

It's sometime after 10. 

Jamie wants to know if we can video chat for awhile. She's missed my face.

We do. 

I laugh, long, loudly, and fully. 

We make jokes.

Kate and I annoy Jamie with shitty puns.

The fog is gone.

*****

It's Wednesday. 

I wake up feeling okay.

But I know I need to rest.

It feels like after you injure yourself. You're afraid if you move too fast or the wrong way, the pain will come rushing back.

I'm scared the fog will come rushing in again. I don't want to live through days of it. 

So I rest.

I knit. I watch more Critical Role. I work on my creative writing a bit.

I still feel okay when John comes home.

*****

It's Thursday. 

I wake up feeling fine. 

I actually feel rested.

I may even feel happy.

I know the fog is going to return sometime. It always does. 

But for now, it seems to have gone back to prowling on the edges of my brain.

*****

Today is for writing. Today is for planning. Today is for catching up.

Today is for telling about my recent war. 

Today is for living.