Regret

I'm fidgety today.

I'm anxious.

I can't sit still.

I can't distract myself.

And I'm feeling a whole hell of a lot of regret.

I made a mistake.

In my mind, a huge one.

The facebook posts are flooding in. I've seen the messages, the pictures, everyone wearing their stickers. The banners around profile pictures proclaiming that this person did their civic duty.

I don't get to join in on any of that.

Because I didn't vote.

In fact, I'm not even registered to do so.

Once upon a time, I was. But I just never bothered to update it when we moved. Or in the years since. Nor at any of the times I've been to the BMV to (once again) get my temps.

I have only ever voted once in my life. And that was in 2008.

It just never felt important enough.

Even with this election. At least at first.

I mean, look at Trump. Look at the vile things he has said. And done. Surely, surely there was no way he'd ever even have a serious shot at the presidency. Even if he was the Republican nominee.

So, I stuffed some wool in my ears and tried to ignore everything the best I could.

Sure, I laughed in utter disbelief as more and more shit piled up around Trump. The abuse allegations. The infamous "pussy grabbing" comments.

But it didn't matter if I didn't vote, right? There was no way he'd win.

The registration deadline drew closer and closer. And passed right by me.

And I've watched, utterly horrified, how the rabid, raging racists, bigots, and anti-feminists have come pouring out of the woodwork to support this monster.

I could have done my part to help. I could have taken one goddamned second to say "yes" when asked if I'd like to be registered. And I would have spent all of 5 minutes at the polls today (that's how long it took my grandfather).

But I didn't.

And I am so, so sorry.

Earlier, I watched the livestream they have going on at Susan B. Anthony's grave. A woman born in 1917 was being interviewed. Yes, she was born before women could vote in this country.

She was a WWII veteran pilot. A retired business executive. Hearing her talk about how honored she was to be there, the opportunities she had now because of the women's suffrage movement... It broke me. It utterly broke me.

I can't help but feel like I betrayed everything I've ever stood for by refraining from voting today. How can I call myself a feminist when I completely shit on the very rights that my ancestors fought so hard to win for me and my fellow women?

So, now I'm dealing with all of those wonderful feelings of self-loathing and hatred for myself. And an overwhelming amount of anxiety because everything is up in the air right now.

This is it. There's no going back. And I have to live with whatever consequences come from today because I chose to be lazy and ignorant and did nothing to help.

So, please, please, PLEASE learn from my mistake. Get out there and vote if you can. Don't let my mistake be yours. Go. Get out there and stop this monster. Please.