Thanks Be

I don't currently have the brain capacity to write out a well-thought out and witty post. Have yourself a merry little list-mas.

1. I made two entire Thanksgiving dinners two days in a row. Stress nearly ended me and my marriage. But my turkey came out perfect, the ham was delicious, and everyone stuffed themselves silly. The problem is that now I have to cook for *every* holiday.

2. I had a glorious Friday night, though, with John, Vi, and Jamie (via skype). We laughed until we cried. My stomach actually hurt and I thought I was going to toss cookies. But I can't even begin to describe how much I needed it.

3. Saturday and Sunday were supposed to be my relaxing days. Well, Saturday was spent pretty much in the bathroom. Because my body finally broke from all the stress of the past month.

4. Today, however, I felt much better and actually had a productive day. We started cleaning and organizing the downstairs to prepare for the onslaught of Christmas decorations that I am about to unleash upon this place. We also decided to pack away all the useless fancy dinnerware in our built-ins in favor of turning it into a boardgame/D&D display cabinet. The house is starting to show signs of a bunch of nerds living here.

5. Speaking of Christmas, I'm doing an entirely new theme this year that I won't be unveiling until closer to Christmas. Which means even more projects that I can't share here, yet.

6. My stress levels will not be dropping anytime soon. I'm starting this next week by having to get up at 5:15am to take my grandma to her doctor appointment. And she's got two therapy appointments. And there's a pj party that I may or may not attend Friday. And dinner with my mom on Saturday. Plus, having to go buy supplies for the house at some point.

7. It's really hard to not just jump on a bus and head straight back to Athens until after Christmas.

8. I'll leave you with my little Instagram thankfulness post.

Decided to jump on the #thankfulness train. I'm thankful for the two people who love me the most in the world. I'm thankful for all of my friends, and would require many, many more posts to get them all. I'm thankful for my sisters who have always been there through thick and thin, though more often than not, I'm the one supporting them. :P I'm thankful for the family I have that love and try to understand me. I'm thankful for all of my kids, feathered and furred. And I'm thankful for this creative ability in me that seems to manifest itself into wonderful things in a wide variety of mediums. #thankful #poly #love #family #knit #knitting #knittersofinstagram #knitter #bookbinding #crafter

A photo posted by Ashtan Albright (@ageeksgirl08) on Nov 27, 2016 at 9:05am PST

Balance

Up to Canton.

Down to Bolivar.

Back to Canton. Two days in a row.

Over to Carrollton.

Down to the school for a whole day to help grandma out.

A small breath on Saturday.

More work with grandma.

A funeral.

A minor procedure for mom.

And then one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life.

I took the first solo trip of my life to Athens, three hours away from home.

The first time I've been this far away for this long. The longest I've been away from John since fall of 2009.

I took a bus for the first time for something other than a school trip.

I left on a day that John was working, so he couldn't see me off. I had to deal with the panic alone that morning.

I almost called off the trip a dozen times. Especially when I spent two nights in a row throwing up.

But I didn't.

I pushed through it because I knew that waiting for me on the other side of that trip was someone I loved very much and hadn't seen in a month. Someone who understands my panic and hesitation and knew that it wasn't about them.

I got on that bus. And three hours later when we pulled up to the station, I was so happy and proud.

I've had an absolutely lovely time. I finally got to meet Kate. We all went to see Fantastic Beasts together the Thursday that I got here. (Sidenote, go see it. Right now. It's absolutely everything you could hope for.)

Friday was spent wandering around Athens and Pokemon hunting. We ate lunch at Union Street Diner, where my burger viciously attacked me, but damnit, it was delicious.

It ended up being an absolutely beautiful day.

OU has an absolutely gorgeous campus and I really enjoyed walking around it.

I was a little sad when Jamie wouldn't let me catch a real life pokemon, though. It was the one called a... squirrel, I think? It looked like it was from one of the newer generations.

We also got to take over a gym in PoGo. And filled it appropriately.

 

Yes, we're both Team Instinct. Why do you ask? 

We met up with Kate again and got ice cream from a place called Whit's. It was quite delicious. Afterwards, Kate and I ditched Jamie for a few minutes so we could actually spend some time getting to know one another better. 

That's Kate's cat, Kat. She's a talker, man.

The temperature dropped a whopping 40 degrees between Friday and Saturday, which was utterly delightful to me, but absolutely horrifying for Jamie. So, we lazed about until we both were hungry enough to go in search of food. We ended up at Bagel Street Deli, which has been my favorite place so far. 

Turkey on an asiago bagel with cream cheese, avocado, and sprouts. Isn't it just beautiful?

I had been craving coffee all day, so we went to Donkey Coffee. The mocha was okay, but I am going to be a loyalist snob and say that Mugswiggz is better.

We hung out there for a bit and popped a lure at the Pokestop. It was nice to just sit and enjoy one another's company.

When we left, my heart nearly exploded with joy. It was snowing. My wonderful, lovely, beautiful snow. Yes, I giggled and just watched it. Yes, I cried a bit. And Jamie looked at me like I had grown three heads. But it was absolutely wonderful.

We headed back to Jamie's place before they froze to death. The rest of the day was spent playing video games. Jamie talked me into downloading an emulator for my laptop so I could play some of the older Pokemon games. Currently working my way through Leaf Green, which is pretty damn fun.

And that brings us to today.

The original plan was for me to go home tomorrow. But I'm going home early.

In fact, John's driving all the way down here to pick me up. Because I don't think I can handle another bus trip.

As much fun as I had, I also struggled. It's easy to gloss over the bad parts and just pretend everything was sunshine and roses.

But it wasn't. I had panic attacks. I had moments where I felt like the whole world was going to fall out from under me. I was tired. I was bitchy. I wanted to just come right back home the first night.

I missed out on a chance to meet someone who was in Akron just for this weekend.

But through Jamie and John's reassurance, and my own damn stubbornness, I made it this far. And I'm really, really proud of myself.

It's easy for me to feel right now that I failed. That because I'm giving up and going home early, I somehow managed to ruin an entire trip.

But that's not true at all. I did make it down here. I did stay for 4 whole days. I managed to make it though and actually have fun. I got to stay with someone I absolutely adore. I took my first tiny step towards being more independent and self-reliant.

I am so happy to be heading home. But I'm so sad to be leaving here.

Positives and negatives.

Joy and anxiety.

Confidence and self-doubt.

Everything is just a balancing act in the end.

Cact-i Don't Know What Happened

This post is going to be absolutely punishing.

Seriously, you'll be on pins and needles.

Though I should forewarn you that you'll knit find anything wool related in this post.

Okay, I'm done being a prick and I'll get to the point.

Cactuses.

Or Cacti.

Whatever you prefer.

I suddenly seem to have developed a fondness for them.

It's starting to border on obsession.

Let me explain.

Last Thursday, I was having a terrible morning filled with anxiety. My hands were aching for something to do to try and get my mind off of things. I didn't think knitting would be a good idea since the only things I had to work on at the moment require full concentration and a relaxed hand.

So I looked around for something, anything else. I mean, I have dabbled in a multitude of crafts. There had to be one that would work for me at the moment. I ended up deciding on watercolor painting. I mean, if my hands wouldn't stop shaking, I could just call the resulting mess "abstract art."

The problem was what the hell should I even try and make?

I attempted to make a recreation of a night sky and that... well, saying it didn't work is probably the kindest thing.

So, I sat there, wracking my brain trying to come up with something.

Apparently, "cactus" was the answer I had been looking for.

For my first attempt, I made this.

It was really just a practice piece, seeing as I haven't worked much with watercolors before. But it was a lot of fun. So much so that I really wanted to keep making more. But what the heck was I going to do with a bunch of cactus watercolors on full size pieces of paper?

So, I pulled out my Artist Trading Cards and went to town. (For those of you who don't know, ATC are 2.5x3.5 inches.)

This was the first one I did. Yes, that is an inexplainable, ridiculous amount of pretty, dangly nonsense hanging around it.

I decided to do a set of three total, then, all with different metallics.

The silver one. 

And, my favorite, is my copper one. Copper is my favorite metal, so I *may* have put a little more effort in this one.

I also did a set of three succulents. Mixed metals this time.

And, damnit, I just want to keep making more! 

The problem is, where I am I going to hang up all of these now?!

Uhhh.... 

Anyone want a cactus? Help me feed my addiction?

Regret

I'm fidgety today.

I'm anxious.

I can't sit still.

I can't distract myself.

And I'm feeling a whole hell of a lot of regret.

I made a mistake.

In my mind, a huge one.

The facebook posts are flooding in. I've seen the messages, the pictures, everyone wearing their stickers. The banners around profile pictures proclaiming that this person did their civic duty.

I don't get to join in on any of that.

Because I didn't vote.

In fact, I'm not even registered to do so.

Once upon a time, I was. But I just never bothered to update it when we moved. Or in the years since. Nor at any of the times I've been to the BMV to (once again) get my temps.

I have only ever voted once in my life. And that was in 2008.

It just never felt important enough.

Even with this election. At least at first.

I mean, look at Trump. Look at the vile things he has said. And done. Surely, surely there was no way he'd ever even have a serious shot at the presidency. Even if he was the Republican nominee.

So, I stuffed some wool in my ears and tried to ignore everything the best I could.

Sure, I laughed in utter disbelief as more and more shit piled up around Trump. The abuse allegations. The infamous "pussy grabbing" comments.

But it didn't matter if I didn't vote, right? There was no way he'd win.

The registration deadline drew closer and closer. And passed right by me.

And I've watched, utterly horrified, how the rabid, raging racists, bigots, and anti-feminists have come pouring out of the woodwork to support this monster.

I could have done my part to help. I could have taken one goddamned second to say "yes" when asked if I'd like to be registered. And I would have spent all of 5 minutes at the polls today (that's how long it took my grandfather).

But I didn't.

And I am so, so sorry.

Earlier, I watched the livestream they have going on at Susan B. Anthony's grave. A woman born in 1917 was being interviewed. Yes, she was born before women could vote in this country.

She was a WWII veteran pilot. A retired business executive. Hearing her talk about how honored she was to be there, the opportunities she had now because of the women's suffrage movement... It broke me. It utterly broke me.

I can't help but feel like I betrayed everything I've ever stood for by refraining from voting today. How can I call myself a feminist when I completely shit on the very rights that my ancestors fought so hard to win for me and my fellow women?

So, now I'm dealing with all of those wonderful feelings of self-loathing and hatred for myself. And an overwhelming amount of anxiety because everything is up in the air right now.

This is it. There's no going back. And I have to live with whatever consequences come from today because I chose to be lazy and ignorant and did nothing to help.

So, please, please, PLEASE learn from my mistake. Get out there and vote if you can. Don't let my mistake be yours. Go. Get out there and stop this monster. Please.