Erasing : Me : Redrawing : Myself : Finding : I

Another conversation took place last month in the online knitting community, this one on the use of the term "bistitchual" and how it can be considered bi-erasure.

A topic that I, as someone who identifies as bisexual, have a valid opinion on. So when I saw the discussions taking place... I kept silent.

This post isn't about that discussion.

No, this is about me and confronting myself. Forcing myself to actually take the time and unpack the thoughts and feelings I've had swirling in my head for years.

I've never felt like I belonged in the LGBTQIA community. No matter how many memes and pictures and articles and affirmations I share, I have never felt queer enough to belong. 

From the outside, my primary relationship looks like a cisgender, heteronormative one. And most people don't know we're poly. So even though I have a girlfriend, everyone just assumes I'm a straight woman married to a straight man. 

And because I didn't really figure out my sexuality until John and I had been together for a while, I never went through the whole "experimentation phase." I didn't deal with being in the closet my whole childhood and adolescence. I was 19 when my brain suddenly lit up and went, "Girls? Yes, girls. We like them, too."

I actually remember the moment it happened, too. It was December 17th, 2010. John and I were laying in bed together in our second apartment, watching Lar DeSouza, one of our favorite comic artists, work on a new pin-up design. 

It was a female Krampus piece. And something about her made my little heart just start a'beatin and a'flutterin. It was less like a bright light bulb going off and more like a tiny candle being lit. Not an earth shattering revelation, but something that I just accepted. Just an, "Oh, okay. This is who we are now." And at the time, I thought it didn't really matter since I was already in a committed relationship. 

As for family acceptance, it wasn't really a big deal. I think I may have casually mentioned it to my mom and grandparents. None of them had a problem with it. It was more just like, "Oh, okay." 

In regards to the rest of my family, it doesn't really matter. They have no dealings with my day to day life, so it's of no concern to them. I haven't gone out of my way to tell them, but I don't hide it either.

And my in-laws... since they dislike me already, I definitely have no interest in talking to them about my sexual orientation. Unless, of course, I really want to just piss them off. Which I'm not above doing.

Do you really need to ask about my friends? Almost all of them are queer themselves or allies. We're all wrapped up in this giant rainbow flag.

So, I've never really experienced the harassment and hate that so many others have. And though it's completely ridiculous and something I would chide someone else about, because I haven't "suffered" for my orientation, I don't feel like I am allowed to claim it. 

And it is SO HARD to get over that mindset.

I just recently started using the queer knitters hashtag on instagram and even doing that caused me anxiety. My brain started telling me that I was appropriating it. That I was going to be called out and publicly shamed because I wasn't "allowed" to use it. 

But I want to be more visible. I want to openly share my experiences. To let other bisexual people know that they're allowed to exist and be happy and be themselves. 

And to do that, I need to accept that I am queer enough. I am a part of the LGBTQIA community. I am allowed to claim that identity.

So, hi. My name is Ashtan and I am openly, unabashedly, and proudly bisexual. And I am enough.

Frustration Station

You ever have one of those mornings (okay, well, it was after noon when I woke up, but the point still stands) where you just get flooded with frustrating/overwhelming/upsetting news all in one go?

Yeah, that's how my day's started off, so instead of the more thought-provoking and serious topic I HAD wanted to talk about, you get a list post instead.

1. First and foremost, the guy who was fixing my phone has entirely disappeared. Kiosk is gone. The mall office can't even find him. So... we're out the $160 we paid for the part. At least he didn't have my phone, right?

2. I don't think I ever showed off the second Destination Yarn subscription color I got.

It's called Carnival in Venice. It's hard to see, but there's gold sparkle in it.

2. We went to Local Yarn Shop Day at Harps and Thistles yesterday and my makeup was looking pretty dang good,

3. I came home with two skeins of Malabrigo Mechita in Carnival.

Look familiar? It should. It's the same color from Carnival in the Castle that I made last September.

4. I also went out with Bethany yesterday for a bit of shopping and by far my favorite find was a washi tape organizer.

5. One of the very first cactuses I ever got, Prickles, ended up getting blown over from wind. When I went to put him back into the pot, the plant separated, so now I have Prickles and Pickles.

6. My snowflake aloe are looking super happy and healthy, which makes me so happy. I was worried about them when we first brought them home.

7. All my babies in the bedroom also seem to be pretty happy.

8. I started on the shawl I want to wear to Great Lakes Fiber Show.

Yes, it's something lacey and beaded. Because that's all I know how to do apparently.

9. I really don't have much else to say, so have a pet picture to take us out.

10. Wait, no, I lied. I redid my shrine to Henry, so have a pretty picture with all the candles lit up.

Okay, NOW I'm actually done. Toodles!

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Forgotten Corners

This month's KoGotP project takes us back to October of last year. I had started a Halloween themed Boo Knits shawl called Cobweb using a beautiful grey lace yarn and matte grey beads.

But...

I got bored with all the beading.

Listen, it was around 800 beads for the pattern as written. And you KNOW I never do it as written.

So it got put to the wayside until I found this gorgeous yellow dress in Torrid that I thought Cobweb would look gorgeous with.

And I was right.

The knitting itself wasn't hard. It was all knitting, no purling.

No, what gave me trouble was that for the first time ever, my gauge was smaller than the pattern called for. Which meant I had to repeat a bunch of the charts.

I had so many dang stitches on the needles, let me tell you. But I thought the worst of it was over. Just had to do a quick picot bind-off and I'd be done.

Wouldn't take more than a few hours, right?

Nope.

Two days.

Two. Damn. DAYS!

And the damn heat and sweat from my hands was felting the yarn as I went, making it even harder to actually do the friggin bindoff.

I *almost* put it in time out again.

But I didn't. I kept on going, cursing the whole while.

And I can't argue with the results. It was totally worth it.

Though I do wonder if I picked the right beads.

A lot of the other projects on Ravelry for this shawl have super shiny beads and bright colors, supposedly mimicking a beautiful web in the garden with the morning dew shimmering on it.

But that was too unicorn and candy rainbows for me. I thought instead of all the dirty, dusty cobwebs in the forgotten corners of a home, filled with all the little spider friends that are kind enough to eat the more bothersome bugs.

Maybe the matte beads were the best choice. You can only see them if you look closely, much like a small house spider.

Thought I *did* add one little bit of shine to my shawl.

Can you see him there, climbing down, looking for prey in his web?

This might be one of my favorite features I've ever added to a shawl.

I think I'll be favoring this one for quite a while.

Welp, guess it's time to cast on a new shawl!

*tosses Cobweb into the finished pile*

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Like my writing? Why don't you buy me a coffee!

You can do so through my ko-fi link HERE: ko-fi.com/blackgoatknitting

Or donate directly through my paypal HERE: https://www.paypal.me/blackgoatknitting

Diversity in Knitting

For the past three months, there's been a huge discussion about diversity and racism in the knitting community on instagram.

This article from Vox sums up the incidents that have sparked the initial discussions. I highly recommend taking a few minutes to read it now before coming back here.

Most of us would like to think that we are welcoming and inclusive to the BIPOC folxs (Black, Indigenous, and other People of Color) in our community, but from what I've learned over the past few months, that is not the case at all. We have inherent privileges and tendencies that actively shut out, silence, and hurt BIPOC.

The biggest eye-opener for me was when I became aware of this discussion going on and I realized that almost none of the fiber people I followed were BIPOC. It was pretty much all white women. All the people that instagram recommended me were also white.

I never even gave it a thought before. And what an example of privilege that is, never taking notice of such a glaring lack of representation in my feed.

It made me angry, at myself and at the inherent racism built into the algorithms of my social media.

So I started seeking out the people that instagram doesn't seem to think exist and found an absolute wealth of incredibly talented, smart, amazing people that had been sorely missing from my feed. People who have made me stop, think, open my eyes, and most importantly, listen.

That's what we as white fiber crafters should have been doing this whole time. Listen to the experiences of BIPOC. Listen when they tell us that something or someone is problematic. Listen when they call us out for mistakes we make. Listen when they offer to help us to learn, grow, and change our behavior for the better.

It's not easy or comfortable facing your racism and privilege. It SHOULDN'T be. It should make you uncomfortable and uneasy. But it should also make you want to do better. To learn and grow. To become a better ally and use your privilege and power to raise up and support BIPOC everywhere.

And that doesn't mean just saying that you support them and not putting any actions into those words. It means ACTIVELY using your voice to call out and stop racism where you see it, in both public and private.

It also means seeking out and supporting/buying from BIPOC-run businesses. There are SO MANY wonderful designers, dyers, and other folxs out there with incredible talent that we white people have been missing out on. And it's far past time that they were acknowledged and supported.

The last thing I want to leave you with before linking the resources I've found so far is to say this: white people, it's on US to seek out the resources to confront, learn from, and change our behaviors. It's not up to BIPOC folxs to take the mental, emotional, and physical labor to make us change. Respect them. Respect their spaces. If they have a Kofi or other donation link, consider sending them a donation. And if someone is willing to help educate you, thank them for their time, energy, and knowledge.

RESOURCES

A good starting place is the Me and White Supremacy Workbook by Layla Saad.

https://www.meandwhitesupremacybook.com/

It's completely free and I've heard great things about it. John and I are both planning on diving into it soon.

The Unfinished Object Project was started by some of the forefront people in the instagram discussion.

https://www.unfinishedobject.com/

It's a blog full of challenging and thought-provoking article relating to diversity and enacting change in the fiber community.

Jeanette Sloan has put together a list of BIPOC crafters and designers.

https://jeanettesloan.wordpress.com/poc-designers-crafters/

An article also from Jeanette entitled "Black People Do Knit."

http://www.jeanettesloandesign.com/black-people-do-knit.html