The 100% Definitive Absolute Best Guide to Blocking*

So, I finished up my Quiet Queers Craftalong project last night and I thought that maybe I'd take the time to write up The Best Guide to Blocking™.

These are 100% scientifically proven to produce the best, most beautifully blocked shawl.**

But you have to follow the directions exactly as written. No substitutions! No adding your own dramatic flare (unless otherwise noted). Just follow step by step and you'll have the bestest and most beautiful shawl (or other knit item) ever!***

Without further ado, I give you Ashtan's 100% Definitive Absolute Best Guide to Blocking*

1. Wake up.
Spend at least 15 minutes laying with your face in the pillow, cursing the Day Star.
Spend another 15 minutes on your phone, catching up on the 'grams. (That's Instagram for the not-as-cool people, or so I'm told)

2. Forget to grab the shawl out of the basket beside your bed and get halfway down the stairs before remembering. Go back and grab it.

3. Toss shawl on bathroom counter because at this point you've waited too long and you just might pee yourself if you don't go RIGHT NOW!
Do some more social media browsing even though you're done, but you just don't want to stand up yet.

4. WASH HANDS THOROUGHLY! YES, YOU IN THE BACK WHO USUALLY SKIPS IT! WASH! THOSE! HANDS!

5. Time to bathe! You, the shawl, your entire bathroom floor... because let's be honest, you're messy as fuck, even when you're cleaning.
Make sure that the water isn't too hot or too cold. Take like a solid 2 minutes fiddling with the knob because you still aren't use to this new one handle system.
Add your smelly-good of choice (lavender eucalan is my choice). Pour in a capful, then add some more because you're never actually sure if there's enough in there?
Agitate the water as you fill the tub, making sure to get M A X I M U M  B U B B L A G E

6. Add the baby to the bathwater. Lower it in gently! You don't want to startle it.
Swish it s l o w l y in the water because the motion and feel of doing so is super relaxing.


7. THIS NEXT STEP IS COMPLETELY NOT OPTIONAL! IF YOU WANT TO UNLOCK ALL OF THE POTENTIAL OF THIS SHAWL YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!
Imagine yourself as a medieval peasant woman, washing her clothes in the stream, worrying that the harvest will see you through the winter.
Lose yourself in a internal rabbit hole of how absolutely awful the feudal system was, make comparisons to modern day equivalents, and wonder if watching Galavant for a 6th time all the way though would really be the best choice for the rest of the day?
Realize that you've just been sitting here, swishing this shawl in the water for 5 minutes...

8. Try to take an artful photo of the shawl as it's sitting in the water.
Realize this is impossible because there is NO FIRGGIN LIGHTING IN THIS ROOM.
Try anyway.
Get annoyed even more.
Still shove the picture in the blog post you're writing about this adventure.

9. Walk away. You have to. You cannot just sit here and stare at the damn thing in the water. You know you never let it soak enough. Go! Go on! Go open the curtains, feed the carpet, sweep the cats! Something, ANYTHING to keep you away long enough to actually let this thing take a proper bath.
Hey! HEY! I SAID TO LEAVE IT ALONE! STOP! SWISHING!
HEY! How about you got start to write a blog post about this, huh? Doesn't that sound nice? Mmhmm! Go on, now! Go write your little post!

10. Get really meta with this guide. Don't just break the 4th wall! Tear it down! Destroy it!

11. Write another step to keep yourself from going and messing with the shawl in the tub. It's lunchtime. Maybe go have a sandwich to keep yourself busy?

12. Acquire food. YOU MAY INSERT YOUR LUNCH OF CHOICE HERE!
Eat the food.
Enjoy the food.
Become one with the food.

(You messed with the shawl, didn't you? I heard the splash!)

13. NOW YOU CAN MESS WITH THE SHAWL!
Go GENTLY take it out of the water.
Grasp it firmly in your hand.
Squeeze the life water out of it.

14. Look around for a clean towel.
Realize that all the clean ones are in the basement.
Decide that your spouse's hair towel will work just fine.
Wrap the shawl tightly in a towel.
Take a picture of the new addition in your family.

15. Argue with Bedroom Cat over where she's going to lay because you need the bed.
Roll your eyes and call her an ungrateful brat as she settles on the dog bed with a huff.
Remove the top 30 layers of blanket from the bed since there's no gatdamn cushioning on the stupid thing.

16. Unroll the burrito and toss the shawl on the bed.
Try to get the middle of the shawl as close to the middle of the bed as possible.
Fail miserably.
Say fuck it and move on to the actual pinning.

17. Do the thing PROPERLY.
Bust out the tape measure and make sure each point is the same length.
Greatly overestimate how much this thing can stretch.
Start over.

18. Get halfway through pinning out the points and wonder if a teardrop shawl shape would be in style.

19. Swear at, cajole, beg, and plead with your garment to let you tug the last few pins into place.
Swear even more when pins keep popping out of place.
Get that last fucking pin in place and step back.

20. Decide to do one final measurement of everything \.
Realize that you need to stretch some pins a little bit further.
Readjust Every. Single. Pin.

21. You're done for now.
Walk away and let that fucker dry.

22. Have a drink.
Take a shower.
Try not to run back upstairs every 10 minutes to make sure all the pins haven't popped out.

23. Eventually forget it's up there until right before your spouse needs to go to bed, then hurriedly unpin the thing.
Immediately throw around your shoulders, trying to figure out how you're going to wear it.
Have a mini fashion show.
Ask spouse to take some quick pictures, forcing them to stay up even later.

24. Fold up your newly finished shawl.
Smile at it fondly.
Toss it into the basket of finished projects and immediately cast on your next project.

And that's it! That's all it takes!

Hope this guide has been helpful!

<3 <3 <3
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*Based on your author's own opinion

**No studies have been able to actually show this to be true

***Subject to personal opinion

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The F Word

Let's get something straight here.

I am fat.

This is an objective fact.

I'm not "curvy" or "husky" or any of your other empty platitudes.

I am fat.

Don't tell me I'm not. And don't immediately follow it up with "you're beautiful!"

I. Am. Fat.

And I am beautiful.

One does not preclude the other.

My body is large and round and soft.

It has carried me through nearly 29 years of existence.

It has been broken. And hurt. And told over and over again that it's somehow worth less than someone who has a smaller body.

My body requires more fabric to clothe it.

And as a knitter, a maker of things, I have had to learn how to change and adapt my craft to accommodate me.

Because designers don't care to include people with bodies like mine in their works.

So when you marvel at how easily I seem to be able to magically make what I want appear off my needles, know that it's from years of tears and frustration and looking longingly in the distance at the straight sized bodies on parade with their perfectly fitted garments.

I don't love my body every day.

Sometimes I hate it.

Because I've been told since I was seven years old that I needed to be skinnier. That I needed to diet. That because I didn't want to be in sports, I was useless.

And gross.

And deserved to be ridiculed.

I've only been taught to hate myself.

Never to love myself.

By family. By friends. By strangers.

Don't think I've forgotten about the mother and daughter who laughed at me openly when I dared to look at a shirt in the straight sized section.

Or the kids on the playground who would run away from me because my fat body was an object of disgust to them.

Or the caregivers who tried to starve me into acquiescence of their designs for my person.

A lifetime of these stories and experiences.

You tried to shape me into a ball of loathing and disgust.

You tried to beat my spirit into the ground.

But in the dirt is where life grows.

You told me I'd never bloom into anything beautiful, but I defied you.

I grew into a vibrant and untamed bed of wildflowers.

I am all of the beauty that the sad and barren dirt patch of a heart you have wishes it could be.

And spare me the bullshit of "but your health!"

I don't owe you my health.

I don't owe you anything.

I am not your before picture, your dieting failure, your bad example, your cautionary tale.

I am a person.

I am a human being.

With thoughts and feelings and a thousand different dreams.

And none of those dreams include you and your ignorance.

I have had to fight so hard to love myself.

A veritable gauntlet of education, self-reflection, and conquering my inner-hate.

Of tears, and self-harm.

Of looking at myself and wanting to rend the very flesh from my bones.

But now, when I look in the mirror, I don't see the monster you have so long claimed me to be.

I see me.

All of me.

All of my wonder and beauty and creativity and intelligence.

Shining out from this body of mine.

And if we are all stardust, comprised of the universe...

Well, that would mean my greater concentration of mass makes my star outshine all of your loathing and hate.

I am me.

I am worth everything.

I am fat.

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Run Down and Run Over

Y'all, did you know that home repair is FUCKING STRESSFUL?!

Who would have thought?!

As such, I'm bloody exhausted. Especially because I dealt with a supremely bad panic attack over the weekend.

So, instead of trying to be my usual chatty self, it's going to be a list post.

1. We hosted a dinner party for Renee, Kevin, and Nancy (Kevin's mom). I've never cleaned this house so much in preparation. But I wanted the place to look good. I was super proud of how the dining room turned out, especially the table.

2. I made just a little bit of soup for them, too, since they had family coming into town.

And yes, that's a rolling pin that I had to stir the pot with because I didn't have a spoon long enough to reach the bottom.

That problem, however, has been solved by my awesome new kickass adoptive aunt (and Kevin's sister), Jeaninne.

Oh yeah, this witch has new cauldron stirrer.

3. The weekend after that, we decided to redo the dining room. I had some grand plans originally, which got tossed out in favor of even grander plans.

John got to pick out the color and he did a fabulous job.

We still have to paint the ceiling and get a chandelier (which I have some exciting plans for), but I LOVE how it looks so far.

4. Yes, we're totally doing a Steampunk themed room. As such, I want any metal in here to have some good aging to them, so I got to play with some paint. And I'm SUPER PROUD of how my outlet covers came out.

I also redid a mirror in the same style.

It's behind the bar and it looks so good.

5. The new curtains have completely transformed this room.

6. We also made our hallway purple by mixing in some leftover colors together.

7. The day we were painting, I made some new friends!

8. I'm finally on the last chart of my Quiet Queers Craftalong project.

I'm so ready for it to be done, let me tell you. Nearly 600 stitches per round is a little tiring. But it's going to be amazing when it's done.

9. I have a new bag to carry it in, though, and that's helping with the motivation.

The bag is from MinnieMoonSewing on etsy. And I'm in love.

Yes, yes, I know that it's not green, but I do love the yellow.

AND NOW I HAVE AN AWESOME PLACE TO KEEP ALL MY FANCY PINS!

So we have:

Woolsabi pin from Nerd Bird Makery

Just One More Spinner pin by Twill & Print (gifted to me by my lovely Makenna <3)

Destination Yarn Logo pin from Destination Yarn (not currently on the site. I purchased mine at GLFS)

Larissa Brown Yarn Ball Moon Pin from Twisted Yarn Shop

The sheep pin was purchased at Great Trails a few years ago and I don't have the maker's name.

10. The bathroom has gone from this:

To this:

We got the hardest of it done. Hoping to finish it this weekend coming up. Still have to install fan and lights and finish fixing the wall. AND we have to replace the friggin drain under the sink now because of course we do.

Oh, and paint. That would also be helpful.

Quick shout out to Kevin and Renee for being willing to help us do all of this. There was no way we'd have been able to fix this on our own and we certainly couldn't afford someone else to come in and fix it. Not to mention their generation pieces and parts donations as we realized that we didn't have everything we needed.

11. To try and keep myself calm and relaxed during all the renovations, I started a new improvised scrap shawl.

And it's like the exact opposite of everything I like. But I'm also in so totally in love with it. I don't quite understand why, but *shrug*.

Look at how fun all those colors are. And it's mostly random scraps and minis I had laying around (a lot of them from Mikayla's destashing, so thank you dear) held with just bare ivory yarn. And it's absolutely magical.

Like I said, it's totally not my colors, but this is all I want in my life now.

In fact, I love it so much that I started a second one using black as my base color.

I *may or may not* have a bunch of neon minis now in my posession to add to these..

With more on the way...

12. I may release this as a pattern eventually, if anyone would be interested? It's a great scrap user-upper. Like, I have a bit of yarn in here that was only like a yard long and it just WORKS.

13. I'll leave you off with my beautiful face because I had some really good selfies recently.

And just for John.

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Like my writing? You can help support me and future writing projects directly by donating through the links below!

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