One Last Gift

It's a little before midnight on New Year's Eve.

I posted a few days ago about me not getting my shawl done in time for the deadline.

I truly thought I wouldn't.

But I kept working on it. A few rows here and there, when I had a moment to stop.

Those rows added up without me noticing. And I woke up this morning, realizing that I had just 17 rows and a bind-off between me and the end of this shawl.

I didn't think I could do it. That's a lot to do on a day when I had other errands to run. But I felt that familiar spark. The one that always leads me to calling on Henry for another impossible challenge.

So, I took a breath, grabbed my needles, and got to work. I knit all morning. I knit during lunch. On the car rides between stops. I even knit in the dark on the way home.

And when we got home, John told me to get my arse upstairs and finish it. He'd take care of putting away the shopping. He was almost as determined as I was to see me finish.

And I did.

I finished it.

It's not washed or blocked. The ends haven't been woven in. But it is off the needles and around my shoulders for the moment. She's going to be beautiful when the little bit of finishing work is done. But for now, I'm simply grateful for what she is.

Twelve shawls in twelve months seemed like an impossible challenge when I started it. I figured I'd give up at some point. But I didn't.

There's a lot of feelings going on right now, and some thoughts I have, but those are for another post.

Tonight, I'm going to enter the new year feeling determined and invigorated. And grateful for this one last gift of holiday magic.

Quiet Setbacks

My goal was to have shawl number 12 done and blocked by New Year's Eve. But that's just not going to happen.

This month has been one of the roughest ones of our lives. We lost a beloved family member, as well as a... well, I'm not sure how I would refer to them. Someone in our lives, let's put it that way.

Funerals, dog sitting, break-ups in the family, struggling with my mental health...

Not to mention trying to do some Christmas presents.

It's been overwhelming.

I've been trying to work diligently on Ashton, but I recognize when things are truly impossible. She's not getting done by the deadline I set for myself.

I'm trying to not beat myself up too much, but it still stings.

But I'm not giving up entirely.

Ashton will be finished. And she will be finished soon.

This is a setback, not a surrender.

Onwards we march, dear friends.

All the Promise

I HATE Christmas Day.

HATE it.

Can't stand it. Wish I never had to live through it.

This is probably a wee bit of a shock to most of you who know me.

I mean, my Christmas decorations usually go up before Thanksgiving. And they're up until at least March. 

I love giving and receiving all manner of hand made gifts, baked goods, and Christmas cards.

I'm all about the tinsel and fairy lights and the tree with all its glittering finery.

But I hate Christmas Day.

It's when the magic is over. The lights are turned off, the decorations are taken down. The stories are resolved. 

All the promise and magic and wonder... it's over.

Not to be seen for another whole year.

But Christmas Eve? 

Oh, Christmas Eve makes my heart sing.

Christmas Eve is the night of magic and mysterious machinations. The lights are all glowing, the presents wrapped and waiting. All the wonder and majesty one hopes for. 

For me, it's a time of love and gathering and fond memories of past Eve's at my dear grandparents. Food, laughter, joy. All the promise of hope and happiness in one magical night.

So, I wish you all the most magical and wonderful Christmas Eve. 

Eat the good food, open your presents, and surround yourself with those you love the most. 

Breathe your Christmas wish to the stars because tonight... well, tonight we all can believe that magic just might be real.

Grey

I woke up and the world was white.

The first snow. The first day of the season where the ground is covered in a layer of frozen glitter.

This is usually the most wondrous and blessed day of the year for me.
The day that brings me to tears and lights a smile on my face. My cheeks rosy, and my demeanor happy and bright as John and I, bundled up, walk out through the icy world.

But not this year.

My depression hit in full force last night. Coupled with an overwhelming anxiety that I haven't had in a long time. The kind where I woke up, screaming in panic. I found no rest.

I could barely pull myself out of bed, but I have obligations to fulfill nearly every day this month. I have no choice but to push myself to move, to think, to breathe.

So, I'm sitting here. Writing this out. Waiting for dogs to finish their breakfast. Something to keep me from collapsing on the ground in utter despair.

I look out the window and at the snow, blessed and lovely, but I don't see it all. I only see shades of grey.

Flying Away

November's shawl... well, it's done.

Has been since Thanksgiving Day.

And I...well... let me tell you a bit about this shawl. I, for some ridiculous reason, decided that a shawl that was pretty much the epitome of everything I dislike doing in knitting would be a perfect project to tackle.

A big, solid colored blob of stockinette, weird increases, flat colorwork, ribbing, cables... all in one project.

Yep.

And it came out... fine,  I guess.

The colorwork was pretty solid.

And the faux-cables (the only thing that I ended up liking doing!) are lovely.

But this shawl just isn't... me.

It just doesn't feel right when I try to wear it. It just feels off somehow.

I couldn't even fake a smile when we were taking pictures.

See? Not happy. Not enthused. Not ready to add this one to the collection.

Apparently, Henry had me knit it for someone else. He just didn't bother to let me know until after I was done with it.

So, this one is going to fly away to the someone it was meant to belong to.

And that's perfectly fine with me.

Besides, I already have this month's shawl on the needles. And in true Ashtan fashion...

It's going to be big...

Beaded...

And named after me.

Let's end this year, this project, and this journey with a bang, eh?

Because next year is already promising to be just as exciting.