Rediscovering the Spark

I've been struggling for two months now to find my creativity.

Working on all the Christmas presents just felt like obligations. Stuff I had to do and not necessarily projects I was super excited about.

But I did them, distributed them, and then found myself left with the overwhelming sense of panic of needing to do something. My brain was slow to catch up on the fact that we currently didn't have any obligations shouting in our face. I was free to work on whatever I liked.

So, I cast on Orchid Thief, which I showed a little preview of last post, to try and calm my brain.

I've been burning right through it. I'm almost through the 3rd color of the body with 2 more to go.

But I decided to take a break from it for a couple days to get an idea out of my head.

I found this really cool film at Pat Catan's that looked like copper metal.

It was just begging to be made into a Steampunk style journal.

So, that's what I did.

I combined leather with the film and used a nice, thick kraft paper for the text block.

A burgundy velvet ribbon bookmark, some fanciful gears, and other copper decorations finished it off.

And you better believe this baby is staying with me.

After I finished this one, I figured "eh, got the stuff out already. Might as well make another!"

And that's where this one came from.

I've been wanting to do embroidery on a cover for quite a while, but figured it would be a ginormous pain in the ass.

I was right.

And that's why the back isn't embroidered as well.

But I still love the results.

And yes, I'm keeping this one, too. I bled for it.

I'm especially happy with the bookmark. I used the same twisting technique that I made the ties on Jamie's hat with.

I don't think I'll be making anymore embroidered ones anytime soon, but damnit, if my brain hasn't already come up with a million more designs that would look awesome.

I think it's time to pick Orchid Thief back up, though, and see if my Wooly Demon patron is back from vacation. I might just finish it before the weekend is over. Which means I'll only have a week's worth of time in it.

Ah, welcome back, old me. I've missed you.

Presently Presenting Presents

Everything has been distributed, everyone has been made happy, and I can finally sit and take a breath.

This year's theme seemed to be watercolor paintings. I'm finding that it's becoming my Other Craft now. Which is great, until you realize that everyone in your vicinity doesn't need 13 paintings each. So, must think on what to do with these things.

Anywho, here we are! My 2016 Christmas Creation Extravaganza!

For John, a small painting of Deep Space 9.

For Jamie, a mini cactus and a Bulbasaur with a cactus on its back.

For Emmy, a landscape of just outside Solitude from Skyrim.

A small seascape for my aunt and uncle.

One for my mom, as well.

A portrait of my grandparents' house for my grandpa. I'll have to talk about the story involving this painting later. Let's just say that it was a disaster.

And a sweater for my grandma, which I don't actually have finished pictures of yet. So, here's one of it being blocked.

All in all, a significantly less stressful time of it compared to last year.

And now I feel recharged and ready for a change. I think this is the time to branch out with my knitting skills. Try new things! Explore new techniques!

Just kidding.

Totes already cast on a new shawl.

I am nothing if not predictable.

The happiest of holiday seasons to you all, my friends.

Hang In There

Hello?

Anyone still reading this thing?

*coughs from all the dust gathered around here*

I promise I haven't abandoned you! It's just that literally EVERYTHING I've been working on has been Christmas related.

But that changes tomorrow! Everyones gifts will be distributed and I'll FINALLY be able to post all about them!

I'll make up for lost time with the sheer number of things that I crafted this year.

So, hang in there with me, folks. I promise this will be a *knitting* blog again soon. I've got some grand ambitions for this coming year.

Until then, have this picture of our new birb baby, Cas.

+3 Armor of Color

So, the Christmas season is here.

Which means that I have to attend family events with Certain Individuals.

These Individuals tend to make my life a living hell whenever I am around them. They trigger my anxiety, make me feel unsure about myself, and can sometimes send me into a downwards spiral that can last for a few days.

It's uncomfortable to say the least. And when I was younger, I had no protection against this. I would go into these events with my heart all over my sleeves, completely vulnerable and open for the comments and remarks. Passive aggressive at best, downright cruel at the worst.

Now, as the jaded, bitter person that I am, I'm fighting back.

Okay, I'm not exactly jaded and bitter. But I am fighting back in my own fashion.

With fashion.

You know the saying, "clothes make the person?" Well, it's true.

For me, what I put on is like slipping on another persona entirely.

Do I need to appear quiet and meek for an event where I don't want to talk to a lot of people? I'll dress in lighter, muted colors with long, flowing lines.

A free spirited, Bohemian artisan for a creative gathering? Earth tones, plenty of jewelry, and fun, bright makeup.

Elegant and poised for a more formal affair? Dark neutrals, old Hollywood makeup, and pearls.

How about needing to give myself some confidence? Dark colors paired with a single bright pop of an accent color, wild makeup, and shoes that say "I can kick your ass in these."

And when it comes to dealing with Certain Individuals, well let's just say I'm a vindictive sort of person. I gleeful design and execute an outfit that I know will annoy them.

They're constantly cold? Short sleeves and above the knee skirts, even in winter.

They hate the "alternative" looks? You better believe I'm looking bold and out there.

They're conservative and anti-science? Hello, "Made of Stardust" t-shirt and FSM pendant.

Doing this sounds petty, but the confidence it gives me is like putting on personality armor. When they start giving me shit about anything and everything, I just think of the fact that everything about my appearance is aggravating them and plaster a giant grin on my face.

I become untouchable.

And for a certain holiday party this year, I'm going to don my +3 Armor of Color to horrify one Person in particular.

I won't give it all away yet, but I *did* come up with my makeup look for it. I used pretty much the full palette in Urban Decay's Electric.

And Ho Ho Holy Shit, it's bright. Especially for someone like me who, as Jamie says, wears nothing but "dirt, moss, and night sky."

Add in the fact that I just re-dyed my hair red-violet again, and you got the beginnings of a look certain to displease the Traditional Assholes at your family gatherings! 

So, let's bring on the Christmas spite *spirit.*

We'll drink, pretend to be merry, and Certain Individuals can kiss my arse right under the mistletoe.

Because this year, I'm saving myself from tears and recognizing that I'm someone special.

Thanks Be

I don't currently have the brain capacity to write out a well-thought out and witty post. Have yourself a merry little list-mas.

1. I made two entire Thanksgiving dinners two days in a row. Stress nearly ended me and my marriage. But my turkey came out perfect, the ham was delicious, and everyone stuffed themselves silly. The problem is that now I have to cook for *every* holiday.

2. I had a glorious Friday night, though, with John, Vi, and Jamie (via skype). We laughed until we cried. My stomach actually hurt and I thought I was going to toss cookies. But I can't even begin to describe how much I needed it.

3. Saturday and Sunday were supposed to be my relaxing days. Well, Saturday was spent pretty much in the bathroom. Because my body finally broke from all the stress of the past month.

4. Today, however, I felt much better and actually had a productive day. We started cleaning and organizing the downstairs to prepare for the onslaught of Christmas decorations that I am about to unleash upon this place. We also decided to pack away all the useless fancy dinnerware in our built-ins in favor of turning it into a boardgame/D&D display cabinet. The house is starting to show signs of a bunch of nerds living here.

5. Speaking of Christmas, I'm doing an entirely new theme this year that I won't be unveiling until closer to Christmas. Which means even more projects that I can't share here, yet.

6. My stress levels will not be dropping anytime soon. I'm starting this next week by having to get up at 5:15am to take my grandma to her doctor appointment. And she's got two therapy appointments. And there's a pj party that I may or may not attend Friday. And dinner with my mom on Saturday. Plus, having to go buy supplies for the house at some point.

7. It's really hard to not just jump on a bus and head straight back to Athens until after Christmas.

8. I'll leave you with my little Instagram thankfulness post.

Decided to jump on the #thankfulness train. I'm thankful for the two people who love me the most in the world. I'm thankful for all of my friends, and would require many, many more posts to get them all. I'm thankful for my sisters who have always been there through thick and thin, though more often than not, I'm the one supporting them. :P I'm thankful for the family I have that love and try to understand me. I'm thankful for all of my kids, feathered and furred. And I'm thankful for this creative ability in me that seems to manifest itself into wonderful things in a wide variety of mediums. #thankful #poly #love #family #knit #knitting #knittersofinstagram #knitter #bookbinding #crafter

A photo posted by Ashtan Albright (@ageeksgirl08) on Nov 27, 2016 at 9:05am PST

Balance

Up to Canton.

Down to Bolivar.

Back to Canton. Two days in a row.

Over to Carrollton.

Down to the school for a whole day to help grandma out.

A small breath on Saturday.

More work with grandma.

A funeral.

A minor procedure for mom.

And then one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life.

I took the first solo trip of my life to Athens, three hours away from home.

The first time I've been this far away for this long. The longest I've been away from John since fall of 2009.

I took a bus for the first time for something other than a school trip.

I left on a day that John was working, so he couldn't see me off. I had to deal with the panic alone that morning.

I almost called off the trip a dozen times. Especially when I spent two nights in a row throwing up.

But I didn't.

I pushed through it because I knew that waiting for me on the other side of that trip was someone I loved very much and hadn't seen in a month. Someone who understands my panic and hesitation and knew that it wasn't about them.

I got on that bus. And three hours later when we pulled up to the station, I was so happy and proud.

I've had an absolutely lovely time. I finally got to meet Kate. We all went to see Fantastic Beasts together the Thursday that I got here. (Sidenote, go see it. Right now. It's absolutely everything you could hope for.)

Friday was spent wandering around Athens and Pokemon hunting. We ate lunch at Union Street Diner, where my burger viciously attacked me, but damnit, it was delicious.

It ended up being an absolutely beautiful day.

OU has an absolutely gorgeous campus and I really enjoyed walking around it.

I was a little sad when Jamie wouldn't let me catch a real life pokemon, though. It was the one called a... squirrel, I think? It looked like it was from one of the newer generations.

We also got to take over a gym in PoGo. And filled it appropriately.

 

Yes, we're both Team Instinct. Why do you ask? 

We met up with Kate again and got ice cream from a place called Whit's. It was quite delicious. Afterwards, Kate and I ditched Jamie for a few minutes so we could actually spend some time getting to know one another better. 

That's Kate's cat, Kat. She's a talker, man.

The temperature dropped a whopping 40 degrees between Friday and Saturday, which was utterly delightful to me, but absolutely horrifying for Jamie. So, we lazed about until we both were hungry enough to go in search of food. We ended up at Bagel Street Deli, which has been my favorite place so far. 

Turkey on an asiago bagel with cream cheese, avocado, and sprouts. Isn't it just beautiful?

I had been craving coffee all day, so we went to Donkey Coffee. The mocha was okay, but I am going to be a loyalist snob and say that Mugswiggz is better.

We hung out there for a bit and popped a lure at the Pokestop. It was nice to just sit and enjoy one another's company.

When we left, my heart nearly exploded with joy. It was snowing. My wonderful, lovely, beautiful snow. Yes, I giggled and just watched it. Yes, I cried a bit. And Jamie looked at me like I had grown three heads. But it was absolutely wonderful.

We headed back to Jamie's place before they froze to death. The rest of the day was spent playing video games. Jamie talked me into downloading an emulator for my laptop so I could play some of the older Pokemon games. Currently working my way through Leaf Green, which is pretty damn fun.

And that brings us to today.

The original plan was for me to go home tomorrow. But I'm going home early.

In fact, John's driving all the way down here to pick me up. Because I don't think I can handle another bus trip.

As much fun as I had, I also struggled. It's easy to gloss over the bad parts and just pretend everything was sunshine and roses.

But it wasn't. I had panic attacks. I had moments where I felt like the whole world was going to fall out from under me. I was tired. I was bitchy. I wanted to just come right back home the first night.

I missed out on a chance to meet someone who was in Akron just for this weekend.

But through Jamie and John's reassurance, and my own damn stubbornness, I made it this far. And I'm really, really proud of myself.

It's easy for me to feel right now that I failed. That because I'm giving up and going home early, I somehow managed to ruin an entire trip.

But that's not true at all. I did make it down here. I did stay for 4 whole days. I managed to make it though and actually have fun. I got to stay with someone I absolutely adore. I took my first tiny step towards being more independent and self-reliant.

I am so happy to be heading home. But I'm so sad to be leaving here.

Positives and negatives.

Joy and anxiety.

Confidence and self-doubt.

Everything is just a balancing act in the end.

Cact-i Don't Know What Happened

This post is going to be absolutely punishing.

Seriously, you'll be on pins and needles.

Though I should forewarn you that you'll knit find anything wool related in this post.

Okay, I'm done being a prick and I'll get to the point.

Cactuses.

Or Cacti.

Whatever you prefer.

I suddenly seem to have developed a fondness for them.

It's starting to border on obsession.

Let me explain.

Last Thursday, I was having a terrible morning filled with anxiety. My hands were aching for something to do to try and get my mind off of things. I didn't think knitting would be a good idea since the only things I had to work on at the moment require full concentration and a relaxed hand.

So I looked around for something, anything else. I mean, I have dabbled in a multitude of crafts. There had to be one that would work for me at the moment. I ended up deciding on watercolor painting. I mean, if my hands wouldn't stop shaking, I could just call the resulting mess "abstract art."

The problem was what the hell should I even try and make?

I attempted to make a recreation of a night sky and that... well, saying it didn't work is probably the kindest thing.

So, I sat there, wracking my brain trying to come up with something.

Apparently, "cactus" was the answer I had been looking for.

For my first attempt, I made this.

It was really just a practice piece, seeing as I haven't worked much with watercolors before. But it was a lot of fun. So much so that I really wanted to keep making more. But what the heck was I going to do with a bunch of cactus watercolors on full size pieces of paper?

So, I pulled out my Artist Trading Cards and went to town. (For those of you who don't know, ATC are 2.5x3.5 inches.)

This was the first one I did. Yes, that is an inexplainable, ridiculous amount of pretty, dangly nonsense hanging around it.

I decided to do a set of three total, then, all with different metallics.

The silver one. 

And, my favorite, is my copper one. Copper is my favorite metal, so I *may* have put a little more effort in this one.

I also did a set of three succulents. Mixed metals this time.

And, damnit, I just want to keep making more! 

The problem is, where I am I going to hang up all of these now?!

Uhhh.... 

Anyone want a cactus? Help me feed my addiction?

Regret

I'm fidgety today.

I'm anxious.

I can't sit still.

I can't distract myself.

And I'm feeling a whole hell of a lot of regret.

I made a mistake.

In my mind, a huge one.

The facebook posts are flooding in. I've seen the messages, the pictures, everyone wearing their stickers. The banners around profile pictures proclaiming that this person did their civic duty.

I don't get to join in on any of that.

Because I didn't vote.

In fact, I'm not even registered to do so.

Once upon a time, I was. But I just never bothered to update it when we moved. Or in the years since. Nor at any of the times I've been to the BMV to (once again) get my temps.

I have only ever voted once in my life. And that was in 2008.

It just never felt important enough.

Even with this election. At least at first.

I mean, look at Trump. Look at the vile things he has said. And done. Surely, surely there was no way he'd ever even have a serious shot at the presidency. Even if he was the Republican nominee.

So, I stuffed some wool in my ears and tried to ignore everything the best I could.

Sure, I laughed in utter disbelief as more and more shit piled up around Trump. The abuse allegations. The infamous "pussy grabbing" comments.

But it didn't matter if I didn't vote, right? There was no way he'd win.

The registration deadline drew closer and closer. And passed right by me.

And I've watched, utterly horrified, how the rabid, raging racists, bigots, and anti-feminists have come pouring out of the woodwork to support this monster.

I could have done my part to help. I could have taken one goddamned second to say "yes" when asked if I'd like to be registered. And I would have spent all of 5 minutes at the polls today (that's how long it took my grandfather).

But I didn't.

And I am so, so sorry.

Earlier, I watched the livestream they have going on at Susan B. Anthony's grave. A woman born in 1917 was being interviewed. Yes, she was born before women could vote in this country.

She was a WWII veteran pilot. A retired business executive. Hearing her talk about how honored she was to be there, the opportunities she had now because of the women's suffrage movement... It broke me. It utterly broke me.

I can't help but feel like I betrayed everything I've ever stood for by refraining from voting today. How can I call myself a feminist when I completely shit on the very rights that my ancestors fought so hard to win for me and my fellow women?

So, now I'm dealing with all of those wonderful feelings of self-loathing and hatred for myself. And an overwhelming amount of anxiety because everything is up in the air right now.

This is it. There's no going back. And I have to live with whatever consequences come from today because I chose to be lazy and ignorant and did nothing to help.

So, please, please, PLEASE learn from my mistake. Get out there and vote if you can. Don't let my mistake be yours. Go. Get out there and stop this monster. Please.

Put Some Levels in Warlock

Well, it's been more than a few days.

It's been 16 days, to be exact.

Jamie has come and gone and I haven't made a post about my sweater.

Ill tidings my friends.

Yeah, totes kidding. I had that thing done the Monday before their visit.

So, that means I made an entire sweater, start to finish, in 7 working days.

Not only did I finish it, but I didn't even have to mess with the 4 balls of yarn that I had double wound. 

At this point, I should probably confess to selling my soul to a wool demon. Which is totally cool with me because I get to make really pretty stuff really, really fast.

As for the particulars, I based my pattern off of the Speckled Shrug by Lion Brand on Ravelry. The pattern is a one-size-fits-all sort of deal, which meant that I had to do a lot of math and a lot of swatching.

I also decided to chart out a few lace patterns so I could keep myself from the unholy nightmare of 40 inches of stockinette.

I used 930-ish yards of Knit Pick's Wool of the Andes Bulky Superwash in the Briar Heather colorway.

I did 21 repeats of my lace chart and blocked this out to 60in x 40in. Also, left 8 inches for the armhole rather than 7 because I'm not exactly a tiny person.

And fun fact, this yarn was actually purchased to make a blanket a couple of years ago.

I like it better as a sweater.

There is a cost to this knitting madness, though. My family knows how fast I can make these now and the requests are starting to creep in.

Maybe my Wooly Demonic Patron please send a couple of imps to help.

Thirty

Today is the birthday of someone very special to me.

My dear, darling husband, John, turned 30.

It's something that has been weighing on him a lot. We both feel enormous pressure to have everything figured out and be completely settled. I mean, by the time you're 30, everything should be sunshine and rainbows. We should be financially secure, have a couple of kids, steady jobs, and enjoy our typical 'Murican life. You know, live up to everyone else's expectations.

That's probably the worst thing we could do.

So, I'm going to take a moment and talk about what he has accomplished.

John and I have known each other for 12 years now. I've seen him change from an awkward, unsure young person into a slightly less awkward, and slightly more assured adult. But what has never changed is his smile. Or his ability to make me laugh. And twelve years is a very long time to make someone laugh so damn much.

ACCOMPLISHMENT THE FIRST: Keeping my sides split and the smile cracked wide across my face.

He has developed a deep passion for learning. Especially for anything space related. His drive to seek out new life information and go boldly where no man has gone before research all sorts of subjects to improve his knowledge is amazing.

This, in turn, has made him into an amazingly patient and enthusiastic tutor for Alex. Her grades have improved like crazy since John started helping her with her homework. And no, he doesn't just give her the answers. They seek them out together.

ACCOMPLISHMENT THE SECOND: Being a wickedly smart person who enjoys sharing his knowledge and joy for learning.

John has never lost his enthusiasm for music in all of its forms. He's been a member of the Dominic Greco Band for over a decade now.  He is constantly seeking out new genres and styles of music. Seeing how excited he gets when he starts talking about a new band he found never fails to make me smile.

Also, and this might be a little personal, I find it highly attractive when the man is playing his trumpet. Feel free to make your own crude music-related jokes here.

ACCOMPLISHMENT THE THIRD: Keeping a childhood passion alive and burning.

As I have stated before, I suffer from a few different mental illnesses. It's been a long, hard road to navigate. I've had to learn how to manage it. And John has never once complained about it.

I'm sure he's gotten frustrated with everything. And wished that my problems could just disappear. But when it comes right down to it, he has always had my back. He has worked his ass off to make sure that he had a job to support both of us. He picks up the slack when I am having one of my bad days.

He has been patient with me, held me when I needed it, and offered all of the love and support that he can.

ACCOMPLISHMENT THE FOURTH: Being the best damned husband that I could ever hope for.

So,  John, the happiest of birthdays to you. You are an amazing, incredible, accomplished human being. And I am so very lucky to have you as my partner, my husband, and my best friend.

Many, many, many happy returns of this day.

And if you haven't figured it out, I love you, dorkface. <3

Confessions and Commitment

So, remember when I said that I wasn't going to be knitting very many Christmas presents? Yeah, the post right before this. I said that I wasn't going to stress myself out and try to get a bunch of stuff done. That I was going to concentrate on ME and make all the fall weather stuff I could.

My very first project that I finished after that post was a pair of socks that I intend to give as a Christmas present.

To be fair, I had started the grey one right after I finished my first pair of socks. And I needed a purse project since I finished Brass and Steam, so I tossed it in.

It wasn't my fault that I had a bunch of downtime and finished it super quickly.

And yes, this is a matching pair. The recipient isn't a fan of matching socks, so I obliged. Both are Kroy Sock Yarn, this one the Jacquard Slate. The other is the FX line in Celestial Colors.

And actually, it was fun not having to knit two of the same socks. It only took me two days to finish up this one.

Now, lest you think that I am neglecting my fall projects, I have once again challenged myself to the impossible and knit something really bloody big in a very short amount of time.

I finally cast on my Autumn Lace Shrug late Sunday night. (Pattern is Speckled Shrug on Ravelry.)

Most of Sunday afternoon was spent swatching, charting out various lace and cable patterns, debating about whether or not I wanted to just do an all over pattern or have a panel in the middle, and winding yarn.

That night, I only made it through the first 2 inches of ribbing and was disheartened. This thing was going to take forever and I was never going to get it done. I sat it to the side, and figured I'd pick it back up sometime next to never.

Tuesday, though, I figured that I should at least get through the first chart repeat for the lace section just to make sure that I liked it. And that went super fast, much to my amazement.

Apparently, if you add some yarn overs and decreases to any project, I start burning through it. I took it with me Wednesday and Thursday to the various doctor appointments that I've been going to with my grandma. (She's okay. Just needs some minor knee surgery). I've been working on it non-stop. As of right now, I have nearly 16 inches of it done.

All in 3 (4 if you count all the prep work) measly days.

Which brings me to my challenge. Jamie is due up here next Thursday. We plan on going on a date Saturday. You see where this is going?

Yep, I'm trying my damndest to get this done before they get up here. And, by all the wooly gods, I think I can do it.

Which means that I should probably stop typing this and actually get some of it done today.

So, I'm going to end this as hastily and awkwardly as I can. Because that's what I do.

Be back in a few days to check in, assuming that my fingers haven't fallen off.