This is proving to be a hard one to write, y'all. I had hoped that this was going to be a bright and happy post. Something to celebrate an accomplishment.
My heart and head just hurt. I'm just exhausted from... well, everything.
But I'll try my best to bring some love and light to you, my dear readers. Because maybe a rainbow is exactly what we need right now.
Back in June, a craftalong arose on instagram that I felt I had to take a part of.
It came out of the desire for a digital knitting group for those of us in the queer community who are not as comfortable at the typical Pride celebration. Large crowds and loud noises are not our jam. It was also geared towards those of us who maybe still trying to learn how to be comfortable with our queer identities.
As it started growing and changing, it was decided that not only would this serve as a way to bring the crafty queer folks together, but also as a way to celebrate queer dyers and pattern designers. Participants were encouraged to use yarn and/or patterns specifically from queer folks.
Thus, the Quiet Queers Craftalong was born.
I knew from the beginning that using Morgan's yarn from
Knitcraft and Knittery was the only option for me. I ended up using their merino fingering weight in a deep charcoal black called My Sister's Soul.
As for the pattern, I decided to
bite off more than I could chew challenge myself by picking a circular shawl by Frenchie of Aroha Knits. Because, y'know, it only took me A YEAR to knit my last circular shawl...
Caim Shawl called to me. So, I purchased the pattern, got my yarn, and got started...
And then IMMEDIATELY decided to add
misery for myself another challenge by incorporating beads into the increase rounds. Did I mention they're in rainbow order?
Y'all, I STRUGGLED with this one. I struggled hard. I knit all of my anger and frustration and hurt into this shawl. And I just couldn't finish it properly.
My heart and my hands hurt so much that I ended up binding off 48 rows early.
Yes, my friends. I made a shawl smaller than the pattern called for again. That should tell you how much I was dealing with in my head while making it.
My mental health was in the worst place it'd been in two years. Plus, we were dealing with having to fix our bathroom. And that was just personal stress. That's not counting the absolute burning shithole the world in general is at the moment.
Even so, it came out the size that the pattern listed the final dimensions to be, so could you even imagine how big it would be if I would have finished those last two repeats?
We had planned on taking pictures this last weekend and I was struggling to decide what to wear. ("Struggle" seems to be the name of the game lately...)
And that's when I had yet another
bloody awful brilliant idea to wear not just one outfit, but six of them.
Yes, in rainbow order... on a ridiculously hot day where all of my makeup would melt off.
Because if we're going to show off our queer pride, why not go all out?
It probably comes as no surprise that I have enough dresses to wear the whole rainbow.
I'm someone who loves wearing colors across the whole spectrum.
And I know that this is supposed to be about the shawl and the craftalong, but as I'm writing this, I'm realizing just how much my style has changed over the last couple of years.
It's evolved into something that feels right... feels wholly ME.
And it's not just my outward styling, but my whole identity.
I'm finally embracing all the different factions and parts that make up me.
My bisexuality, my polyamory, my knitting, my mental illnesses, my drive to make things, my trauma, my fears, hopes, and dreams...
The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, it all swirls together and has formed me into the person I am today.
And knowing who you are, where you belong in this world, is such a gift.
I've fought so hard to get to this place for myself.
And you know what?
I'm proud of myself.
I'm proud of who I am.
And I know that even though I will stumble and make mistakes, as long as I keep moving forward, I'll be pretty dang proud of who I am in the future, too.
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